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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice and encouragement - leaving ‘D’P

26 replies

NowWhat19 · 17/03/2019 18:46

So I have previously posted on here, took a break from my dp as he hadn’t been very helpful with DD and just in general very disrespectful and thinking he has the final say on well everything.

Anyway, he pretty much begged me to come back to him said he missed me and DD, so I decided to give it a shot! Been back 2weeks now and things are back where they were before, he isn’t looking after DD and with me well be disrespectful. Only time he isn’t is if I remind him of me leaving and he’ll try and act affectionate or starts to help with DD then will revert.

Anyway now I’m sure he’ll never change and I need to leave him and as stupid as it sounds I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s fear of the unknown or not wanting to hurt him as much as he has hurt me but I’m finding it so hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
NowWhat19 · 17/03/2019 18:47

Any words of wisedom and encouragment would be so appreciated, or even just a good kick in the butt

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/03/2019 18:51

What is the financial and house situation

Realistically he isn’t going to improve you and your DD life is better you being apart

You won’t be hurting him he knew what you needed him to do and he didn’t do it

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 17/03/2019 19:09

Well I have savings, but he owns the flat we are currently living in. It would be my intention to move back to my home town 40 miles away with my family until I can find a place to rent.

This is all something I have thought about, even down to DP seeing DD but currently he sees her maybe 30 mins if that each day and usually spent with him doing anything other than spend a bit of time with her.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/03/2019 19:15

Then just go OP - are you working

The fact you are no on the deeds is also a bad sign there is a post on here at the moment with someone who has realised how bad that is and how stuck they are

Nat6999 · 17/03/2019 19:20

I left my husband 9 years ago, my marriage was awful, he gaslighted me, was abusive, milked me financially. I have never regretted it for one moment, with hindsight I should have never married him.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 17/03/2019 19:28

I am employed but currently on maternity leave, DD is only 5 months!

@Nat6999, sounds similar to me but without the marriage! Constant gaslighting, feel like I’m going crazy... has a habit of trying to be very attentive in front of others that i start to believe it’s me. Even with the financial side pretty much everything my DD has I brought. All he provides is a bed to sleep on and a headache! Problem is that I just find it so hard to go

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/03/2019 23:00

Go back to family until the end of your maternity leave. Talk to your work about resigning/finding a job closer to home.

Moanymoaner123 · 17/03/2019 23:05

Go back to your parents asap. Don't waste anymore time on him, he has no interest in changing or becoming a better man or father. You focus on you and your DD, don't give him more headspace. Who cares if he is upset? He clearly can't even be bothered to be vaguely pleasant to you so why afford him niceties at your expense?

pootyisabadcat · 17/03/2019 23:07

Stop wasting time on him. He will NEVER change. He's a selfish, financially abusive twat. No more chances or shots. Move out now. Your life can be so much better without him.

pickingdaisies · 17/03/2019 23:12

So now you know that he cannot, will not change. You have somewhere to go, so call your family (I bet they'll be relieved you've seen him for what he is) maybe someone can come and help you get your stuff out, and go. Good luck.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 18/03/2019 10:44

I know he cannot change, however everytime he feels like I might leave he reverts to being helpful ( by that I mean at least changing a nappy and not trying to piss me off ). At his worst he’d dismiss anything I say and even raise hit arm like he is going to hit me if I stand up to him ( he says he is joking ) completely ignore DD, leaving her unattended on our bed even tho she can roll, refusing to change nappies or get involved with her all, be dirty beyond belief ( sounds gross but not cleaning out toilet after leaving it in a nasty state, sorry tmi, even after I’ve told him to clean it ). Then on top of that and this may sound a bit pathetic I went out and brought him lunch and myself some water before I put DD down for a nap, afterwards couldn’t find my bottle just the cap and when I asked him he admitted to drinking all of it even though he hates sparkling water.

I know I need to get out of this relationship but it’s like this nightmare cycle, but I need to be strong for DD and get out!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2019 10:55

Re your comment:-
"It would be my intention to move back to my home town 40 miles away with my family until I can find a place to rent".

Do this and asap, by the end of this week ideally. He is no example of a father to be showing your daughter either; she deserves better too. Do not get further sucked in by promises from him to change, words are cheap and actions too speak far louder than words. He used words to haul you back in and unsurprisingly he has not changed one iota.

He knows you want to leave and just does enough to keep you there. Do not keep on falling for this from him. No more with buying him lunch either; that makes you sound even more pathetic and or mother like towards him. To show how contemptuous of you or pathetic he thinks you are he drank or otherwise poured away your water.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think on this. When you are fully away from this individual also think long and hard about your boundaries in relationships and work on revising those urgently. You cannot afford to choose a partner so poorly as you did here ever again. The Freedom Programme by Womens Aid is one I would suggest you do as well as well as reading about codependency in relationships.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/03/2019 11:20

Ah your poor DD.
What a horrible role model he is for her.
What would you tell her when she is with a man just like her Dad?
Because if you stay, that is what will happen.
It's not good enough for her is it?
So then, it's not good enough for you.
He is so disrespectful to you and you already know this.
Get out of this cycle.
Only YOU can break it.
Show you DD that women are worth more than this.
That we are strong and we don't need a man like this in our life.
That we can be independent and not rely on a man - ANY MAN!
Time for you now.
He brings nothing at all to your life.
Pack up now and go home.
Get some love and support around you.
Stay strong and get out - FAST!!!

