Is this emotional abuse, mental illness or me?

[earlgreymarl]

I am so fed up with the late night arguments DH picks. Usually on a Saturday night, usually they escalate on the same theme having started off as something minor, a difference of opinion on a matter unrelated to our lives, or me not 100% agreeing with something he says, or agreeing, but adding to it with my own opinion in some small way.

They esculate as he says that whenever we have a disagreement he is wrong. Then he says I have told him he is wrong when I haven't said this. Then he tells me I say he is mad, when I haven't said this. Then he says I don't validate his feelings, when this has all started off as something very very minor to start with. DH has worsened this by getting extremely emotional in a very short space of time, crying and physcially dramatic. I sound cold but I am worn out and don't want to get dragged in again, I have seen this so many times now, and we just go round in circular arguments.

He was treated for depression last year with meds, so I have been there with all the comforting, listening, begging, imploring him to talk to someone, asking what I can do to make things better, being careful in what I say, not brinigning my needs to him, tryingn to undertsand. He refused on many occassions to talk to a counsellor or anything like that. So he puts it on me.

He says I don't try to understand his feelings, but he can't seem to express his feelings, other than in terms of telling me things I have apprarently done, which I haven't.

I am in a catch 22, cos if I tell him its wrong that I haven't said x then it plays into his hands cos that is me telling him he is wrong.

I have tried telling him I can't take responsibility for how he reacts to things and that it is disprroportionate and asking him to try and take a step back and look at the situation.

It is double standards too as on the rare occassion I tell him how unhappy I am in our relationship, and how lonely I feel and how I know certain things will never happen for me to experience or enjoy, then he gives virtually no response to that.

He took himself off meds, without telling me or the Dr initially and told me he was better in January. His words were " I am fine, don't you worry about me" which in itself was odd as at one stage we were openly discussing how he was doing. But then last night he was saying "well I had to say that didn't I" and "don't you think this is a cry for help", but if I suggest he goes to the doctor or talks to someone that provokes an even worse reaction.

I feel it is all one me. And totally pissed off that he launches into these things on a Saturday night when I am just quietly relaxing at the end of a busy week. He seeks it out and then it affects me the next day, although he moves on quite quick after his outburst and pretends it never happenned almost.

It's like he is accusing me of gaslighting him. He brings all this crazyness into our converastations and leaves me no where to go.

Added to this, he has started this bizarre thing with out DS where Saturday is my day with DS and Sunday is his, and he has become rigid and presumptive about this when all it was originally was us taking turns with having a lie in. So, even when DS is like, can I play on the (whatever) he will respond ask your mum she is in charge on a Saturday. So we end up not actually doing anything together as a family, as he plans out stuff for him and DS on Sunday, takes him out all day, but nothing I am included in / anythign that gets chosen to do together, so I am invariably reeling still from a late night arguement and then am cut off from them for Sunday, which means I see less of my son, untl they come back, for their tea.

The other week he insisted on still coming to a family meal with my family, and sat there making half rude digs at me and sniping, but subtle enough so they could be passed off as a joke in some cases and then got all wound up at the end. It was like he came just to spite me as usually he would be glad to opt out of any social event.

We haven't had sex in over a year. I don't mind, it was generally only on his terms before anyway. He was cross as he couldn't get an errection while he was depressed / on the meds which he brought up in anger one day when he was saying why he came off them. Also on weekedn nights, and this has happened say 3 times now, he makes a grab for me while I am sleeping, I push him away or get him back to his side of the bed but it makes me feel repulsed as even if he did want to strike up this side of our relationship again that is a sneeky way to go about it.

He definintly seems to struggle with understanding / reading my feelings so a huge amount of this revolves around communication.

Is this emotional abuse, mental illness or me as a bad partner who won't meet the emotional needs of her husband?

Also to add, in these episodes, he will go on to say about doubting his own perception of the world in a way that is like I am making him do that. Either you are right and I am mad, that sort of thing.

Leave. He is utterly horrible to you.

Not sure it matters what you call it OP. It doesn't appear to be bringing you anything other than frustration and unhappiness. Is there anything about the relationship that is positive? Do you have good times together in between the misery? If not I do hope it will be possible for you to separate. Sounds as if you and your DS will be so much happier when you can live your own lives.

I would be extremely worried about your ds's welfare, while he's being used as a pawn like this.

@oldstyle I struggle to see the positives in the relationship nowadays, he seems like such a different person to a couple of years ago and the dynamics are different here now as I am back to work full time and so am doing less of the caring / nurturing stuff. Last week we had an argument about food, cos he is fussy and I wanted him and DS to go to the shops to tell me what food they would both happily eat, cos I am sick of trying to please them. It is a suggestion I have made many times. His initial response was that it was the same as me asking him about screws and him telling me to go to b&q or some such nonsense.

