Is loneliness hereditary?

[PotteryLottery]

I have just become aware of 3 generations of women who suffer from loneliness.

That feeling of being on the outside.

Coincidence or a predisposition?

Ooh, I would guess predisposition. If, say, you were brought up without mum's friends popping round - or not in a sociable household in general - then you'd be less likely to have this yourself as an adult.
I would say it's the same with depression. It's passed on through the generations with women.

Should that say 'more likely'?
Sorry, I'm tired, but hopefully you'll know what I mean.

I think the problem with this is that you don't know that the vast majority of women aren't lonely. I think feeling like an "outsider" is probably more common than you think. There are frequently posts about it on MN, full of women saying they feel the exact same thing.

My gran didn't have many friends at all. She wasn't disliked, but kept herself to herself, though she was close to her family.

My mum has been single for 20 years but loves living alone and her own company. Unlike my gran however she has a handful of close friends.

I always feel like an outsider in groups and am an introvert who happily doesn't go out much. But I do have a few close friends, so I'm more like my mum than my gran, though I do feel lonely at times because I don't really fit in anywhere (and my close friends are all of a similar personality type to me and don't really know each other, we're not a group of friends).

It's not really loneliness is it? It's to do with contentedness.

Plenty of people will be content being a lone - being really alone. Other people will find even a moment alone too much or will feel "lonely" in a marriage.

I'm not sure it's heridatary exactly but I do think there is a personality pre-disposition towards happiness/contentedness.

Some people are happy with very little. Others strive for the world, achieve it and are still not happy.

It's like depression - you have it or you don't.

I think it's learned behaviour. Like dieu said, if you grow up isolated you're likely to stay that way

Loneliness comes from a lack of being able to connect with people on an authentic, vulnerable level. Children can learn through mimicking and experience that avoiding closeness with people keeps them safe but it comes with the negative of always being lonely. It's called avoidant attachment and it does run in families probably through both nature and nurture.

Loneliness comes from a lack of being able to connect with people on an authentic, vulnerable level

I don't think that's right at all.

Loneliness is two parted - one is a perceived lack of connection and two is feeling sad about it - lonely.

Have you never heard people say they felt lonely at a party in a crowded room standing next to their bf/DH who they didn't feel connected to?

Some people feel lonely even with lots of apparent friends and a partner.
Some people don't feel lonely even when they have no friends, relatives or partners. They are happy totally alone.

It's mostly do with how you feel about your situation.

Exactly, people can be lonely when they "seem" to have close relationships. That's subjective experience because there is no need to be lonely, it requires the engagement to connect with the people around you on a more than superficial level.

People who are completely happy, alone, all the time have avoidant attachment because it is deviant as a social animal to be happier eschewing human contact. It's a denial of a core need we have as humans.

So yes it's about perception of your situation but it's not normal to never need anyone. There's a big difference between being independent and being counterdepedent. Independence still allows for connection counterdepedence doesn't and is ultimately not good for long term mental health.

Avoidant people can have a really hard time connecting because they feel "different" and feel they may be rejected, it becomes easier to disconnect from a social model of living because it keeps emotions safe. "if there is only me, I am the worst thing that can happen to me". It's a social survival strategy.

Avoidant attachments are caused by incompatible parenting. Helicopter parenting can cause it, as can ambivalent or neglectful parenting. As it causes the child to be over self-reliant and distrustful of others motives.

I think it's learned behaviour.

^This.

Avoidant people can have a really hard time connecting because they feel "different" and feel they may be rejected, it becomes easier to disconnect from a social model of living because it keeps emotions safe. "if there is only me, I am the worst thing that can happen to me".

This is me, 100%. I really am happier avoiding social situations because they make me so anxious and so many times I've got close to people only for them to hurt me. Also I genuinely enjoy spending my free time working on my creative hobbies and reading more than I would socialising. But I guess in an ideal world I'd be able to fit in and enjoy being with others.

I know I am like my mother in that I love my own company. Neither of us get lonely when we are alone.

Loneliness or being alone? Because they are different and i reckon I would find it hard to distinguish what’s happening from outside. On the hereditary thing, certain personality traits (introversion, neuroticism - not my terms, terms used in psychology) are often found to have some hereditary basis. But for individuals, it would be of course hard to differentiate hereditary from other factors, maybe learned behaviours but maybe also generations growing up in a community with particular attributes that might participation tricky for certain people. Thorny issue!!!

@OutwithMyRemit I've felt like that my entire life until I found someone I could explain to how I felt and why our arguments followed the pattern they did. Through gentle challenging I'm working on it and being closer to people does lead to contentment, lots of anxiety when I try to change how I approach relationships but it's possible to get over the loneliness thing.

SixDot941 that's interesting to hear. Are you working with a therapist to change things?

I did go to therapy but it only got me so far with an NHS therapist who failed to "get me". She thought I was "co dependant" with my abusive xh and so to some extent she gave the wrong treatment. So my psych helped me unpick that.

My new partner and being picky about quality friendships have helped the most. It's a process of learning that you are absolutely acceptable the way you are, even when you aren't the best you. I couldn't ask for anything I wanted from my partner, I was totally counter dependant. Last night he was proud of me because I actually moved his arm around me for a cuddle without feeling I was "acting special". It was a big step forward.

I'm not saying it's not painful or anxiety producing but "being me" is less lonely and I do feel more content in myself for being a more cooperative human.