Explaining NC to my children

[potofdreams1]

Looking for some advice on how best to navigate a difficult situation with in-laws, in terms of looking out for my children.

In short, after many years of a difficult relationship with in-laws, events came to a head last year resulting in a huge fallout. That in itself was bad enough but one of my BiLs decided to wade in take sides with IL. DH was understandably devastated but certain things were said that couldn't be taken back and they haven't spoken since.

DH has attempted to stay civil with IL so they can maintain some sort of relationship with our DC but contact is kept to a minimum. Similarly for BiL but as he lives in London kids barely see him anyway.

I have tried desperately hard not to criticise or bad-mouth ILs in front of the DC but the same can't be said vice versa. After every visit they return home asking pointed questions and making comments on what happened. It makes me absolutely livid. It's even worse on the occasions DC visit and BiL/SiL happen to be there. There is no filter to what is said in front of DC and BiL/siL love nothing more than fanning the flames.

DC are 13 and 11 so old enough to understand what is going on but we have tried to protect them from the full facts as they naturally love IL.

BiL has now asked DS (directly!) if he would like to stay for a few days, something I am vehemently opposed to but need to be careful on my rationale with DS. Really don't want to say or do anything to upset DS but on other hand need to protect him and DD from their lies. Would be easier to just cut all contact if they were younger but they love IL and don't understand why we can't just all get on. Sadly though they're not yet old enough to get that life doesn't always work out like that.

At 6+7 my dc stopped seeing dgm. I told them sometimes people are not who they first seem /claim to be and she wasn't a good person to have in their lives. They accepted my explanation. Your dc are well old enough for the truth imo. Before they start questioning why you send them to such toxic relatives.

Tell your in laws that unless they stop bad mouthing you and your husband to your children, your children will not be seeing them alone.

Tell your son that while his grandparents and uncle do love them they seem unable to respect you as parents and are behaving very badly in being critical of you to your children so you won't be visiting for a while. Once they sort themselves out, you'll be happy to start visits again.

I would also forget about not involving the children - they are already involved courtesy of the in laws. So sit them down and give them a full version of the events as they actually happened.

Thanks Easter...problem is they play Disney GP when the DC visit. Huge amounts of money spent
them, during which comes the inevitable character assassination.

Does your DH not speak up when the character assassination starts?

Yes but the slagging off isn't infront of him

• much more insidious than that. He has tried to keep the peace for sake of DC but not sure that's

totally constructive anymore.

You cannot let them have your kids if they’re slagging you off to them. That’s extremely confusing and damaging to your Dc. As they’re doing that they lose visitation rights. Simple as that.

Well what does your DH think now ?
They are old enough to be told the truth.

People always talk about "for the sake of the children" and use that to rationalise exposing them to toxic relatives. It would have been better had you stopped contact years ago but you didn't so you have two choices either continue to allow them to be around these people or sit them down and have a frank conversation with them and explain that for a while the won't be seeing them.

So sit them down and give them a full version of the events as they actually happened
At what age do you expect your DC to be ready to hear the truth?
I think 11 and 13 is plenty old enough to know the true family dynamics.

Their behaviour is damaging to the kids. If this was a divorced mum and dad situation then it would be categorised as emotional abuse. I'm surprised that you wouldn't go NC as a family tbh. Are you sure that they aren't too young to know details?

The gentle solution:
I would tell the adults to stop or the kids would be going NC with them until they were adults. Tell the kids that the adults had been warned and if the adults love them then they will stop dripping poison.

The strong solution:
Kids go NC until they are adults. People who care about you don't drip poison about others that you love. Assuming they are at school, they will know people who will happily slag off others and it's just plain mean. You explain that treats and money doesn't equal love. Wanting your loved ones to be happy is and they shouldn't be slagging you off or talking about the fallout.

11 and 13 is pretty old not to know details. I can't think of many scenarios that they'd have to be shielded from.

You stop the visits and tell your DCs the truth. They are old enough now and to understand that their love is being bought.

Growing up we were LC with my DF's family and NC with my DM's sister. They were completely honest as to why - DF's family indulged in favourites and DF wasn't it, DM's sister was mega bitch who ultimately stole my DM's inheritance.

If you aren't criticising ILs in front of the DCs you are basically lying to them and stopping them from learning the skill of judging who is a trustworthy character. They need to learn these skills and that if someone can't be kind to their DM, or their mum can't bear to spend more than 2 days a year with them, they probably aren't worth hanging around.

The problem with the gentle solution, is there's nothing to stop the IL from pretending to accept and then making the dc promise not to tell the OP and dh what's said. Making them feel they have to conceal things in order to keep seeing the gps and piling on guilt and confusion.

I think you need to speak with the dc, OP, and cut contact for their sake. Them being in the middle of this dysfunctional dynamic isn't good for them.

I see that shielding them from the truth isn't helping. Unfortunately I think going totally NC is something that DH has problems getting his head round

Well look at it this way, either he gets his head around it or your kids are mentally affected by all this. It’s the grandparents doing, they are to blame. The kids come first. End of!

Well he can visit on his own. Doesn't he want to protect his children ?

I agree with @MumUnderTheMoon. Why on earth are you exposing them to this? Toxic relatives are not worth the trouble and by disrespecting you, they are disrespecting your children as they are unable to restrict their argument to the key protagonists and seem hell bent on damaging others.

My exh spent years showering our dc with cash and bad mouthing me. Even told them I was a prostitute!! They hit 12+14 and went nc with him.
I am sure your dc aren't stupid op...

The gentle solution is problematic. My kids have never met my mum because I don't want her tainting my kids with her abusive ways. It's completely the right thing for my family and has stopped the cycle of abuse with my generation. My brother has made the same decision and his dd is also happy and loved by the maternal grandparents.

I think part of me is still in shock over what happened, particularly with BiL becoming so venomous (was already hardened to IL's behaviour).

Whilst I have no qualms about going NC it seems so drastic and final for the DC and I didn't want them resenting us further down the line. Realistically I see we don't have any other option as much as I hate to stop them seeing their 'beloved' GPs I don't want them exposed to their warped perspective on life.

If you don’t want to go no contact, at least become very busy. Plan outings, sleepovers with kids friends etc

I’d be telling the kids the truth. I wouldn’t be happy with my kids seeing anyone who said anything bad about me

The ILs should not be having unsupervised time with your DCs. This type of situation is exactly what NC is for. Your H's position sounds quite sketchy. He doesn't seem concerned with protecting the children or you. Your DCs are plenty old enough to know the truth. Is your H scared to stand up to them?