adult children and divorce

[Waystobewicked]

How did you feel when your parents split up if you were a young adult.

If we didn’t have children we would split - no brainier. But we do , late primary early secondary age.
I guess they think we are happy. But I am not.
A split could not be amicable. I just don’t know if I can face the upset it wil cause them now.

This didn’t happen to me, but it did happen to a guy I know.

His mum left his dad the second the youngest went off to uni.

He said it hit him like a train. He felt his whole childhood had been a lie (which in a way it had).

Nobody has a crystal ball but I would say if you’re deeply unhappy, it’s probably better to rip the plaster off now.

Your children will know you are unhappy, they will notice the way you talk to each other. They will notice the tension. Please, if you want to leave just do it now. Don't use your children as an excuse to stay.

Better now than when they're doing GCSEs.

Wished they had done 10 years earlier.

Please don't wait until your children are adults.

My parents eventually divorced when I was 23, my brother 25 and my sister 20. We all knew they weren't happy, we listened to them arguing and sniping at each other or my dad ignoring my mum for weeks at a time all the while pretending that every one was normal.

My dad cheated the whole time he was married to my mum, admittedly we didn't know but there was always 'overtime' my dad was doing ant not at home in the evenings and weekends.

Thank you for your replies, it’s very helpful.
I think there is fairly little arguing, except sometimes when it blows up. I’m pretty good at just putting on a front . I try to avoid things that will piss him off. It’s becoming increasingly soul destroying. However my concern is my wanting to split is a selfish one. I think I’ll be happier, but think he and the kids won’t be.
I guess I need to establish if this is as good as it gets? I worry what the future will be like when the kids aren’t around

You may think your children aren't aware of the tension between the two of you but I bet they know something is wrong.

They will feel the different atmosphere at home, around the 2 of you.

This isn’t as good as it gets. As good as it gets in your situation (since this isn’t a good relationship) is to be happy.

Being happy is actually crucial to the wellbeing of your dc. My kids thrived after I left, particularly my youngest who had been absorbing all the tension and unhappy vibes (there were no arguments in the home, either).

I underestimated the beneficial effect on my parenting and my dc. Being happy and authentic is win-win for you and your dc

I have been wondering the same thing, thanks for starting the thread.

I have also come to the conclusion that it's better now than in 10 years' time (DC 12 & 14) but it's so hard knowing that this will turn their lives upside down.

Won't your kids already be feeling the atmosphere or you treading on eggshells "putting on a front" already though? That doesn't sound an emotionally happy/stable home to be in?

Jamais,

I think it better leave and not to continue live in a unhappy household.

From my family point of view I can say my mum has never looked or wanted another relationship and is very happy by herself.

My dad marry the person he had his 'last affair' with and was married to her for about 15 years before he died, and unfortunately that showed her trues colours.

My older brother has been married 3 times, 2 very quick marriages and he now been married to his 3rd wife for 20 years.

My younger sister has been married 25 years, and I have been married for 18 years.

We are all doing well with our chosen careers and family lives.

You're not as good an actor as you think you are, no one is.

It’s so very hard 😔 I know people have it worse.
Just everything, the fall out, telling the kids. I’m not even sure how we could work the living arrangements. He won’t leave, and so not even sure how to get thing to change only if I moved out and then the kids would see me as the one who’s left them. I can’t do that . Can’t see he would agree to sell the house.

Perhaps it's time you got some proper legal advice and see a solicitor OP, to help clarify options and next steps?

My parents split when I was 15 and 1 week before my exams started. I wished they split earlier as I flunked every single one! They were always fighting and my childhood was a pretty miserable one. Do not stay married just for the children, if anything, you will make the children's lives worse.

Mine split when I was about 22. It hit me really hard.

We, as children, knew they were unhappy and the arguments were often constant. Lived walking on eggshells for a large majority of my childhood/teen years. It wasn't a day out without a major argument and storming off.

I wish they had split when I was young, even when I was young I used to wish they'd just split.

When dad eventually left (in the sneakiest bastard of ways) it was hard. I knew it was inevitable eventually but I struggled as I then became the parent to my mother who couldn't cope with being alone. The responsibility of her was overwhelming and having to navigate her feelings as well as my own.

As an adult, I felt like we (sis and I) had been a burden and stop on both of them being happy and still feel very much to blame for their unhappy time seemingly forcibly spent together.

Deal with it now, it's not easier when children are older. Just different.

Being stuck in a marriage like this is utter misery. It seems like there isn’t an immediate rush so I would recommend seeing a solicitor to get some advice on your particular situation and if you can, maybe some counselling to prepare yourself. Telling your children is hard but you only have to do it once. Plus if you tell their schools they can be really helpful.

I grew up knowing my mother was only staying " because of the kids". Except she never got round to leaving because it was too much bother by the time we left home - she was 52 by the time the nest was finally empty and had been married 28 years. So she stayed in an unhappy marriage with a man she hadn't loved for years, and then died at 56. You have no idea how shit you feel knowing your mum had a crap life just so we wouldn't be upset. I'd much preferred her to have just done it.

I was mid 20s when my parents split up and I was absolutely devastated. My dad left my mum for his OW and my mum was left in pieces! Hardest time of my life

I don't think waiting until your children are older makes it easier on them. It will be upsetting whenever it happens but when they are older, particularly if you wait until they are young adults, they might feel responsible for you and feel like they should be able to help or intervene, when that isn't possible or appropriate.

OP - as a mum of 2 DCs (now 12 and 10) reading this thread has convinced me further that I did the right thing to split from my ExH when I did (5 years back). It was heartbreaking to tell them - but I am so much happier and that shines through in everything. My exH sees them a lot and I am so happy that they don’t have to listen to a bad relationship. My ExH and I are born with new partners and it is so much healthier for them to watch these relationships than ours. They have got very used to it now and I really pray they will look back on a happy childhood and not one where they think that we stayed together because of them and their whole childhood as a lie. Hope that gives you the positive side of the situation. Besides my parents stayed together and were super unhappy and it was awful.