SuziQ10 · 18/03/2019 11:22

Is he at work now?
Call a solicitor and see if you can get some basic legal advise (if not, you can do this tomorrow).
How do you intend to get to where you will be staying - do you have a car?
If so, get everything together now, don't forget your paperwork & documents (passports, official letters, everything!) and pack your stuff. It shouldn't take too long? You'll be gone by the time he gets home. Can a family member come and assist / support you?
Don't delay. You don't want to be there anymore and you don't have to! Everything else can be sorted out afterwards.

Hidingtonothing · 18/03/2019 11:22

What do you think is stopping you OP? You know he's not going to change, you can see through his tactic of being 'nice' when he fears you might leave and you don't want to be with him. So what do you feel is holding you back?

You sound lovely and very switched on and he sounds awful btw, I can see why you want to leave Flowers

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 18/03/2019 13:31

@Hidingtonothing, thank you Smile. To be honest i think I’m what’s stopping me, I want to leave be everytime I come close to leaving I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Now logically I know I have nothing to feel guilty for, I’ve done nothing but look after this man while he has done nothing for me. Probably some fear over not been able to spend everyday with DD at some point, but better that and having a happy healthy mummy then everyday with her and feeling low. The former isn’t ideal, not what I wanted for her but it’s far better than the latter.

Growing up I didn’t see good relationships, my parents had a toxic relationship because my father was far too lazy and I realise my DP is very similar to him.

@hellsbellsmelons, DD definitely deserves better a better Dad and future partner and so do I. And like you said she will only learn her self worth through me!

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 18/03/2019 15:14

I think the guilt is how he's conditioned you OP, he's basically trained you to feel responsible for him so it's no wonder you're struggling to walk away. He's a grown man though and your instincts are right, DD is the one who needs you and it's her you need to protect now. Whether you end up with a new partner or stay single she needs to see you happy and making good choices for yourself and for her, that's how you make sure she doesn't repeat the pattern of toxic relationships.

You sound like your head is exactly where it needs to be, it's just your feelings that need to catch up. I wonder if it would help to start making some proper plans? Start actually looking at places to live and thinking about practicalities so you begin to envisage the new life you could have, might just give you the incentive you need to break free. Might also be helpful to make some sort of list (make sure he can't access it of course) of all the ways he's treated you badly that you can refer to when the guilt kicks in. You can already see that you've done nothing but give and got nothing in return but seeing the extent of it in black and white might help you see that enough really is enough.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 18/03/2019 15:55

@Hidingtonothing you are right it is my DD I need to protect now, she needs to see it’s ok to be happy.

The guilt is a form of control and I need to break that cycle, so many things have happened where he has pretty much bullied me into a corner. For example not allowing DD to have both our surnames, when really I had control over that but with him verbal aggression made me feel like his was the only choice, told me there is no way he is letting her have any other surname other than his... something I’ll forever regret! Not because I don’t want her to have his surname just I would’ve like her to have mine too.

You’re right a list of all he has done and also plans for our new life so I can get through all the uncertainly. Also perhaps organising for some family to come up and help me move or at least be here for support, I’m very aware that I also have this feeling he’ll get violent. He hasn’t been physically violent before but can see it in him.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 18/03/2019 16:18

Start planning. It will make it real for you, if you can begin to visualise yourself packing, and leaving. He's really awful, so disrespectful to you. I think he's getting a kick out of not doing things you want him to. He thinks he's got you right where he wants you. Your poor DD, and poor you, neither of you deserve to live like this. It won't get better.

Hidingtonothing · 18/03/2019 16:20

I also have this feeling he’ll get violent.

This is not to be ignored, it's really common for abuse to escalate when an abuser feels they're losing control over you so do any and every thing you can to protect yours and DD's safety. Having family help you move is a really good idea and make 100% sure your devices are safe and/or you delete your internet history so he doesn't get wind that you're trying to leave.

Your last post confirms even more strongly that you do need to leave though, don't doubt yourself Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 18/03/2019 17:58

You cant stay with someone you think will be violent! Get away asap and give yourself and DD a better life. good luck

Happynow001 · 18/03/2019 18:22

Reread your post from 10:44 from the viewpoint of your daughter at your age and in your current position. What would you advise her?

Stay with this uncaring, controlling person with possible violent tendencies - in a home she has no legal financial interest in - or leave?

If you cannot leave for yourself then leave for her. Luckily you have somewhere to go (can you plan to leave whilst he is out of the home? Can someone help you with the packing and transport?). Just ensure you have all your important documents (eg passports, birth certificate, financials, Work papers etc. Also apply for child support from CMS as soon as you have relocated so he pays towards his child's needs.

Actions speak louder than words OP. He's shown you his actions - now you need to act.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 18/03/2019 20:11

My best bet will be to do all of this on a day when one of my family members are available and get them to come up to me. That way I can get it done and just get out of the flat to avoid been forced back into putting up with this.

I need to remember that just because my DD and him have a right to have a relationship doesn’t mean I have to be in one with him!

@Happynow001 if this were my DD I would tell her to leave as soon as possible and that he deserves no loyalty from her. Also that she is worth so much more, so so much more.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 19/03/2019 07:30

I hope you manage to get this sorted ASAP OP both for you and your daughter, and that you're able to make a quick exit and co-parent calmly. Fingers crossed for you.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 19/03/2019 14:30

So do I @Happynow001, all I can hope for is that we can calmly co-parent and for us all to be happy!

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