Overlooked and undervalued

[Forsythiatree]

This is how I feel so much of the time. I am 44 years old and have always felt like this. I am in my third long term relationship.

I had an abusive childhood at the hands of a severely mentally ill mother after my father died and eventually ended up being brought up my grandmother against my grandfathers wishes.

So I can absolutely see where these feeling come from, insecurity, no sense of belonging, feeling irrelevant etc all stem from my childhood.

However, it doesn't mean that I'm not overlooked in adult life, I suspect I create my life subconsciously to be that way.

Let me just give this weekends examples.... out on Friday night at a party, I was the driver. The photo's put on social media afterwards excluded my name and I wasn't tagged in them. I was the only one forgotten. I have paid for big family meals before and all the photo's afterwards excluded me from the comments or the tags too.

Saturday, I am the last to know who is home for dinner and yet I do all the food shopping and cooking. I have to fight everyday to find out from my step kids and my partner to find out who I am shopping and cooking for and eyes are rolled when I keep asking as if I am being very unreasonable.

Saturday night I arrange a catch up with a friend, she was supposed to visit me, but said she couldn't as she had her 17 year old daughters dinner to cook. I cooked for 5 people and had to travel to her as I nearly always do. Obviously no acknowledgement that I might have had a lot to do too. I then spent the entire evening with her daughter which changed the dynamic from an adult evening.

Yesterday we were with partners parents, they kept on and on about hard working someone in the family is (this person works 15 hours per week with no responsibilities) and yet my full time job, studying, sporting achievements and looking after their grandchildren full time is apparently not worthy of acknowledgement and hasn't been acknowledged once in ten years by them.

I read this back and I sound like a right old whinger, I know.

At the party on Friday, I was talking to someone, they get interrupted by someone they know and I am literally left standing there with this person's back to me. This often happens, where I am literally just left standing alone.

It's just the constant little things and I honestly don't know how to stop it.

I am a quiet person so I can see how it happens. I don't have a lot to say and when I do, I speak at a fairly low volume. I think subconsciously I try and not be noticed, hate being the centre of attention and then get upset when i'm not noticed or acknowledged!

Honestly, can anyone else relate to feeling like this, how do you cope?

Find your fucking voice and stand up for you because no one eles will if what you describe is happening.

You do not deserve this. You need to do some simple things.

Ask the person tagging why you were excluded.

Refuse to shop just for one month. Not in a horrible way just in an eye rolling way and see how they like it.

You have to put you first and even just for a month fuck everyone eles and find tour voice. Good luck

It will not change if you stay hidden. And your family are a bit shit so just for a month do everything to please you. Ready made meals. Evening coffees with a book. No no no to anything asked of you. Mimic responded with the people and the way they talk to you. When they get arsey just remind them they find it acceptable ignore you and treat you like shit.

I had to find my voice due to my name and what happened before I acquired the name.... trust me find you voice xx

No you're not a whinger at all; your abusive childhood conditioned did you a lot of emotional damage and the legacy from that continues to this very day. It was and remains not your fault that this happened to you; your family of origin who were supposed to do their job here failed you completely. It is not your fault that they behaved like this towards you.

Have you ever had counselling about your childhood; have you for instance talked to NAPAC?. napac.org.uk/

There is a lot here that needs unpicking and addressing now otherwise you will carry on simply being overlooked and undervalued here.

Others tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves. How else are you overlooking yourself?. These are some of the ways you might be overlooking yourself, try to be honest with yourself:-

I’m focused primarily in my head, ignoring my feelings.
I ignore even my basic needs, such as when I’m hungry or when I need to go to the bathroom.
I believe that others’ feelings and needs are more important than mine.
I believe that what I say and believe isn’t as important as what others say and believe.
I don’t speak up for myself when others discount me or are mean.
I give myself up to others, trying to please them.
I don’t value who I really am. I believe I’m not good enough and I judge myself harshly.
I need other’s approval to feel okay about myself.

Re your current relationship is this one that you want to remain in at all?. It sounds crap frankly and you're getting no support from the stepchildren and seemingly too your partner. Is he at all defending you to his parents or does he sit there too and say nothing?. Your whole life is dominated by people pleasing behaviours and that's also stemming from your childhood too. Please find someone you can work with, speaking to NAPAC could help as could finding a therapist via BACP.

You are complaining op, due to your childhood it is entirely understandable that you feel like this and find yourself in these situations. Time to change things and start putting your own needs first because if you don't do it then no one else will.

Meant to say you aren't complaining!

What's really good about this is that you have great self awareness. You know where the behaviour was born from, you know your part in it, and you're also clear on what you don't like.

The next part is now you have to make a decision to change. You wrote cope, but by the sounds of it you don't want this showing up in your life anymore. People are basically walking all over you - kids and adults alike, you now have to get some sass and shut down all this behaviour.

This doesn't mean you have to be a bitch, be aggressive or get into arguments with people, you need to draw a line, make some rules for yourself and stick to it. Your 44, damn it lady you've earnt the right!

Facebook: like @warriorprincessandwidowed said, ensure your picture has been taken and ask to be tagged. If your quiet etc tgey may think you don't use fb, make it clear. Strike up a convo with the perpertrator and say "looking forward to seeing my pics on facebook, do tag me". Then if they don't, follow up next event.

