Mother in-law disaster

[Firsttimewinner]

Hi everyone...

So... here goes... we've been staying with DH parents... they said that they have a second home that is my DH inheritance... so reluctantly... I moved in on the promise that as soon as it got too much we could go... that didn't happen... even when I was I months pregnant and crying saying I will not cope with them and a baby, they won't leave me alone...

He is no longer having the house... we will be renting from them (so it's put us backwards another 2 years rather than helping as we moved in thinking we would be in the property ladder! That was agreed)

Anyway... I feel resentful that I have spent the first three months of my child's life in this house... because; they have made it about them! They expected my child to be in their living space every night for 2- 3 hours at a time... this was when D'S came home from hospital and they go moody when he wasnt... I use to sit upstairs in the bathroom crying because I didn't want him to be with them for that long every single day! They would make me feel uncomfortable when I would sit in there with them so I had to leave... when D'S would cry for food (I was breast feedimg) she wouldn't give him back... she'd walk around with her finger in his mouth laughing at his little cry and it killed me... when I eventually got him back to feed him she wouldn't leave me alone to breast feed... and then want him back after... my milk dried up and the health visitor kept saying you need to relax... how could i woth that going on? So i had to stop which killed me... but when I put my foot down and didn't let him be in there with them as he should be with his mum and dad especially at 2 fucking weeks old, she'd moan at my husband and he'd moan at me saying "ARE you going to let them see him today?" Like no... you'd rather have your wife upstairs balling her eyes out while they establish their bond with their Grandchild before we have???

Anyway... she would have her friends come round... without telling me expecting my son down there for them to view... and when I said no he's sleeping and I need to sleep as well... she walked around the house like a victim, slamming doors, moping around then when that didn't work shed get aggressive and bully her way in pushing past me and literally jumping in my seat as soon as I got up... if she had just let me know in advance that people were coming round instead of just inviting people who i don't know round (this was before my best friends have met him as wrll) I might have been a little more in agreement... but then she did it again with her other friends... and of she hadn't have been so interfering i.e. knocking on the door every 5 minutes I might be a little less anxious about leaving the room

Then when it came to choose the house, after we'd spent nearly every day going for viewings when he was 2 weeks old... they found this tiny house and when we said we didn't like it, she basically said we had no choice but to live there and called my husband a bully because he said that it wasn't what we were looking for... she was the bully that day and there after... they have not once asked how id feel raising my son there.. they just said it's a nice starter home... a nice little house for our little family... we had a home before we moved in there... rented... but was our home and no ties to any one... now we're going to be renting from his mum and dad and will be controlled through this... she makes out like she's rescued us?????? She hasn't at all... we were happy where we were making our plans to get a mortgage... fair enough it would have been hard work... and that's why my husband wanted to move in because he thought he would have his own house... then the plan changed over night and we still don't know why even now...

I hate that I have to stay in our room to spend time with my son... if I come out of there with my son, they're there taking over... I'm constantly late for things as I'm literally shoved to one side while I'm trying to get him ready... they literally stand and push me out the way and stand where I am making the bottles and I make a point in saying... I was standing yhrtr doing his bottles... and they still just stand there

When I stayed in the same room as my son with them (as it should be at that age) they started taking him into their room and shutting the door...

We move house in 2 weeks but I just can't forgive my MIL or my husband for doing this... I have had major anxiety in this house and at times struggled to bond with my son because of this...

I am not respected as a mum or his wife and I cannot forgive the time that has been lost battling to have my son, the tension for when they don't have their grandson... and to be honest I don't want her touching him after all this... I stay with him for a little while but they just look at me and make me feel that uncomfortable that I have to leave... I don't leave my baby with my own mum for any longer than a toilet break so why should it be any different just because I live in their hiuse...

I feel like I am trapped in resentment and it's just got a hell of a lot worse now I'm more confident as a mum and know that my baby wants his mum and she won't accept that and won't give him back... even when I say, he just wants a cuddle from his mum... I can literally see her skin crawl because I am his mum and he doesn't want anyone but me at that time...

