How do I know if this could be an actual relationship?

[OverthinkingThingsAndStuff]

I met a man a few months ago.

Everything going well - says/does the right things - no love bombing; respectful; kind; caring; all the good stuff... - I assume this is all positive - no red flags. Gets on well enough with his ex wife for the sake of the children.

He was previously in a 20 year relationship that ended about 5 years ago and had an 18 month relationship after that - I assume this means he's not desperate for a girlfriend and just anyone will do.

All of his friends are in long term relationships and his parents were together for 50 years - I assume this indicates that he is genuine/serious when he says he's not into 'dating' and is looking to settle down with the right person (not assuming that is me) if you're judging a person by the company they keep.

He's introduced me to some of his family and a couple of his friends - I assume this means that he's genuinely single and that he isn't ashamed of me and that he feels positively towards me.

He seems to genuinely like me but I can't quite get rid of the little voice in my head that's telling me I'm not good enough for him and it's too good to be true when, really, it's no more or less than thousands of other people have.

I sound like a silly kid, I know, but I'm in my early 40s and have never had an emotionally mature; loving; respectful relationship. Over the past few years, I've had a series of casual relationships - they looked a bit like relationships but were just substitutes with no genuine feeling or expectations and that suited me fine.

I'd really like a proper relationship but have no way of knowing if this could be one. What do I need to be mindful of and look out for? Thanks

Ask him ?
If you can’t talk to him about the relationship then it will never be one.

I really think that you need to have a chat. Three months in seems like the right time to talk about exclusivity etc and where it is going, especially if you may want children (you don't refer to this, so apologies if I've made an assumption).

Thanks.

No, neither of us want children - already been discussed.

He refers to 'us'.

We were exclusive right from the start - neither of us are into 'dating'.

I don't know how to bring up where the relationship is going! Or really what it even means. A few months in is probably a bit early to say really.

My title is probably a little misleading. It's more that everything he's saying is 'right' but, never having had anything close to a good relationship before, I'm finding it difficult to trust it!

As much as anything, I know how easy it is to say something with out it being true. I suppose I just wondered if there are any 'tells' that I might see.

Don’t start conversations about “where are we going” at only 3mos in.... It’s way way too early...

He sounds like a good and normal man with a good potential for a LT relationship. However - it’s not a contract with expectations and deliverables. No amount of analysing his past history or future expectations can GUARANTEE you and him will work out.

Like all of us - you need to just live and build this relationship a day at a time. There is no way to rush it.

Sit back and enjoy it for what it is. Presumably you haven't got any dc, so your time and money's your own. It's nice just to have a companion to do things with, and if it lasts long term, that's a bonus.

Yes, I can see that. I suppose just not having any real experience of it means that I feel a bit 'lost at sea' about it all. I'm not really looking for a guarantee that he and I will work out from him, just an indicator (beyond him saying it!) that he's not playing games.

I suppose I'm just not really confident that I'm LTR material I suppose. I'm trying to take him at face value, not read too much into anything and to do exactly what you say, build the relationship one day at a time. I think it's my ability/worth/potential I'm questioning as much as anything

We both have children - late teens/adult and early/mid teens and hobbies/busy lives and a bit of distance between us which means we're not in each other's pockets day in day out. But we talk every day even when we can't see each other.

I have had a long term 'relationship' but it's a complicated story and it was more a 'relationship of convenience' where we didn't really love each other romantically but were very close platonically until he met someone he fell in love with. A lot of resentment built up in that 'relationship' because we'd both 'settled' in the belief that we'd never have anything more.

“just an indicator (beyond him saying it!) that he's not playing games.”

Beyond words and behaviour of the person you are dating - there ARE NO other indications about long term intentions, or the future.

It sounds more like you have some sort of insecurities and your own issues that you need to look at. And figure out why you think you aren’t worthy to be in a relationship with.

Try to relax and not overthink. Take it a day at a time. You seem to have a good thing going there - don’t ruin it by questioning and putting it under pressure at such early phase.

Marissa Peer wrote this incredible book, called I Am Enough: Mark your Mirror, Change Your Life. I suggest you buy this, read it, tell yourself you're enough all through the day and start to feel worthy. The new guy in your life sounds wonderful. Sound like the voice in your head (which we all have) has taken over with a negative loop and I'd hate for you to sabotage this lovely fresh start for your love life.

Being insecure is unattractive and hard work for any potential partner. You need to accept that there are no guarantees and be fine with it.