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Original poster

How to deal with potentially errant text message

51 replies

WrexhamBuxom · 17/03/2019 05:05

Ugh, dang my overthinking sensibilities.

So, my DP is out of town visiting family, and we were texting back and forth late last night. Anyway at one point, he randomly texts, "But of course mademoiselle." Now...I hadn't said or asked anything that would have precipitated an answer like that.

My initial thought was that he was planning to say, "but of course Mademoiselle," then "It's time for me to go to bed." Anyway, before it got that far, I texted him a joke about speaking French. Then, I didn't hear anything back for several minutes, to the point I figured he fell asleep. Then, I did get something jokey back from him, followed by him saying it was time for bed.

Now, I am second guessing myself and everything. Perhaps that message was meant for someone else and he got his wires crossed. I just don't know.

To add to the confusion, it was his birthday, so I didn't really wanna pick a fight with him on his birthday, or else I would have asked him point blank if that message was meant for me before he went to bed. But, I really didn't want him to go to bed cranky on his birthday, I just let it be. The problem is, now if I ask him today or tomorrow, he'll know I have been stewing about it, and I don't want him to think he has that kind of power over me.

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 17/03/2019 14:44

Wrexham, if you're feeling insecure this is the worst place to post. People will automatically jump in telling you he's cheating, he's not your partner, leave him etc. I can't work out if they hate men or like to make women who might be struggling feel even worse. Either way, it's not rational advice.
This ^^. Every time.
Are you sure it wasn't either a autocorrection milarky? Seems like the obvious explanation. But just ask him. Keep it casual - 'I was meaning to ask you, what was that mademoiselle thing about?' - face to face.

Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 14:52

he rarely has his phone out, usually puts his phone away

Yeah that's not cause he's on his best behaviour - unless best behaviour = not communicating with other women in front of you.

I think he got caught outside and is at the very least flirting with someone else.

Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 14:53

"Just ask him!!'

Yeah cause flirts and cheaters always tell the truth and be up front.

He'll just come up with some bull shit.

Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 14:54
  • caught out
HollowTalk · 17/03/2019 15:06

Another one who'd dump him for "prolly." How old is he?

FriarTuck · 17/03/2019 15:45

Yeah cause flirts and cheaters always tell the truth and be up front
Hmm If you ask someone face to face you have a reasonable chance of being able to tell if they're lying or not. You certainly have more chance of getting the truth than you do asking complete strangers on the internet, most of whom get their kicks from making you feel like crap.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 17/03/2019 15:51

Hmmm it sounds a bit odd

Original poster
WrexhamBuxom · 17/03/2019 16:11

Thanks ladies...I was away for a bit, so I am going to take a little bit to get caught up with everything, but I will reply as I can.

Let me be clear: when I talk about him having power over me...I am not meaning from his perspective. I am not meaning in some sort of toxic way, where I am some subservient woman and he is a domineering man. Not at all. What I meant was internally, within me. I mean being a woman, independent of the relationship, who doesn't rely on a guy for her happiness. Now, I do believe there is a psychological aspect, whether in relationships, or in the work environment, or in competition, that knowing you are in their head "rent free" provides. But for the most part, the power over me I spoke of was internal.

@ellisandra and @swindy No, he is not in France, haha. It's not unusual for him to say random things or call me random names. It's not unusual for me either. We have had full conversations where we are pretending we are other people. In and of itself, him calling me "mademoiselle" wouldn't have been a red flag or off or anything. It's the rest of it that is the red flag. Also, he told me his family took him out for a fancy dinner for his birthday, so that could explain his formal mood/words, whether it was to me or someone else.

@WaitedforGodot Nope, not really any other reasons for suspicions at all. Other than the fact that like I said before, I expect the worst in everything.

Here is an example: one time, he and I were talking about inner beauty and outer beauty and ugliness and so on and so forth. He told me "You are the sweetest person I know, and you could never, ever be ugly to me." and my immediate response was, "But, you didn't say anything about whether I am ugly on the outside to you. And you didn't call me beautiful. So, what's that say?" Yeah, that was not a good fight. The point is, he said something very nice, and I sort of....ran with what I heard in my head.

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 17/03/2019 16:16

I am in the 'sounds suspicious' camp. If he spelt mademoiselle right, but can't spell probably right, or be bothered to, to you. Sounds like he's trying to impress someone. Still, they won't be very impressed when he starts saying prolly!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/03/2019 16:33

How long have you been together?

Original poster
WrexhamBuxom · 17/03/2019 16:33

@Ellisandra

No, I was not scared to discuss it with him...man i hate to go down a rabbit hole, here, but I will. My reason for not discussing it is twofold. Our biggest complaints/arguments/issues in the past have boiled down to the same thing: my insecurity and overthinking leading to me either accusing or assuming or twisting his words or putting words in his mouth or making big deals out of nothing. Now, the positive is it's been several months since we've had any of these major blowups...it's been a learning curve with each other. But, ultimately, I learned that I needed to stop reading into things, or even if I did, I should just keep it to myself. Or, at least pick my battles. And, he learned that if I do have a freak-out moment or I do make a mountain out of a molehill...that's just me, so he has learned to be more gracious to me in those moments.

