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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fall out with husband over pregnancy loss

2 replies

LizNite · 17/03/2019 20:24

Hi everyone, really just needed to talk and get peoples opinion on where to go next.
So a bit of back ground, me and my hubby have 2 children together, January 2017 we decided to start trying for a third. In that time, we had a late miscarriage at 15 weeks in October 17, 4 early losses (around 4 weeks) jan 18, March 18, July 18 and September 18. And then we had an ectopic pregnancy jan 19, I was 7 weeks, my tube ruptured, I was internally bleeding (lost 2.5ltrs of blood) and had to have a tube removed. To say it scared the s*t out of us is an understatement. We have decided that we are no longer going to try for another baby, we have 2 amazing kids already and we just don’t want to risk it for there sake (and my own health as well). Now, even though I am 100% sure I don’t want to try for anymore, and have made that decision mutually with my husband, it still is a very difficult decision and one that still upsets me a little, even though I know it’s the right one. I try and deal with it on my own, without letting my emotions getting in the way of my kids life’s as they don’t understand what’s happened, but sometimes it just gets a bit too much. So decided to talk to hubby tonight about it and he’s reduced me to tears, walked off up to bed and made me feel like s*t for telling him how I feel. It’s really took me back as he’s very much been ‘if you need to talk, i’m Here’ but when I do i’m Made to feel horrible about it. I know it’s hard for him too, but we’re in this together. He said I sprung it on him, but I don’t know how else other than asking him to talk about it, i’m Meant to bring up the subject (if that makes sense).
So basically what i’m Asking is do I have a right to be mad that he’s made me feel like this, and how do I move forward from feeling so ‘rejected’ and alone? It’s quite a emotional time for me anyway as it’s the anniversary of my dads death on Tuesday.

OP posts:
BoudicasBoudoir · 17/03/2019 21:53

I think you absolutely need counselling. You have had a hideous time and been forced into a very difficult decision. You have clearly not come to terms with this properly.

Sadly, sometimes the one person we feel should support us completely and utterly isn’t able or willing to. It really hurts when you realise that, I know. But you do need to talk to someone. I don’t know how much truth is in the old cliche that women process difficult emotions by talking, and men don’t, but I do know that in my own marriage, my husband isn’t always able to listen to me when I’m repeatedly going over the same ground. He wants to provide a solution. If we’ve already made a decision, as it sounds like you have, then he doesn’t want to ‘go round it again’ and feels I’m blaming him for the situation. And he withdraws.

Which is not to say that you should put up with callous or cruel behaviour. Definitely let him know that you need his full support. But don’t make him solely responsible for it.

I’m very sorry for your losses.

LizNite · 18/03/2019 07:14

Thank you for your reply. I totally get what you mean about going over it again when we’ve made a decision, i just felt down this weekend, the baby we lost at 15 weeks would have been 1 the start of April, and we’d been to my friends little boys 1st birthday over the weekend, I think that just made me emotional. I don’t go on about it as I do go to councelling but I think because I was feeling emotional with certain dates coming up I just wanted some support from my husband, a cuddle and ‘it’ll be okay’ was all I wanted. I was just really shocked by his manner/sternness with me, he felt quite cold towards me. He was making out that I was asking to try again and how selfish that is on the kids, but I never even said or implied that. I was merely saying it is still a hard, emotional decision, even though it is the right one.

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