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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What now?

15 replies

Twitchingi · 18/03/2019 08:17

My DH has said he’s not sure if he wants to be married anymore, we have been married 18 yrs, together 22, have teenage children, I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 18/03/2019 08:18

Look for signs of ow unfortunately....

hellsbellsmelons · 18/03/2019 15:13

Sorry but there's someone else.
The best thing to do is tell him you need some space and he needs to leave.
It's going to feel like the last thing you want to do but he needs to understand loss here.
Do NOT do the 'pick me dance'
Call around some solicitors and see if any offer a free half hour and see what separation would look like.
Do you work?
Could you manage financially on your own?
Is the house mortgaged?
How old are the children?
Have a look on line to see what you would be entitled in maintenance.
This is going to be a horrible time right now.
So get practical and keep busy.
Please confide in someone in real life.
You need some support right now.
Don't be keeping his secret for him.
YOU need some support.
This is a bolt from the blue for you.

If it would be better it might be good for YOU to get away for a bit.
Leave him to it.

Original poster
Twitchingi · 18/03/2019 15:36

Thank you, he says there’s no one else and I’m inclined to believe him due to his workload. House is mortgaged, not sure if I can manage financially on my own, children all 13+ and in education. I’ve booked to see a solicitor. Just reeling...

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 18/03/2019 15:42

In these situations, a big chunk of the time there'll be an ow.
Kick him out and keep an eye out for someone else.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. Xx

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 18/03/2019 15:44

Thank you, he says there’s no one else and I’m inclined to believe him due to his workload.

It's been said before by many people but if Bill Clinton can have an affair as president of the USA, anyone can.

Sadiesnakes · 18/03/2019 15:47

More then likely a work colleague if he's always working, or someone online. Rarely isn't an OW.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/03/2019 15:50

Have you asked him to leave the house?

If not then please do. It will give you some headspace to work out what's next.

Also agree that sooner or later a colleague will come crawling out of the woodwork as an OW...

He will need to contribute to mortgage until youngest is 18 I think. Your solicitor will be able to help.

Find as much paperwork as possible, including his salary and pension. If you have joint savings, move half into your own account. Find birth/wedding certificates and passports. If you have online banking, have a very good look for any unusual or unexpected payments going out. Likewise credit cards.

Underthefur · 18/03/2019 16:21

I am sorry Twitching, you must be reeling. I think it's very difficult to know what to do on the day it happens as you are (very probably) in shock.

Do you have someone you can talk to in real life?

I would say (from experience) take it minute by minute today, don't talk to him unless you want to, don't let him rush into telling the DC unless you're ok with that.

You can think about solicitors in the coming days, but not today.

Eat and drink what you can when you can. Same with sleep.

And absolutely make him leave. Today.

Thanks
Merryoldgoat · 18/03/2019 16:59

People can always find time to have an affair.

I know someone who used to meet her affair partner at 6.30am for sex before work so his wife didn’t get suspicious. She just thought he was missing the traffic.

Original poster
Twitchingi · 19/03/2019 05:49

He is leaving, no evidence of anything in bank statements etc. Just says we don’t get on anymore, but rather than work through it he’s decided to (metaphorically) smash up our whole lives.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 19/03/2019 06:11

How has your relationship been, honestly?

Personally, I would plough ahead with terminating the marriage. Take control. There are two benefits to that: you start the next phase of your life and the potential loss of you may make him reconsider. If he is serious then you have already started your new life and are not wasting time.

Original poster
Twitchingi · 19/03/2019 06:27

Our relationship has been good and bad, he has been more distant lately, I’ve tried to be supportive of his work demands, I’ve booked to see a solicitor, I need to look after my children and myself now

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 19/03/2019 07:49

Bear in mind that 'if' there is an ow it is only a distraction from problems you 'may' be having in your marriage.

Marriages can become good again with patience and attention.

Ow only provide a distraction of being new and shinny.

This wares off.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 19/03/2019 09:10

Seems like he already has somewhere to go....
He has checked out of your marriage op.
You are right to seek legal advice ASAP.
Remember you need to stay strong and get all you +dc are entitled to from him financially.

Original poster
Twitchingi · 19/03/2019 18:56

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, he has checked out of our marriage. He has devestated our children’s life, that for me is unforgivable

OP posts:
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