How to cope with no sex life

[Anf0313]

I’ve been with my current partner for 2 years and 2 months into the relationship I started suffering with UTIs. I have since had approximately 30 UTIs in the last 2 years and suffer an awful lot of pain in my pelvis due to the constant infections and inflammation. I only ever get an infection after sex... and yes I urinate before and shower and urinate after! I have had various scans and cameras and there is nothing wrong with me internally. Anyway, this constant battle has ruined my sex life and caused my mental health to spiral. I feel so low and defeated as no one seems to know how to help me, therefore I get a UTI every time I have sex. It has destroyed my sex life and makes me feel so guilty. My partner works very long hours and is not the best listener (he admits this) so I often feel very lonely, and almost like I’m not in a relationship anymore. It has made us so distant as he doesn’t seem to want to know me at all. He just turns his back and goes to sleep without speaking to me. He isn’t much of a kisser anyway.
We have decided to stop trying to have sex because it’s always unsuccessful and I cannot keep getting ill, but I get the feeling that my partner is unhappy though he won’t say anything. What do I do? Honestly, I can’t mentally cope with trying to please him yet constantly being ill. Am I being unreasonable by not having sex?

Of course YANBU. He doesn't listen to you or support you and it makes you feel guilty. This is not what a loving partner should do.

Do you use condoms?

I suffered horrifically with UTI's with my ex and it turned out to be an issue with his cleanliness.
FWIW, he doesn't sound like a good match for you anyway but if you do decide to stay with him and try different ways to have sex without getting ill, ask him to shower first.

Could be allergy to condoms or lube, I have had this in the past. Also seek out waterfall manrose supplements.

I get them too, every time, I've tried everything. We please each other without actual sex, though I do miss it.

My doctor gave me the uti drugs initially to take everyday (!) Andnthen onky after sex which in our case wasnt often. So one taken after sex prevented the uti developing.

(Nitrofuratonin. Used to prevent rather than treat)
I also had been refered to have a camera inserted under sedation (!) To check all was well as I also leaked sometimes but that came back clear. My fuzzy memory was that sometimes different shaped urethas can lead to utis or somesuch.

Like pp says you need to ask for prophylactic antibiotics to take after sex.

Have they also sent pre antibiotic (ie before you take them) urine samples to be cultured?

Thats the word! I couldnt remember prophylactic!

I agree with pp, you need to see the doctor and get Nitrofurantoin which prevents you getting a UTI if taken after sex.

I really feel for you. I’d hope your partner would understand that you are trying to get things on an even keel. I hope you can work your way through this. Others have come up with more practical suggestions than I can but I did want to say that I sympathise.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

No, we don’t use condoms as I am very irritated by latex (both down there and on my skin in general).

I probably should have mentioned, I keep getting highly resistant strain of E.coli and as such have only been able to have nitrofurantoin to treat it. Over 2 years, I have gone from needing a 3 day course to clear and infection to needing at least a 7 day course. Even after 7 days, I sometimes need more to get rid of the infection completely (until it rears it’s ugly head again).
My bf doesn’t make me feel guilty, I just do because he is only 24 and he is in a relationship with very little intimacy and no passion due to my constant illness. I often get thrush too due to the frequency of the antibiotics.
I was previously on prophylactic Nitrofurantoin - 50mg following intercourse but it didn’t really help me at all :(. I have been back to the GP and have been given 100mg as a prophylactic instead so hopefully once all the inflammation goes down I will be able to try again. I’m just very apprehensive because for so long, sex has been painful and I’ve not enjoyed it because of that.

I would try with latex free condoms..

It sounds like you have never really cleared the infection in the first place especially if it is a resitant strain.

Before you resume sex again, i would ask your doctor to send another urine sample (when you are more or less symptom free). Then when you know it is totally clear, go to using the prophylactic dose after sex. I have had recurrent UTIS and also dont respond to the shorter treatments.

And use a good prebitotics AND probiotic to combat the thrush regularly (every day). Not the yoghurt type drinks but ones with a high content. And I would also try with using latex free condoms with your partner (I know you say you don't use, but it could be something in your partners sprem causes inflammation, leading to you being more prone to UTIS (could just be it knocks out your ph balance).

Out of interest, you dont have a coil do you? I removed mine and I have only had 1 UTI in the same period I had 5 or so when it was in (took it out after 18 months as I was plagued with thrush and UTIs).

OP have you tried the d-mannose that another poster recommended? My urologist told me that d-mannose is good for ecoli strain infections? ...I think it’s a natural sugar and it attaches itself to the ecoli in your bladder and it gets flushed out when you pee.

Look on their website -it comes in powder and tablet form! No guarantees but it is worth a try :)

Sorry your feeling so miserable with all this.

I don't have any suggestions for the health issues, but it sounds like your relationship is in dire straits. Have either of you suggested breaking up?

Ignore Scott please, OP.
You are battling a constant chronic, painful, and debilitating health condition and I think you need to focus on that before analysing whether your relationship is in "dire straits".

I would push for further investigation into whether the original infection has even been overcome- don't suppose you have private health cover that would cover urology?

Another thing to consider, once you're feeling better of course, is different positions for intercourse- anything that stimulates the urethra (which is annoyingly close to the clitoris) needs to be clean as a whistle and as clear as possible from cross contamination from faeces if ecoli is the bacteria causing the mischief- I'm wondering about doggy style/ from behind as this will reduce the rubbing of that part and fluid transfer from behind. Sorry that be so graphic! The only way I've ever got on top (so to speak) of recurrent utis was to change up the positioning. I hope you feel better soon- it's hell and I feel for you.

Thank you CardinalCat.
I think my relationship is okay for the time being. I don’t think it’s in “dire straits” yet, but I want to try to improve things (mainly how I feel physically and mentally) before it gets to that point.
I don’t have private health care but I am considering further private investigations as I feel that I’m not getting the answers I want/need from my GP and the urologist I saw at my local hospital.
With regards to positioning, I know exactly what you mean. We do doggy mainly because I had thought the same with regards to some positions making it worse/more likely.
I have had some new advice here that I am going to try to implement and will hopefully get some positive results!

There was an article in the guardian recently about women who suffer recurrent Utis. Apparently sometimes the bug can actually be in the bladder wall and you need like a 9 month course of antibiotics. And the NHS don’t diagnose it as their protocols are short term.

Found it:

www.theguardian.com/society/2019/feb/20/in-pain-all-the-time-will-there-ever-be-relief-for-women-with-chronic-life-changing-utis?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other