Is there someone whom you just can't get over - even if they left you years ago?

[SurferRosa]

I can't help it. DS1's dad was my first real lover at the tender age of 27 (he was 39), and he didn't treat me very well in terms of commitment, but despite all of it, I cannot ever imagine that I will stop loving him. He used to make me very angry, but at the same time the love was overpowering...I breathed for him, every moment was about him...we were 'together' for four years and I haven't seen him since DS1 was 1.

I had a relationship or two since then, neither lasted long, neither was anywhere near the feeling I had before...

Am I ever going to get over him? Now I'm single again I fantasise about him again. He lives locally which doesn't help...he remarried and her youngest goes to DS1's new school, so I might see him there I suppose, and am unsure how I'll handle it.

Just wondered if anyone else has had this sort of intensity of feeling, nearly 4 years after breaking up...or is it just my mind latching onto something...

Thanks xx

Have had similar..but..you DO need to move on. I know you will have heard these words before, even from yourselve.

and tbh, you need to look at yourself from the sound of it. "Adoration", 'putting up with poor behaviour'...a question arises over a few things...how intact your sense of self-esteem is, and how you may utterly fail to deal with other problems you may face I.E. if only he loved me, then things will be alright...when you know he doesn't and won't ever.

These 'feelings' are not best characterised by "intense", but rather "damaging" and "misplaced". Nothing 'romantic' about them at all. Just a bit inadequate and sad.

Promote yourself as a person, NOT some else's VERY ex-love. He IS an ex- for a reason.

and..every other relationship following WILL be doomed, until you ditch these self-absorbing thoughts. No-one else will be able to contribute to your happiness until you do this.

you don't love him. you love the idea of him. the strength of your feeling is natural - he is the father of your son- but you really have to file it under 'in the past'.

ouch. You're totally right.

But how to ditch the feelings??

Your feelinngs are fed by your thoughts. If you wish to change really, you must discipline yourself to "catch" you having self-indulgent, hankering fantasies, memoeries etc. You will be having them, and to entertain them will increase your self-imprisonment.
When you 'monitor' your thoughts like this, act by instantly distracting yourself with something else, some activity or other preoccupation. You CAN do this, BUT it needs practice. You cannot wait for something else to just pop along to do this for you. Practice your care over your thoughts, and soon you will be in a MUCH healthier state.
This isn't a panacea, but it goes a long way in helping.

Thankyou - will give it a try. Seems only to really happen when I'm in a vulnerable state anyway...perhaps a coping mechanism, mustn't allow it to get out of hand.
I appreciate your advice