Hello...I’m in a dilemma, to say the least. I’ve just turned 40 and have been unhappily married for 18 years to a man who’s essentially not a bad person but has put me through a lot over the years. My marriage was semi arranged (south Asian) and happened too quickly, remained unconsummated for almost two years with little or no sex all along. He wouldn’t let me keep in contact with family and friends for a few years, was emotionally and physically abusive. I left him for a few months 12 years ago but came back. Things improved but I still put up with a lot because I thought I loved him, he was my ‘first’ and more importantly what I see now as cultural conditioning. Fast forward 18 years, two lovely kids (14 and 7) to whom he’s a good but absent father, we moved to another country where I have been living half the year as a single parent/primary caregiver since over 7 years - so suffice to say the marital intimacy both sexually and emotionally has not grown . But it’s a functional relationship.
Last year, whilst finishing a higher degree, I met a wonderful man. It was unexpected and we fell madly in love. He’s also unhappily married with two children. We both feel guilty but the joy at having found each other seems stronger than the guilt. We come from entirely different worlds ( he’s English) and yet I’ve never felt this connected to anyone on so many levels. It’s been a year now and he has expressed that we need to think about being together formally and permanently.
As much as I love him, I also feel terrified about making another mistake and this time it won’t be just me that suffers but my children too. My husband has a vengeful side and will make sure I go through hell for any financial settlements etc. More importantly, the social ramifications for me are even worse- leaving a marriage for a man, one not from my religious/cultural background, breaking another home, causing my children damage...
I’ve told this man that we should wait another year to see how we feel - this would give me time to get somewhere work-wise. I don’t want to go from being financially dependent from one man to another. But that would mean being a ‘cheat’ for another year :(
All these years feeling lonely and unhappy in my marriage I would dream about finding what I have found in S but now I really don’t know what to do.