Family dinners: simply say to everyone at the start of the week. New rule, let ME know if you'll be home for dinner throughout the week, else you can make your own. And lady, stick to it. They don't tell you, they can fend for themselves. Throw some frozen pizzas in the freezer and point them in that direction.

Parents: talk yourself up - inject yourself and your achievements in the conversation. You are going to have to practice in a mirror or something first.

Party: if they turn their back on you, reposition yourself so you are still in the conversation triangle, or go speak to someone else.

Friendships: if plans change, take a breath, think about what you want, if you don't fancy trekking down to her place then rearrange. I had a friend recently who I had made plans with months in advance. I checked in the night before if all was alright. I didn't hear from her until the next day an hour before we were due to meet. It takes me an hour to get there, so I simple cancelled and told her I had my dinner on and I need more notice and if she could get back to me less last min next time. And I had myself a lovely afternoon.

You may have to play the long game it won't all change overnight, and you'll prob puss a few people off, but sod them.

I understand where you are coming from, aI had to work on my crippling confidence when I was in my 20s. It was hard slog but so worth it.

You are probably a lovely women, let yourself shine, it's your life, your allowed to enjoy it.

And you may just want to have a conversation with your husband to let him know that you'll be redressing your confidence etc so he knows what's coming, and can offer you support.

Everything Attila said, with knobs on!
You are allowing people to treat you like shit because deep down you have internalised the belief that this is all you deserve. You need to love and respect yourself, before you can get others to respect you.
Please, please go for counselling. It will take time and hard work to undo all the damage your mother did to your self esteem, but the rewards will be enormous.
You will learn to have boundaries, to say No, to expect consideration from others, to challenge unfair treatment. And you will feel exhilarated at the freedom it brings.
Go for it, OP - you have everything to gain.

Thank you all for your replies.

I have received counselling several times over the years and this is probably why I am quite self aware, but ultimately I was told to move on and get on with my life now and not let my childhood hold me back.

I know I need to stand up for myself, I know I need to be more assertive (I even had assertiveness lessons years ago) and yet I don't seem to be able to do it.

I think the problem with the abuse I had as a child is that the perpetrator was ill. Indeed, I am often asked (mainly by my partners family) why I don't help and care for my "Mum" more. People don't understand that I have no bond with her, that I don't hate her or blame her for what happened and wish her no harm, but I honestly don't care for her and feel nothing towards her. And yet, people try and make me feel guilty for not being more caring towards her. I am told that it wasn't her fault etc, as if somehow that negates the terrible physical and emotional abuse I endured. The insinuation is that I should be more forgiving. Nobody wants to hear about that, but they do see fit to ask why I don't see her at Christmas or on Mother's day.

And no, my partner doesn't stick up for me or support me and I have come to expect that too, sadly.

I do think I am a capable and worthwhile person and don't understand why other people don't seem to see it. I think I have acheived great things in life and continue to do so against all the odds. And yet, no-one and I mean no-one else sees it, preferring to dismiss me. I am the sad person that uses social media to remind the world that I exist and feel I get more support from distant acquaintances (who don't actually know me) than I do from friends and family.

The fact that the perpetrator of the abuse was ill is still no justification or excuse for what happened to you. The people around you as a child made choices and poor ones at that. Abuse like you had and still have the legacy of thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open and start telling the truth to your partner's family about your mother who is absolutely not worthy of the term. Of course it was her bloody fault, you were but a child at the time and you were let down abjectly. She and your family of origin put you in this emotional prison and these people have not experienced what you did either.

Remember that the final straw can often be what others would regard as a “little thing” and they will use that to discredit you by pointing out your sensitivities or calling your reaction ‘ridiculous’ or exaggerated; Look at the whole picture through the actual truth instead of looking at everything the way that you have been directed to look at it. They had no motivation to change because they had the relationship exactly the way they wanted it. You're the one who is struggling. You need to finally decide that you are NOT going to be the “last person” in your own life.

If your partner cannot or will not support you here then I would respectfully suggest you plan your exit from this relationship. You are worthy of value but until and unless you start properly realising this for your own self and have far higher boundaries you will remain undervalued and unappreciated. Love your own self for a change, your partner clearly does not and nor do his kids.

Re this part of your comment:-
" but ultimately I was told to move on and get on with my life now and not let my childhood hold me back"

Was this actually said to you by a counsellor or did you infer it from those conversations?. Regardless however, it was wrong and I would look into therapy with one or both of the organisations I have urged you to contact rather than counselling.

Atilla, previous counsellors might not have said those exact words but it was certainly inferred that the time has come to stop going over things and start to move forward. But you know, I even recall counselors stifling yawns whilst listening to me.

You are absolutely right about being called "ridiculous" or sensitive when I do stand up for myself - this has happened on more than one occasion.

I am going to try to contact NAPAC this afternoon.

OP, those previous counsellors were probably just yawning because they were tired, for completely different reasons! They may have had a late night or been woken up by a child, who knows?
I think you have been so browbeaten by your abuse that you think everything is your fault, and you automatically assumed that the counsellors were bored with you.
Have you tried cognitive therapy? It doesn’t rehash your past, it just accepts that it’s caused negative thoughts, and it gives you the tools to address those negative views of yourself and replace them with more positive and encouraging ones.
I found it enormously helpful (I also had an emotionally abusive childhood), even though it required a lot of effort initially to rework my mindset.

Babdoc, that's interesting you say about cognitive behavioral therapy because I was told by previous counsellors that this wouldn't work for my situation.