Advice and support needed, no one to turn too

[TwinkleMerrick]

Ex left over Xmas, he has a serious coke problem and I suspect ptsd as he is ex forces (b4 u judge I didn't know until after I was pg) I tried for the past year to help and support him, I got him free specialised counselling which he went to once! Anyway, He left before he was pushed. I let him see DD (9 months old) in my house as I didn't want him having her alone. Up until a few weeks ago he would make comments asking about what he would have to do to get back together. Easy....get clean and be honest....not so easy for him. Then I get a text saying he no longer loves me and he has met someone new. It's really hurt me, And yes I know I am better off without him.....but it still hurts. Anyway i have blocked him because I just can't cope with all his drama, going back to work after maternity and looking after DD as a lone parent. I have sent him details of a local contact centre as I thought it best to be seen to be cooperative if he takes me to court for access, asked him to send me half the admin fee which he has done but I'm yet to get his paperwork (this was sent to him a week ago with a pre-stamped envelope) I'm dreading the future! What are contact centres like? Will he take me to court and want to see DD alone? Will she be safe? Who will he introduce her to? Will she be happy? It's all in my head and I have no one to talk to, all I get from family and friends is how both myself and DD are better off without him. I know this but it doesn't stop the worry that he has parental rights and may try to take her away from me, put her in danger or affect her mental well being. I'm absolutely terrified! Please, are there any lovely people that have been in a simulated situation? Please don't shout at me and tell me I'm an idiot for having a child with him.....I already do plenty of that myself. Thanks

I've not been in your situation.

I certainly will not judge you.

Keep very clear records and evidence of every thing.

If he has talked about his drug habit by text or email, keep all that.

If you want to, go and see a solicitor.

Wwew you married? Is his name on the birth certificate? I am not sure how much difference that makes anyway.

I am sure you can keep her safe.

Is he paying you any maintenance for her care?

Good luck.

I deleted all the WhatsApp messages in a fit of rage but I have texts and also text that as it he is not fit or stable to look after a child. Also conversations with his dad about his drug addiction.

Not married but name is on birth certificate.

He is massively in debt, I've been thinking about seeing a solicitor and getting him to give up parental rights in return for not paying maintenance. He pays £30 a week atm. I can afford to live without it, especially if it means he is out of our lives forever. But reading online I don't think the courts would allow this

He won't be introducing her to anyone in a contact centre..

If he does apply for unsupervised access you could contest it on account of the drug habit.

The fact that he went to the therapy session once says that he's not only a drug addict, but a drug addict who has no interest or commitment in recovery.

Don't kick yourself.... The important thing is you've been strong, kept him at arm's length and have done the right thing by giving him the option of supervised access.

My feeling is that he won't bother with the contact centre anyway and no professional in their right mind would give a drug addict unsupervised access to your baby girl.

Try not to worry x

Thanks @Closetbeanmuncher he has paid towards the admin fee to apply for the contact centre, but yet to receive his paperwork.

Let's hope he doesn't bother, at least I can say I tried if he takes it to court.

Your daughter needs to have a father who is drug free and mentally fit and who provides consistent parenting. These are things only he can achieve but they are the boundaries you need to put on his relationship with her.

I don’t mean this unkindly but I don’t think you have been doing this. Up until a few weeks ago you were allowing him to see her and now you don’t want to. The only thing that has changed is that he met someone. If that ended I fear you would go back to the old arrangement. This is not tenable nor or your feelings towards him. You need to work this out.

Imo asking a desperate drug addict to give up his parental rights in return for no maintenance is tacky and possibly immoral. I wouldn’t want to explain that to a young person or adult years later.

My advice is that you see a solicitor about the processes for allowing safe access for you daughter. They will ensure that proper safeguards are in place. That you limit your contact with him to arrangements about access with texting to be used only in emergencies about your DD.

Ensure all further communications between you are in writing (email, text msg etc). Then keep a backup copy of those in your cloud account or different device in case he can either access them remotely (if he has your passwords change & strengthen them) and to avoid you destroying records which may help you if this gets nasty.

If you haven't already then change your locks (even if he's given you his keys back). Don't let him back in your home.

Stay calm as you can throughout and take whatever legal help is available if this becomes necessary.