Arguing about paying for car. Who is U?

[AmIBU123]

Bit of background. Currently a SAHM. Looking for work but I am admittedly struggling. A couple of years ago DP was taking driving lessons and after failing his theory three times (didn't revise enough) he gave up. At this point our DC were 2yo and 6mo. When he gave up I decided to learn instead and fast forward to today, I have been driving for several months. The car is mostly used to take eldest DC to and from preschool as the walk is a bit of a hike. I also use it if I need to pop to the shops, if I occasionally see a friend and a few times a month I'll drive DP to work and pick him up. And of course we use it for day trips etc. which is the main reason I decided to drive. This is all relevant.

So last night when the DC were in bed I got stressed over something silly so my attitude towards him was a little irate. I basically thought he broke our push down bathroom sink plug by pushing it too hard as it is now jammed and I couldn't see how it could be pushed down so far without much force. Silly I know. Anyway, he reacted by swearing and invading my personal space a bit. He was close enough that I felt he might shove me or something but I just walked away from him. After a few more words we calmed down and we both apologised.

However, the reason I am posting is because something he said has really upset me and he still stands by his point.

Basically he said to me that if I'm going to talk to him disrespectfully (when I was stressed) then why should he pay for my car insurance, road tax and petrol. I personally see this as something that's part of the family budget. That I took the plunge to drive because he gave up even though I had a bit of a fear (not anymore). That it's used to take his children to groups and the eldest to preschool etc. and so we can venture out as a family. The way he was talking suggested he was doing me a massive favour. This isn't the first time he's used it against me. For some reason it makes me feel devalued.

I don't understand why the car had to come into it? Fair enough, I shouldn't have got unreasonably stressed. Just like he shouldn't have reacted the way he did. But why does a spat have to develop into his feelings about paying for something that he clearly resents me for.

Or AIBU and ungrateful because I really don't know anymore.

Just to add I paid for my lessons and the car from my savings. Not sure if relevant.

You are not being unreasonable-it’s a family expense.

If he said it in the heat of the moment to upset you and you have both apologised I would just forget it..

There is obviously a small amount of resentment that you passed your test and he didn't.

What's stopping him trying again and revising this time?

He's jealous because you can drive, and he can't. His male pride has been hurt. It's obviously something that has been eating away at him.

What age are your children now?

How hard are you looking for work? What type of work/hours? How long as your DH been the sole earner?

I’m a single parent and the one thing that has stressed me more than anything else is the financial stress of being the person solely responsible for the money coming in and I’ve nipped at my kids when they have been asking for money at times when I’ve been concerned.

I can see why you’re upset, and he definitely shouldn’t have said it, but I can also see why he would be stressed out being the sole earner. And feel like it’s your car since he doesn’t drive it (and oreseumably there is public transport where you are since you managed without a car for a number of years).

He had his nose heavily put out of joint when you leant to drive and passed your test (you were not supposed to do that) and still resents you for doing that. That is his problem and not yours. He is really an inadequate and bullying little man.

He is trying to flex his power and control here by looking at the finances because this is the one way he can and will try and control you. What he is saying could be construed as financial abuse. I also note without all that much surprise that you had to pay for your driving lessons and car from your own savings.

I would go as far now to look at your relationship as a whole and work out whether you want to remain with him. You do not need me to tell you that your own legal position here is very poor and he knows that as well.

You were perhaps unreasonable in assuming or accusing him of breaking the sink. Which I think you do realise and have apologised for. However, that doesn't give him the right to throw finances in your face. It should be a family budget and a family expense. And of course he was also unreasonable to be getting in your face and physically intimidating you. I would be seriously unhappy if my DH thought it was okay to do either of these things. I also agree with above poster that it seems like an issue of jealousy/sexist ego.

The most worrying thing is you thought he might shove you. Why did you think that?

Thank you everyone. It's interesting, I never saw that he might be jealous. Or that he's trying to exert some control.

