Difficult sibling, how to manage?

[Reflexella]

Trying not to out so will write without gender.

I have a sibling who I have had a difficult relationship with for many years. I actually don’t know what the cause of it is, I really don’t!

Their behaviour is downright passive aggressive - will not make eye contact, will not answer polite conversational questions and will ignore me when I visit family home (we are all in 30s). They basically look at me with barely concealed contempt.

This person works in a professional job so as far as I know has no MH issues that would make this sort of conversation difficult. They also behave very differently to other family members/siblings. They also make a big deal of my child which is great in some way but in light of their behaviour towards me just feels weird as I am ostracised.

I have for a long time been civil, be the bigger person & attempted to maintain polite conversation but today I’ve fucking well had enough. Whilst sitting for a family meal I asked 4 polite conversational questions - re job & an upcoming social event. All questions were met with no eye contact & yes or no.

In a big family (or maybe just our family) confrontation doesn’t happen so as not to cause hassle for the others.

However I’d got to the angry confrontation point today. I am considering phoning them tomorrow to ask them about their behaviour towards me.

Is there any point in doing this? Low contact is already in operation (weekly) but no contact is not an option. Parents tend to ignore & take a ‘we just need to bang their heads together’ approach.

Any tips on how to confront in an adult way? Any advice or experience would be gratefully received.

Thanks!

Is there another sibling who's noticed this and could say something?

Would you ever normally speak to this sibling on the phone? Do they ever get in touch with you?

Is this person jealous of you? Do you have what they want?

No we wouldn’t usually speak on the phone but I won’t see them face to face before we get to the just sweep it under the carpet again stage.

I feel that I should be assertive and say something when I have calmed down but I guess they may deny it.

Family all take a least said soonest mended approach so wouldn’t say anything.

I think I would send a text rather than phone.

"Hi X, just wondered whether I've done something to upset or annoy you, because we've noticed (if your husband/partner is there, too) that you don't look at me when you answer me and you give me one word answers. Obviously this makes me uncomfortable and I assume you know what you're doing. Let me know, will you?"

The reason I'd say "we've noticed" is that people like that hate the fact that someone outside the family has noticed their bad behaviour.

Righto a text might be more controlled/less emotional 👍

And no, no partner so easier to make out that it’s in my head.

I’ll sleep on it I think.

Thank-you for your advice

following. I'm in a similar position with a sibling except I know what the specific issue is (although there are many under lying ones) and I just don't know how or even if to approach them. sibling relationships are hard

Could your sibling perceive you as the "golden child"? If the sibling is always compared negatively to you he or she could be resentful, even when it isn't really your fault.

I doubt I have the golden child crown. Parents have a very equal approach in my opinion.

Yes it is so difficult as it compromises everyone’s relationship. Yet I feel I need to tackle it & get brave.

But I think I need to do it in a calm adult way.

Do they have a partner who's going to side with them?

Are they jealous you have a child? Do they see you as having landed on your feet in any way

I have sibling issues too. And a family that doesn't do confrontation.

I have been unable to fin a way to tackle it effectively - I reacted when sibling was trying to get a rise from me and we had a bit of a row and we have barely spoken since. It isn't great and it was my closest sibling but I was sick with the constant judging and snipes so I guess I couldn't have won.

My only real comment to you is that if you say you are low contact but it is weekly that isn't really low contact. We are basically Xmas and each parent birthday now.

No they don’t have a partner & neither do I. I have a child, they don’t.

We have equal education but I guess I objectively would be considered more successful (but I’d debate that).

I have had no great opportunity/life event that could cause this other than my personality(!)

I guess there could be an element of jealousy there but how do you tackle that with someone in their 30s?

I feel jealousy at times towards others but I realise no ones life is peachy. If I feel jealous about someone who’s married, I remember that there are also downsides to being married etc etc.

Can you just say whether this is a sister or brother?!

Yes lower contact maybe the way.

Just culturally difficult! - think Italian style family

It’s a sister

I would also say to her that her making a big fuss of your child is quite clearly very deliberate and hypocritical.

My advice is just don't bother. I suspect your sister is jealous of your child getting your parent's attention. She resents you for making this child who has taken her place in the family as the golden special child.

How was your relationship as a child? I expect either your sibling has a very different take on your relationship re who.is successful/has the attention of your parents etc or they have taken offence about something which has hardly registered with you. How is it if you are alone with them?

Maybe so.

I’m not alone with them, we seem to have an unwritten agreement where we don’t spend time together outside of the family! - this is the low contact part.

Although I make attempts to include in family activities offer invites etc

I’d go much lower contact and make no effort at all re invites, conversation etc.

I did it, I text.

I confronted the issue in a non threatening way. She apologised said she’s tired wasn’t personal, I pointed out that her behaviour is noticeably different towards me & it doesn’t feel good. No reply.

I feel good that I’ve got it off my chest in an adult, non emotional controlled way. I guess where she goes with it is up to her now, right?

Glad you sent the text - her response doesn't ring true though if she's often like this and to you rather than other family members.

Hope this is start to a better relationship though. If not, can you go lower contact? Weekly is actually quite often! If you can't reduce the frequency and the relationship doesn't improve I'd just talk more to your other family members be as polite as you would be to a stranger, and avoid as far as possible being located too close to her. Sad though: it would be good to get to the bottom of this. Are you able to invite her to coffee (neutral location) to talk this through?

well done that was brave. I hope you have a positive resolution 🤞