We move in two weeks but all I keep thinking she's going to expect "her time" with him the night before we go, and she expects that she'll be looking after him while we move... but the way that she's treated me and her own son, she can think again! Xxx my baby is 10 weeks old... still new to the world and she needs to remember thay when she's screaming at him because he won't look at her because he's focussed on his dad and there's a crazy lady trying to get him to smile when he just wants fuvking feeding...

Far too much has gone on for me to forgive, at a crucial time and the most important time of our lives... and she has just ruined it but trying to stamp her authority over us

I am not her daughter... she is not my mum... I do not treat her with Illness... just respect... it's her house her rules, but when it comes to my son, it's my son and my rules above all else!

I guess I'm just ranting but literally I feel poorly with all this... I'm upstairs in my bedroom the whole time I'm in this house... or I'm dragging dear son out or just driving around so I don't have to go home... I go to baby groups as well but they don't last all day...

DH has been supportive but doesn't understand my emotions behind all this... he'll be happy to let them have him for 3 hours at a time but at that age? That young? Before we have our bond... no way mate and yet, despite the fact that I've cried to you about this... and you still go off and give him to them anyway... just tells me where your loyalty lies... and now we have to move into a house that they own???? Where does it end? What next? Are they going to put the rent up for not seeing them every week or whenever they want?

I will never get this time back... I have wanted children for a long long time and have never been in the position to do it... I have dreamt of becoming a mum long before I met my husband and it wasn't supposed to be like this...

How can I move on from this resentment? How can I forgive my MIL and my DH? And how can I rebuild a bond with my baby at 10 weeks old in this new house that isn't even ours... and how can I let go of the fact there is a high possibility that we will still be controlled in thay house?

Sorry for ranting... I really needed this xxx

Please be kind... I'm really really feeling it at the mo!

That was difficult to read. I would not be privately renting. Pack your things and tell dh he has two choices: 1. He rents private and you live as a family or 2. You want a proper lease with MIL which abides by all tenancy laws e.g. 24 hours notice, can't just barge in etc.
In the meantime, make yourself busy every day. Get up, get yourself and dc ready and go out for the day

There seems to be a couple of major issues here: firstly your partner is not supporting your choices, secondly the 'mil' needs to be firmly told no-to her face, in front of your DH! Thirdly you need space away with your child, maybe book a hotel/friends place for a week or two. Lastly in the gentlest way possible, it is quite usual for people to coo over babies(so out and about people are not trying to intrude on your time)
Looking towards the future, do you want your child to turn out like your DH and controlled by your MIL? What are you prepared to do about this?
Sorry to ask such questions but burying your head in the sand is not going to help long term.
Don't let them palm you off with, this all being a you problem-i assure you from the sounds of it, you are in the 'right'

I understand how you feel. I went through similar with my mil. Now I have almost no contact with her. Thank goodness I didn't live with her.

Your first baby, you waited a long time to have him, you want to bond alone and get the chance to love him.

MIL sounds over excited and perhaps has forgotten how she probably felt with her first baby.

There's probably a lot of hormones driving your resentment which MILs behaviour has made worse.

Like others have said, refuse to move into MILs house or find your own accommodation if you can. Your DH is stuck in the middle. He has a difficult job managing the two relationships but he should be putting you first. His mum needs to back off until you're ready. When you move out she needs to ring first. Your DH has to tell her how long she can stay for so the expectation is set . She can't bring people round until you say so either.

even when I go to baby massage class the instructor loves a hold of my baby and I'm like is thete anywhere I can go without someone taking him from me????

Have you been to the GP? Sounds like you may have PND.

"then the plan changed over night and we still don't know why even now... "

Because they don't like you and hope/suspect that the marriage won't last. If they give their son a house, you have a 50% claim on it. If you rent, it remains in their name and you can't touch it.

"Have you been to the GP? Sounds like you may have PND."

I was thinking this too. It must be very hard living with overbearing in-laws but you do sound a little intense. Some of the things you describe sound normal but are upsetting you. I think you need to talk to someone, just to check whether there is anything else going on, and then yes investigate renting privately.

PND?
Maybe, but the situation is horrendous so the situation needs to be fixed before any depression can be addressed.