That said, in the moment...I was really expecting something to come at the end of that sentence. "But of course, mademoiselle" dot-dot-dot then something else. It's not unusual for him to say random things that make no sense on their own followed by a good night. Such as...."But, as it is, miss" then twenty seconds later "we shall have to leave this for another day." "Be that as it may, my dear." then a minute later..."it is time for me to go to bed." So, my immediate reason for not bringing it up was I thought nothing of it. But, I went and interrupted the flow, so who knows what he would have said next had I not said anything. So, it wasn't really about being scared to bring it up.

Until I started sitting and thinking about it, thinking....would he have said something else and I interrupted? Or was that a mistake text on his part? And just like that, my mind was racing. That's when the picking my battles mindset kicked in.

For those suggesting I just ask him point blank...I will be seeing him in a few days, and I would feel better bringing it up in person, so I can gauge his facial reactions, his voice inflections, things like that. BUT, the problem with that is, sitting on it for a few more days, just gives it a chance to linger and fester and makes it a bigger deal when I do bring it up, because he'll know I've been thinking about it all week. Like others have pointed out, it doesn't do too much good to ask him about it, because, even if he was texting someone else, he will deny deny deny. So, asking him doesn't really accomplish anything, other than when I see him in person, I can get a better sense of his reaction.

OP posts:
BiscuitDrama · 17/03/2019 16:38

I think that it doesn’t sound out of place in the conversation at all.
I’d just keep a vague eye out I think.

f83mx · 17/03/2019 16:40

In convo sounds like he would have followed it up with “but of course madnoiselle .... not as beautiful as you” or summat over two messages but you interrupted it with another text message?

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2019 16:41

If you’re suspicious the relationship is over anyway.

Bobobobobob · 17/03/2019 16:43

I once had a phone that auto corrected the most random words to mademoiselle. Just talk to him and tell him how you felt about the text.

Original poster
WrexhamBuxom · 17/03/2019 16:43

@Grumpelstikskin

Ugh, that's terrible. Did you ever get confirmation or hash it out with him?

@HollowTalk

He is 30.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmateter

11 months.

@Moralitym1n1

By best behavior, I meant that he isn't glued to his phone, that he is present in the moment. Next weekend, we are doing a getaway to a place with no wifi, no cell service, so that will be very exciting. Just 100% focus on each other.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 16:52

hmm If you ask someone face to face you have a reasonable chance of being able to tell if they're lying or not.

No, you don't - some people are quite good liars, sone people are not very good at detecting lying. Also you have more chance if they haven't had time and opportunity to prepare. He has.

There are a thousand examples on here of partners asking for the truth and being lied to, repeatedly.
You certainly have more chance of getting the truth than you do asking complete strangers on the internet, most of whom get their kicks from making you feel like crap.

No you have more chance if getting a realistic interpretation from someone who has no vested interest in lying.

Also I think that's an insult to most Mumsnetters, most want to help people and not see them taken for a fool. I'd say there are very very few posters on here who'd get a kick like that.

RikoBitch · 17/03/2019 17:03

I would not find anything too odd about that text. A conversation could have easily been like this:

Female friend: it was lovely to see you for your birthday. Take care, old man and see you soon.
Him: but of course, Mademoiselle

Or something similar. It sounds rather innocent to me

Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 17:03

By best behavior, I meant that he isn't glued to his phone

I understand what you meant, what I was pointing out is that putting his phone away, never bringing it out and getting into any communication while with you, could also (unfortunately) be v useful in hiding communication he doesn't want you to see or hear.

That mademoiselles comment seems to beat absolutely no relevance to your conversation, and sounds flirtatious - plus you had what you considered a noticeable gap in communication while he realised and then replied; I could of course be wrong but it sounds like he's in communication with another female (and flirtatious communication at that).

Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 17:04
  • bear
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/03/2019 17:15

Given your recent post Moralitym1n1 about his writing style I'd agree that you cut in before he posted the rest - which frustratingly would have probably proved if it was for you or not.

It all seems emotionally taxing for what should really still be the fun/honeymoon period.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/03/2019 17:18

Sorry I mean the OP 🙈

Grumpelstilskin · 17/03/2019 18:48

In my case, the misdirected text very much put a sense of unease and niggling doubts in context. We split up then. He was a massive shyster in other ways too though. I hope in your case it really doesn't mean anything out of order.

Treacletoots · 17/03/2019 19:22

I was going to say that this would be a red flag, very clearly but it seems that head in the sand approach appears to be the way things are going.

You don't twist someone's words, that's what an abusive partner says to make you think you're the one at fault

Ilovelala · 17/03/2019 19:36

I understand your explanation about why you don't want to bring it up with him. I was the same in a previous relationship but looking back it was not a relationship where I could say what I felt and express myself and I was destroying myself to keep him happy.. But anyway if you don't feel like you relate to that you just need to ask him if he meant to send you that message 'I was just reading through our messages and I noticed you wrote .... did you mean to?' I don't find what he wrote suspicious in any way, especially after reading your update about the other ways he has signed off from messages for the night. If you feel there's something to this instinctively then ask. If you are very sure your mind is playing with you see how you feel tomorrow about it and go from there.