Thank you Scoutsrus. I do understand your point. I have been looking sporadically for a couple of years now but nothing ever came up that fit around his work and that was financially worthwhile. I am now trying really hard because I just feel so ready to get back into work. I have been applying for jobs that aren't even in my field, just so we have more money and so I am "back in the game" (although we are coping absolutely fine for money but it would be nice to have extra). To fit around his work and due to child care costs I have been looking into evening work as well. Unsurprisingly my career break isn't desirable but tbh we both mutually agreed I would be a SAHP for a while. I do understand though and I do want to contribute financially again so I am trying.

pinkyredrose I'm not sure tbh. He doesn't have form for invading my space so it really surprised me last night. Also when I was folding a towel and went to hang it up (during our heated words) he was standing there like a rock. Wouldn't budge at all. So I essentially had to move around him iyswim. This behaviour isn't like him and in that moment I guess I felt like "what else might he do" if that makes sense? So I sensibly went to another room.

He is jealous but unfortunately you are in the position of not being a financial contributor. MN will say your doing all the childcare and running the household and that’s your contribution and it is. But if you get the kind of partner that wants to berate for whatever reason then it’s a great one for a man that deep down is an arsehole, his true colours shown. He was squaring up to you, that terrible.

His behaviour may escalate, tread carefully, make an exit plan and don’t let him know. Marriage and or having dc are when men who deep down are abusive change their behaviours.

For a woman to be a sahp isn't some huge favour that a man does for his wife - it's a decision jointly made for the benefit of the family as a whole. I'm fed up of people acting like the wohp is the only one making sacrifices - sah can hugely damaging for women.
He is a prick OP. It is never acceptable for the wohp to throw lack of financial contribution at the sahp. Apart from the fact that there is more than one way to support a family, presumably he's also benefitted from not having child care responsibility as well as his ft job!

Tell him if he stops paying for your insurance etc, he will no longer be able to use the car. You won't be using it to go food shopping for him or dropping him at work. And you will divorce his sorry arse for bring financially abusive. He just sounds like a jealous little man to me because you have achieved what he repeatedly failed at.

Tldr - if he gets any benefit from the car, it's his expense as much as yours!

Could you think about setting up your own business?

Cleaner
Dog walker
Baby sitting
Personal trainer
Care Worker

Worth looking on line at jobs to do out of the home.
Otherwise, evening bar or restaurant work, weekend working in retail?

I think you are now seeing who he really is; an inadequate man who is jealous of his partner's driving ability. Using financial control against you to make you comply is a low blow as well.

Think carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship at all; you've given more than enough of your own power and control away to him already. What is the situation re the property and finances, is it in his sole name?.

You have facilitated his life to date OP. I would also think he could well throw a wobbly when you actually get a part time job and could well sabotage your attempts to do so.

Sorry but he is right, you use the car, you pay for it.

OP - I really hope that your financial position is protected.
If you own your home - is your name on the deeds, etc?
The decision to take a career break while having kids - only affects you in the long term.
He clearly doesn’t think of this as an equal partnership - not in the way you do, anyway.
I sincerely hope you won’t be a yet another MN poster on ‘how could I have been so stupid’....
No woman should agree to a career break&kids without a financial protection of marriage. Period

Scarlet do you not think that taking him to work, doing the shopping and ferrying their children to activities counts as his use too?
Maybe he should do some of this stuff on the bus and see what he thinks then!

How is she supposed to do that Scarlet ?
Did you miss the bit where she is a SAHM?
She's busy looking after HIS kids all day while he goes work, in a car OP has paid for, to make HIS life easier!
The car is used for family life.
HE Is part of that family.
He benefits from the car.
He is the one earning the money.
Maybe OP should charge him for child care and for being a cleaner, and washer and cooker and shopper.
THEN she could afford to run the car!?

@ScarletBitch
Ur a knob!

@hellsbellsmelons
Spot on!

There is no way a man like this will accept you doing an evening job that will mean he has to carry the load at home.

Look for a daytime job that covers childcare costs. When you've got that you will have options.

Thank you all for the responses. He's just come home after asking to leave work early and he is very apologetic. Will come back to the thread later to respond properly.

You are both harbouring resentments and sounding off. I don’t think he meant he wouldn’t pay-he just wants some recognition that he does provide - even though he failed his test and is open to accusations of stuffing up the bathroom plug (it probably wasn’t anything he did!).
Try and be kinder to one another I’d say - and appreciate what you both do?

Well at least that's a good start OP.
Just put all your cards on the table.
Tell him exactly how you feel and how he makes you feel and then see what the next steps should be to get this all resolved.
Good luck.