OLD - meeting older men

[Risach]

I know the heading sounds troll-ish, but I promise I'm not a troll (have been here for 16+ years)

I keep seeing threads about OLD, and posters in their 40s complaining that they only get responses from men in their 60s. But what I want to know is which sites these are? I am late 40s and have only ever fancied older men (no point trying to unscramble the possible reasons for this - just take it as it is).

I am amicably divorced with late teenage DC, and don't come across many single males at work. I have no desire to live with anyone . However, I miss sex and cuddles and warmth and 'togetherness'.

What I want to know is how do I meet one? I am a bit demanding in terms of I want them to be well dressed (no jeans or trainers) and to look after themselves and to be clever (not necessarily in qualifications - but verbally quick and sharp). I can do bald/overweight etc, so long as they are lovely, bright and charismatic. Where do I look for such a man? I haven't tried OLD as I am so old-fashioned, but would be prepared to give it a go if someone could point me in the right direction.

Have you looked at any sites at all?

I could suggest a site where you would be literally inundated with offers, but it's mainly a sex website and though you could definitely find people on there willing to go at your pace, it might be a bit much at first...

Thank you for replying, @TemporaryPermanent. I have signed up for several sites, but then just chicken out of doing anything about it because I panic and feel that I'm not up to any of this and that I just want an older man. I am absolutely not one for ONSs (though this is just me - I don't judge anyone else who has them) - I lost my virginity at 21 and have had just two partners in my entire life. Both were LTRs, including XH. I wish I were more adventurous, though I have to be realistic and accept that I love sex, but with someone I consider to be the 'right' person.

That's fine! Did any of the sites look appealing? When dating as opposed to sex, I tend to go for quite niche slow moving sites - I used to be on one purely for graduates of my university. What sort of interests do you have?

Oh, Temporary. I Googled 'online dating for middle aged people' and signed up to loads (not Tindr). For each of them, I went through a whole load of questions about my interests etc. But I just got upset, because there's no accounting for chemistry and I'm old-fashioned. Plus I started worrying about photographs, which I didn't want to put online because I don't have any kind of social media. It's so hard. I just want someone nice and reassuring to cuddle me.

Interests are writing (I'm a writer), classical music, house renovations, playing instruments, singing, art, gardening. I know this makes me sound boring. I would run away from a man who was interested in football, pubs, rock music or anything at all that normal men like. God, I sound like a complete nightmare.

Try any of the OLD sites and there will be older men seeking younger women - although some are looking for 20-30s and not 40s. Be sure and do your due diligence to confirm they are really single - check public records for divorce papers, wife's death certificate, etc. Many are just too old to legally divorce due to financial reasons, but they live separately from their wives and it's hard to tell if they are legally single.

You sound lovely and completely normal!! What are you worried about?

You do need to 'own' your interests and your wishes. Yes you want someone nice and reassuring to cuddle you - but not one that's going to drag you to footie matches or pubs. There are lots of really normal men who are uninterested in football - in fact I've never had a partner who was. You need to be picky - because you are going to be in demand.

I would suggest a national newspaper dating site - if a bit more leftie then Guardian Soulmates, or the Telegraph or whatever. Also perhaps look at Classical Partners which is the Classic FM dating site.

Just meet people for a coffee or to go to a concert - anything you want to do that you wouldn't mind having a companion for. I'm a long time veteran of what used to be called 'lonely hearts ads' and is now OLD. My boring revelation is that the vast majority of people are roughly who they say they are. Obviously they will put their best foot forward in an advert, and will not tell you all the gory details of their past - would you want them to?? But the same would be true if you met them most other ways.

If you don't want to put pictures up on a dating site, then don't. You don't have to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, and that goes triple for online dating.

More.... sorry. Perhaps because I am meeting men for sex at the moment, I think quite a lot about this stuff.

Above all, trust your instincts. As a person who has had long term relationships, your instincts about men are likely to be good. If something seems even slightly odd or off, walk away. If an advert seems angry or challenging, walk away. If they try to push your boundaries in ways you're not comfortable with, walk away. if they insult you, run.

I have had very very good experiences on all sorts of sites but a few less good ones too.

