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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you forgive a lie? Or many lies?

16 replies

Tartanwarrior · 18/03/2019 06:33

DP and I have been in an on/off relationship for 6 years. We got back together about a year and half ago after 18 months apart.
To make a long story short, I absolutely u understand that while we were apart, he had the right to be with other people. I dated, but nothing serious. He said he has a few dates, but it ended quickly. He said nothing physical happened- he knows I may not have progressed if he had. Again, not because he doesn't have the right.

Anyhow- he lied. Apparently they arranged sleepovers, said they loved each other, but they didn't so much as kiss .

He has an ex student (mature student). When we were apart they went out quite a bit. They also went to see someone speak when we were together. He was evasive about who he was going with and clearly didn't want me to come- said he had promised the seat in the car to someone else. That was 5 years ago. When we got back together, I had casually asked about her ( she was an ex mature student, he started mentoring her for a teaching position) . He said he hardly remembered her. Since then, I've found out he took HER to the lecture, and that they went out socially ( to educational type events) to quite a few things while we were apart. This is after adamantly insisting that nothing had ever happened. Again, he had every right to do so, but he lied. And I hadnt quizzed him, it was more that he went out of his way to cover up/ lie, and I hadn't really thought he wasn't being truthful til recently.
So, he lied, several times, over the course of at least 5 years, and there was no real reason why he had to.
He tends to have more female than male friends. To start with I didn't have an issue, but now I'm more prickly about it.
He says he is sorry, won't be untruthful again. I've genuinely tried to get past it, but I keep finding out more things he lied about.

Of course it's all my fault. There have been other things... He's hardly touched me for months ( because he says I don't trust him). He pushes me away. If I gently ask what's wrong, then he ignores, but if I directly ask, then I'm being aggressive.

He's a smart, funny, intelligent man who is well respected. We talk loads, and have a laugh. I believe he cares. He's never married, never had kids, and never properly committed to anyone. In many ways, he is my best friend.
I'm not sure what I'm asking.
He lied in the past, but has covered them up since we got back together.
What would you do?

OP posts:

CanuckBC · 18/03/2019 07:08

Once trust is broken it’s very hard if not impossible to get back. Why lie about it? If it wasn’t more than what he is saying, why hide and deceive?

It would be a deal breaker especially with his ongoing behaviour. If you really want to continue, time for some intensive marriage counseling as his behaviour is not on! He is punishing you for his lying and breaking your trust!!!

AnyFucker · 18/03/2019 07:12

He shagged a student he was mentoring ?

No wonder he lied about it...that is pretty poor behaviour. Why do you want to make things work with this person ?

Moanymoaner123 · 18/03/2019 07:21

On and off for six years, along with the lying and the questionable morals wouldn't mean this was a relationship worth trying to save imo.

AgentJohnson · 18/03/2019 07:29

This has no future. How is someone who lies to you for his own convenience, your best friend? How is someone who abused his position of trust, your best friend? How is someone who is messing with your emotions, your best friend?

He isn’t your best friend, he’s just someone who is familiar and you have history with. I know it’s hard but you can’t keep waiting for the better more truthful version of him to appear. This is who he is and the price of staying in a relationship with him is, is living with the constant fear of the other shoe to drop.

If you respect yourself then you you should and can be doing better than this player.

Innocentinfamy · 18/03/2019 07:33

You cannot watch a liar.
You'll only end up questioning your own sanity.
Good luck whatever you decide

KOKOtiltomorrow · 18/03/2019 07:45

What AF said. He sounds a bit of a manipulator OP.

ShatnersWig · 18/03/2019 08:02

Aside from the whole student/mentor thing, what he did with anyone while the two of you split up is absolutely none of your concern. It's no different to the sexual history of a new partner (and pretty much everyone always says that's got fuck all to do with anyone).

But then I also don't understand people who waste time in on-off relationships. Can only assume they love the drama.

Sack him off and avoid on-off relationships in future, OP. There's a reason they go "off".

Original poster

Tartanwarrior · 18/03/2019 09:09

Hi
Just to be clear, it was an adult student he was mentoring. She was moving into teaching, and he mentored her. Which of course is fine. It's just that he said he hardly remembered her, and then I found out later that they had gone out several times, and had gone to a lecture 5 years ago- the one I wanted to go to but he didn't want me to.
I do understand that what he did while we were apart is none of my concern- it's that he lied about it.
He says he feels bad, wants to protect our relationship and build trust. Then I find out about other things he kept secret, and he pushes away...

I'm a bit dim, aren't I? 😂

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 18/03/2019 09:10

Not dim. Just too accepting of shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2019 09:15

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Not dim, just too accepting of rubbish like this man. Why have you done this to yourself for the past 6 years; its been on/off because its simply not working and will never work. Why do you value your own self so poorly here?.

This would indicate to me that your boundaries in relationships are far too low as well and therefore need urgent revising upwards.

MMmomDD · 18/03/2019 11:07

Unless you can put the past to rest and re-start the relationship front the last date you got back together - there is no future....

Not sure why lectures 5years ago are relevant now, tbh.... It’s like you picked up all the old arguments and issues - the moment you got back together. And that isn’t a good start.
You already broke up - over the old issues. There shouldn’t be a double jeopardy. It’s done and should be left in the past.
Also not sure why any of one you had to forgo sex once you broke up.

I can understand why he won’t tell you what he did when you were apart. Frankly - it’s his personal life and knowing you he knew you’d judge him. As you are doing now.

If you want this relationship to be ON for longer term - i’d focus on today. On you as a couple. On rebuilding intimacy, etc.
And in parallel deal with insecurities that you seem to have about him and his feelings for you.
If he wanted to be with that other woman - he’d have been with her.

You posted about him before - a whole ago, right? The story seems familiar.

VeronicaDinner · 18/03/2019 11:11

I think he's not under any obligation to tell you everything he's been doing when you were not dating. That could potentially include lying. If I didn’t want to share the story of an ex lover with a new partner, I might lie because it was easier.

But I totally understand why you feel you can't trust him.

Original poster

Tartanwarrior · 18/03/2019 12:40

MMom I found out about all the activities after we got back together.
I genuinely understand that he was allowed to be with other women while we were apart. We had a conversation about ' what we'd been up to'. I told the truth, he didn't. I can understand it to an extent, but since we got together, I have found out about other activities. It's not that he has female friends, it's that he told me that he mentored her, and that was it. And then, I found out there was a trip out, but he said that was it. And then there were other activities, but that was it. And then 5 years ago, there was a lecture. And then there was another thing. I was unaware of her at the time ( apart from her just being an ex student who he was fb friends with). Now I'm very worried that he's been carrying a torch, and I'm a convenient warm body.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tartanwarrior · 18/03/2019 12:43

attila I can't say I've learned anything positive about relationships growing up. I find it hard to know what is ' normal ' and what I should expect.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/03/2019 14:09

The thing is you keep finding out more and more lies, which he's not apologetic for.

Instead he gets arsey when questioned.

The trust is gone and you're just trudging along now. Best to go your separate ways.

MMmomDD · 18/03/2019 14:46

Tartan - just leave him. You’ll only torture yourself with insecurity.
If you can’t see that whatever torch he may or may not have carried - he has 18 months to act on - then nothjg would convince you.
You are in dowbward spiral. And stuck in the past.

Just move on. This isn’t a fairy tale you want. He’ll not change.
If I remember correctly from your long ago posts - he is an in academia and a loner of some sorts. And you probably want someone more emotional and focused on you.

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