Second thoughts about divorcing

[Cath2907]

DH and I split back in October last year. I asked him to leave as he'd been miserable, frustrated and angry for so long. He wasn't working (hadn't for years) and wasn't pulling his weight in the house either. He wanted a dog but when we got one he didn't like him and I ended up doing all of that too. It just felt like a thankless and never ending grind whilst putting up with an angry and miserable lodger. I was trying to work full time and do everything else too. No amount of trying to make him help really got me anywhere. He'd do a bit for a while and then it would just fade away and he was always so resentful of HAVING to do anything he didn't want to.

After I threw him out he moped about being unwilling to sort himself out for a few months whilst living off our joint account. He finally got a job, then mucked about getting a flat and finally found one of those after I sorted his appointments out for him. I've pushed a divorce through, sold our house to get us both some equity money, bought a renovation property and we (DD, dog and I) are currently living with my parents (6 weeks and at least 4 more to go :( ) whilst the renovation is finished. My parents are lovely but I don't want to be here anymore and neither does DD. We just want our own house done.

It was all cut and dried until this weekend. I was helping him move into his new place and he was like the old him. Relaxed, happy, fun, pulling his weight. His flat is lovely and full of all our old stuff. We had lunch together, all 3 of us. It was nice, we were in sync for the first time in years. I cried all the way home afterwards (DD stayed over for the night so no need to hold myself together).

I miss my husband. I miss my house. I miss my life. I am sad for all the plans we had and the things we were going to do together. My rational brain is telling me I've done the right thing but my heart hurts.

I have to send off the signed papers to the solicitor today for him to apply for our Decree Absolute and it is making me sad.

Anyone want to tell me I am doing the right thing?

No one can say what's right for you other than you. Is this the first time since October you've had a wobble?

I was in similar years ago. Convinced dp( at that time) had changed, got back together, married within a few weeks. Regretted being with him within a week. Lasted a year then for divorced. Wish I had persevered with being apart. Much better!
And you have a ddog op. Much better company, less moody, less messy. And much more in tune to your needs.
You have made the break now. Embrace your new life.

You are doing the right thing, you’re in limbo waiting for your new house and living with parents. This was one day he was as you’d liked but you’ve put up with years of him not pulling his weight. Once you’ve moved, you’ll move on emotionally and be glad you did, just hang on in there!

Yes - I've had the odd cry now and then over what should've/could've been but this is the first time I've wanted to tuck up under hubby's arm and pretend it is all ok. Over the last few months I've mostly been annoyed and frustrated by him and worried about him. He is not very in touch with reality - always thinks things will somehow magically work out. It does always work out - but because I work my arse off to make it work out. I am still quietly propping up things for him in the hope he can transition to being independent but whilst expecting things to go wrong. I have been telling myself I am doing all this because he is DDs Dad and it is important to her that her Dad is ok.

I asked him to leave because it was like living with one of Harry Potter's dementors - he just sucked the happy out of everything. He was also never satisfied - always wanted bigger and better and it was down to me to pay for it. I need to remind myself that nothing has really changed. He may have been happy this weekend but when the reality of commuting kicks in or the tap leaks or something goes wrong he'll be back in a 3 week slump that I no longer want to be a party to.

I'm sure you are doing the right thing. His mood has improved and he's back to his old self because he no longer has the restrictions of being a married man. He's free. Some men just aren't cut out for family life, and if you had him back you'd all be back to Square 1.

You can still do things together, enjoy life and take the dc out together, have fun, maybe even have holidays together. It will be so good for the dc. Just don't be tempted to go back...

You are doing the right thing!
He really does sound like a terrible, blood sucking partner who has taken you for granted for many years. You need to stop worrying about how he feels so much and concentrate on yourself and your DD. He is responsible for himself now.

No wonder he was so happy! You were helping him move into his new flat (the fact you were pleasantly surprised he pulled his weight too here speaks volumes).

The flat YOU made it possible for him to have! And that YOU sorted out for him. with all the old furniture YOU let him keep.

You've given yourself the short end of the stick here and find him more attractive because he seems happy and has it more sorted, but you're forgetting he didnt sort it.

Living with parents and your DC sucks and its draining no matter how great they are. No wonder you feel down. Keep looking infront of you, it's only temporary. And so is his current state of attractiveness. The minite you stop managing his life, which you absolutely MUST do now, he will revert.

The thing is that if you get back together he will revert to type and then you have to put your kids through another separation. I'd bear that in mind and keep away from him. It is really unfair - he behaved really badly, but if you take him back, he'll carry on like that.

Of course you are feeling sad, despite your best efforts over the years he hasn’t managed to be the husband and father that you and your DD deserve. He is happier because you are still enabling him but you no longer expect anything of him.
Maybe he will revert to type or maybe he’ll suddenly become a new man, if he does improve be happy for your DD that her dad is able to be a better parent now than he did when you all lived together. Don’t chase after some fantasy that never existed in the first place.

Thanks all. Feeling a lot better having spoken to my builder. (Not having romantic feelings towards the builder!) The issues with the plasterer have been sorted and he is ordering the bathroom suite today. Our house is moving forward - I think I was just utterly miserable with my current existence and fancying my husbands flat. I wasn't really fancying my husband. Life is currently hard and for a second there seemed like an easy option to make things better. Nothing in life comes easy though so goign to stick with the hard route to happiness! Going to take divorce papers to the post office in a minute and no longer feel down about it!

Well done OP, it's a process, and you're bound to have ups and downs along the way. You didn't reach the decision to end things lightly, and of course he has some attractive qualities, or you wouldn't have got together in the first place. You're in limbo at the minute waiting for your place to be ready, with all the frustration that entails, and you're having to watch him moving into his new place that you've sorted for him and moving forward.

This is just a phase though, it won't be long till you are moving into your new place, and excited and happy making it how you want it. Be glad you had a good day together, and hopefully he will be in a happier place and easier to deal with going forward.

I wish you the very best of luck. 🌻