Temoporary.You are such a kind and lovely person. Whatever happens, I will be grateful to you for taking me seriously. I wouldn't have posted to ask for advice, had I not been a bit desperate.

I suppose I am worried because my two (I realise that this is pathetic) relationships were as a result of getting to know people IRL. But in those days, I had a chance to meet potentially suitable people IRL. This was 20 years ago. XH was abusive (to the DC, to to me - though being abusive to the DC is arguably worse) I still just want a cuddle and to feel that I matter.

Please, please stop putting yourself down like this - I hope it's just a conversational tic and not how you really feel? Why on earth is it pathetic to have had 2 relationships? Again, it's normal - the 'how many partners have you had' threads on here show that - vast numbers who've only ever had sex with their first partner. I remember Maleficence, who I don't think posts here any more. She said she met her DH when she was about ?15 and he was 16, something like that. She was getting on for 50 I think. They had only ever had sex with each other. And she was my sex guru, she knew far more than I ever will about sex. I still sometimes search for her posts so that I can learn more.

Men will take you at your own valuation. Consider having some therapy alongside this process.

Ok another thought [am I too invested??]. I see a lot of recommendations on here for www.meetup.com. I wonder if that might feel less pressured and more like meeting people in real life? And even if you find yourself in a group which is rather female dominated, they might know older men...

Personally, I would suggest Guardian Soulmates. You pay for a subscription but my friends met some lovely guys on there. It seems less about hook-ups and more about genuine relationships than other sites. There also appear to be more older people using it.

Thanks, both. One of my very loveliest friends IRL met her partner on Guardian Soulmates. However, she is far less flappy and more sensible than I am.

I will look up that link, Temporary. Thank you. And thank you for your kind comments. I am sure you are right. It's just that I have looked at other MN threads, and they are full of people who have shagged so many men that they have lost count. Which is great if that's what works for them - but it makes me feel hopeless.

Go on POF and have a browse. You don't have to commit. It's free and you can block users and delete your account easily.

When I left my husband, I left him for a toyboy, he was 14 years younger than me, I was 44, he was 30. I'd lost loads of weight the last year I was married, I had been so miserable, I had a big win at online bingo & decided to give myself a makeover, new hairstyle & colour, had my nails done & went out & bought a shedload of new clothes. A mum at school was talking about POF & just messing around I did a profile & put a picture of me all dressed up in my new clothes. I started getting messages from loads of much younger gorgeous men. One person kept on messaging me telling me how gorgeous I was & it did loads for my confidence, I made plans to end my marriage & started my escape plan. He wanted to meet me & one day I skived off work to meet him, we went out for the day & it was like getting hit by a bus, we talked & laughed all day, it was like we had always known each other. That night I knew it was make or break, either I stayed in my miserable marriage or I changed things. The next day I left my husband, packed mine & my son's bags & left. We stayed in a Travelodge for the rest of the week & then moved back to my parents. The man I had met saw me when I could get out & we fell in love. Within a couple of weeks he had met my son & we lived half the week with him in a one bedroom flat & the rest with my parents. We were together nearly 5 years & while it wasn't perfect we loved each other, he moved to where I lived when I got a house, he cared for me when I was seriously ill, he loved my son, I met his children & we became a family. He was the love of my life. Sadly he passed away four years ago, I miss him desperately but he gave me back my self confidence & taught me to love myself again.

@Nat - what an inspiring and beautiful experience you had by meeting each other. I’m so very sorry he passed away. I hope to experience even a fraction of that love and depth.

OP - try Guardian Soulmates. I’m early 40s and was bombarded by much older men. I tried Bumble for a few months and have given up on OLD as it didn’t work for me.

Another vote for Guardians Soulmates. I have a few friends who have met their partners on it, including me.

Thanks for the Guardian Soulmates recommendations. I am not in the slightest bit lefty, but perhaps that doesn't matter?

Nat, I'm so sorry you lost your partner. You were lucky to have had him, but what a shame it wasn't for longer.

I will look at POF too. Gulp.

If you're not at all lefty it's a slight handicap on Guardian Soulmates I think.

I'll say Classical Partners again.