DH wants us to have counselling. With my ex mil.

[MeowthThatsRight]

Well, not my MIL as such but my exbf’s DM. Dh and I are on the rocks to put it lightly. Before we make any big decisions though DH wants us to have a course of counselling whether we end up staying together or not. I’m not convinced but told him I would but he had to book it. In normal life me asking DH to take care of something generally means it’s not done so I assumed this would also be the case here. But no, he’s gone and booked and paid for a course of six evening sessions with my ex mil.

Dh is unaware who this lady is. I was with ex bf for six years from 16-22. She was always very kind to me and sort of took me in a bit. I had a fairly difficult home life and she used to let me go round to hers and do my homework and sleep there on nights before exams. When I fell pregnant at 18 she came with me to have an abortion (which dh is unaware of). We’re not in touch any more but I’ve always remembered her as a lovely lady.

But I don’t want to be talking to her about my marital problems! It’s all such a fucking mess between dh and I. I’ve told him who she is and he thinks that I’m using it as an excuse not to have counselling as I don’t want to try to save our marriage. Which I’m not sure I do want to save. But it’s certainly not going to save itself by me telling my ex mil that I haven’t had sex with my dh for 3 years because my vagina keeps falling out.

Fuck it, what’s the worst that can happen?! (Other than your vagina falling out!)
Give it a shot, maybe her son is now free and single

Your dh is nuts! Bloody hell, i won't have counselling with anyone i knew, let along am ex's mum!

Say you will contact exMIL and get a refund, and then you will book another counsellor if you think there's any point. But if this is your dh's usual level of empathy then I can't see much point.

It is worrying that your husband won't listen to you on this but surely the counsellor would refuse on the grounds that she knows you and that would be unprofessional.

If she’s professional she would say she couldn’t work with you anyway

She wont work with you when she finds out who you are anyway. It's completely unethical. As soon as she sees you she will say that she cant work with you... hopefully she will recommend another counsellor for you.
Can you perhaps call her personally and tell her the situation before hand so she can call your DH and explain that you are not making it up?

Are you saying yo have a prolapse? Are you getting medical attention for that?

Jesus no way could I do that!
More for my own sake than pride or anything, if I was spending my tins going to counseling I’d want to know there was nothing holding me back in being totally honest etc.

I would imagine she won’t work with you anyway as she knows you. She might be able to recommend someone else though.

Why on earth does your DH think you want to go to a counciling session wit your ex mil? Does he think you have some unresolved issues with her or something?!

Oh I have just realised your email ex mil is the therapist . For some reason I thought your dh wanted your mil to come along with you both to a counciling session.

Does she know that you’re you- ie, does she have your name and recognise you as the name you had when you were 22?

There’s no way a professional therapist will counsel someone with whom they’ve had a close, personal, relationship.

She can’t work with you as a therapist given the history of your prior relationship. It doesn’t sound as though you are ‘sold’ on relationship therapy as your partner and on that basis alone it isn’t likely to work.

If your vagina keeps falling out, you have a prolapse and that can be fixed. Cancel this therapy session and see your GP to get a referral to have this fixed.

As PPs say it wouldn’t be appropriate, so she will decline you as clients and refund the money.

It would be unethical for her to counsel you, as she knows you in a different capacity.

He needs to find an independent counsellor who has not had a relationship or friendship with either of you.

For some reason I thought he wanted you and MIL to attend therapy together. It wasn't 100% clear. You should have said your ex MIL is a therapist to avoid confusion.

She cannot counsil you! At all... it's a breach in her ethics...

I am a counsellor and we cannot counsil people we know/or have had emotional relationships with...

Although she can be confidential and not tell your ex... she still cannot do it... unless she doesn't have a professional body supporting her... I wonder if he's told her your full name? That way she might have given you another contact!

How awkward must That be?

Good luck with it all and i hope you and your partner sort things for the best for each other but as far as your ex MIL goes... I swear it's not allowed xxx

I hadn’t considered that she might not be allowed to ethically. That’s a perfect reason that dh can’t possibly object to. She wouldn’t know it’s me at all, I don’t use my maiden name and have only recently moved back to the town I grew up in.

I have had surgery to repair prolapse. Unfortunately I also have a connective tissue disorder that has meant the surgery wasn’t entirely successful and will need to be redone in the near future. It’s going to cost a fortune to have done as I’m not a priority. I don’t have an objection to the cost but more dh’s unwillingness to take a couple of days off to help me with the kids while I’ve got a fanny full of stitches.

Oh op :( your update sounds so shit. You poor thing

more dh’s unwillingness to take a couple of days off to help me with the kids while I’ve got a fanny full of stitches.

And (given his job allows for this) you think counceling would help with that?

prokupatus I don’t really think counselling will help tbh. I’m very much ready to call it a day but dh wants us to give it one last shot (by arranging counselling rather than changing any of his behaviour).

dh’s unwillingness to take a couple of days off to help me with the kids while I’ve got a fanny full of stitches.

Tell him you're not going for counselling until he steps up.

Sorry about your health problems.

He doesn’t get to decide: if you want to end the relationship - which sounds sensible - you don’t need his agreement. The money would be better spent on healthcare for you or childcare if he won’t parent while you recover from surgery.

I think we do need some kind of mediation - he works mon-fri over 250 miles away from our home. So for him to continue to have normalise contact will require calm conversations. I was hoping counselling would help us communicate better in order for us to do this. I think hes still determined that our marriage will continue.

I’m not being bullied or anything to stay in the marriage. Tbh at this point nothing he says really has any emotional impact on me. But there’s no rush for him to move out and I really want life for the dc’s to carry on as normally as possible.

It sounds like you're no longer in love with him and have had enough.

Have you told him the therapist is your Ex MIL?