Am I getting this right that your PILs have chosen and bought a house for you to rent? What is the advantage to you of doing this?

I had similar things happen when my MIL visited without warning every day the first month our baby was here which made me depressed and resentful even a year on, so I can't even imagine if I lived with someone that controlling. You definitely need to get out of there as soon as you can, it isn't healthy for you or baby. My favourite quote from when my baby was little was 'he is my grandson I can watch him eat if I want', while I was topless and sobbing trying to breastfeed and asked her to leave!

There is no way on earth I would be moving into that house. No way. When you are all wrapped up in these intense relationships it feels like change can be impossible and you ‘have’ to do things but you really don’t. You are a grown adult and can live where you like so long as you can afford it, which it sounds like you can. If they own the house you live in you will never, ever stamp out this entitled behaviour. The timing is awful as you have a newborn and are clearly very stressed out. However if you choose your own place you only have to move once and then can settle in and do things the way you want. Tell your husband you desperately want him to come with you but you’re moving even if he doesn’t. You do not have to move into their house. All the best to you xx

Deep breath OP it sounds a complete nightmare.

Your DH should be talking to his parents.

It must be terrible to be so unhappy with your living circumstances at what should be a wonderful time.

Things really need to change, we all need space, and you run the risk of becoming very depressed.

Is there a friend or relationship that you could stay with for a few days?Even a few days in a hotel, if finances allow? Before you move, 14 days sound like they will be the longest in your life otherwise.

You are a mum, it’s your call now. Your MIL has had her babies and brought up her children. Perhaps she is trying to be helpful, but she is totally overstepping the mark and causing you distress in the process.

You don’t have to put up with this, just say No, baby’s staying with me, we are having a rest, etc. Of course you want to be with your baby, most mums would.

And when you move, visits must be by arrangement, your arrangement not hers.

Good luck.

I’d pack some bags and use my savings to bugger off to a cheap air b&b for the next two weeks.

And honestly I’d not be moving into that house, they’ll definitely have a key and let themselves in. I’d private rent somewhere and tell OH it’s crunch time, he goes with you and your baby or he stays with them.

Just move out op, the rest will sort itself. Even if you move in with a friend for a few weeks. You really sound down and in need of some you and baby time

OP Pack a bag right now ..your things and baby things and go ....go anywhere a hotel for a few days anything you like ..you need space quickly.If you have no support for DH you decide.Its time you called the tune now and make them dance to it ....the only way is drastic action.Space will give you clarity and peace to decide what is best for you and baby let them wait til you decide....

The whole family has behaved horrendously towards you including your DH....you do not need that.,,your baby needs you for everything ..

I've said to DH if I even have a sniff of control, I will be moving and I've set that boundary for myself... it's up to him if he comes or not... but I will be going... alone or not...

Leave.. now

You sound very well informed about the need to build the bond with the newborn - and you are 100% correct.

That is all that matters right now. Your DH doesn’t get it (not surprised with his DM dynamics) - so YOU need to call the shots and make it happen. Take back control. Move out immediately - even for a week to a friends or holiday let. Then sort private rented. Don’t waste anymore time. Doesn’t matter if your DH is on board at this time. Currently your DC is just absorbing your negative stress - but you can turn this around. Whatever it takes in in the company of people who love, respect, care for your and being you joy so that you can pass this on to your baby.

You sound like you are and will be a brilliant mother and you are right about spending time with your DC to form a bond.

I agree that you should not move into a house owned by your PIL. Things will only get worse if you do. You need to take some control over your life. Your DH needs to be on your side over such an important issue if your marriage is to survive.

You need to find a house to rent for you and your baby and tell DH you will not be renting from his DM. Never allow MIL a key to your home and do not allow her to babysit or dictate any terms on which she sees the baby. It should be on your terms which could be that she can visit when and as little or as often as you say.

I had a very similar experience. I resent my PIL even now. I can only tell you that it is having distance and putting your foot down that will resolve the situation.

Pack a bag for you and your baby and leave.
Your husband can follow if he wants. Start tomorrow fresh, no hysterics, just cool, calm decisiveness.

Do not argue about something that is so fundamental to your needs.,