Anyway, at that point I was thinking, is there anything that he does for me / with me that couldn't pay someone else to do and I couldn't actually think of anything which is sad. I would be prepared to make more of an effort but am drained and depleated.

I think taking the ds off every Sunday needs to stop. Your dh is gaslighting you and abusing you. Being depressed doesn’t mean you have to be a horrible person. Are you prepared to split up?

@category12 it is only recently that I have considered he may be doing the weekend thing intentionally. I am torn tbh between the sadness of breaking up the family home for my DS or the potential impact of things as they are. I cannot imagine how I would even go about it. He is such a lovely, happy and positive little boy, I don't want to break his heart.

Oh OP this sounds exhausting for you and such a manipulative situation to be in. You are getting so little out of this relationship. It's all become about his needs and not yours. I suspect you are so tied into this loop that you are probably loosing track of what your own emotional and physical needs are. Sending hugs 🤗

Drained and depleted says it all OP. I do feel for you. This isn't going to get better is it? Is there someone IRL you could talk to - friends or family - who could help you find the courage to leave and support you through that process?
I was in a similar situation years ago although it took years for me to actually acknowledge what was happening and make the decision to go. I've never looked back. It was like the sun coming out after months/years of winter rain. Hope you can do it.

He sounds very toxic and disordered however you are unlikely to get clarity on the cause because even if he sought medical help he would be unlikely to have the insight to relay your feelings.

I think you are in the devalue phase of the cycle. For most couples after the romantic phase, they move to the settled phase where a "Sat night in" is being comfortable with each other. For disordered individuals they can't deal with this phase so they start to devalue their partner. The negative comments when with your family is very symptomatic and typical.

How old is your son? In my situation Ex couldn't cope with the DC growing up and he did very similar with the split parenting days, this enabled him to have full control of the DC. I spent years trying to "fix" the situation, counselling solo & joint, read every book on relationships but eventually realised it was an abusive relationship and he was incapable of empathy and had a pattern of idealise, devalue & discard.

Someone wisely told me "you can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm"

I know it will be painful to separate but a relationship like this can make you physically ill as your adrenal glands are on alert constantly. It can also harm your relationship with your child as in my situation Ex would be vile to me but charming to the DC and I was the parent who seemed to be drained & unhappy.

We are much happier now as the energy I wasted in trying to understand Ex goes into making life fun for us.

Does he storm off after these Saturday night arguments? Perhaps using it as an excuse to go out, doing who knows, but make it your fault (in his own head)?

Asking for sex when you are asleep, after a year of no interest (knowing you'll say no) also sounds like a way to take his issues and make them your fault.

Please run for the hills!

Thanks @always.

@Olds thanks, it is encouraging to hear your experience. Good on you. I can talk to my DM who has also been there done with manipulative and abusive relationships.

@life DS is 6 and I do very much fear that it will end up / come across like I am the drained and unhappy one. I just spoke to DS before and said that I feel I hardly get to see him on Sundays, he was saying well lets do something about that, maybe if you give dad less jobs to do that mean going out. I don't give him any jobs over the weekend! But it has quickly become the norm, this seperateness. I am encourgaged by what you have said, if I can find the courage to do it myself. It is a big decision. I have spent years thinking about his behavior and what would change things / what should I do, but it could be that nothing can be done.

@coparent, yes he does sometimes, but sometimes for a drive or a walk with the dogs, last night pretty sure he went to the pub though as he made a big show of taking his wallet . I don't care I was just glad for that part of the evening to be over.

I just find it so exhausting the next day, because I feel so rattled about it, he goes back to being "normal" but obviously it is awkward as nothing is resolved, he won't bring the topic back up (until next time!) and I just want to get some peace / recover, but I can't be happy as I should be after these episodes and he is normal and with our ds and I am under par and withdrawn.

It is not surprising that I feel apprehensive with him.

I have quite a full on job and can't being doing with all this crap at the weekend, which means you lose a day and an eve to being in between - neither relaxing, having fun or able to get things done / apply my mind. I feel now like I fall into a vacuum of alone on a sunday, thinking did that happen and I am generally upbeat.

Thanks everyone to replying.

@thanks Cherry. I think I needed to hear that. that's what I need to decide I guess and how / when.

I can't add much but just wanted to send you over a virtual hug and say, it's only going to get better. Leave when you can and don't look back.

Thank you @treacle