Stupid me...

[LMBoston]

Hi all,
Been hanging around the site for a long time now (not a mum, as you will soon understand); the advice you give is fantastic and I could do with a bit right now myself. Actually, I know what the advice will probably be but I suppose I need the support more than anything!
Long story short, met a man three years ago OLD. He was unlike anyone I’d met before — such a life he’d led, witty, outrageous, charming. It moved on very quickly and he moved into my house after about 6 months.
He had always lived “under the radar”. When he moved in I insisted everything was done properly, council tax etc. He agreed. And then the debt collection letters, fines, unpaid tax etc started coming. This was his past catching up with him, he said...so I paid them all off (I don’t earn a lot but bailiffs scare the hell out of me). He did pay me back, although it took a while.
Things were ok, but we rowed occasionally about money and personal matters (he was totally estranged from his family, whereas I’m very close to mine). His default response was to disappear on a bender then reappear full of apologies.
...and then I got pregnant at the age of 43, after years of thinking I couldn’t have kids. I knew immediately this wasn’t right for me. We discussed it and he admitted to being unreliable and self-destructive (addictions etc) and I made the heartbreaking decision (for both of us — he wanted us to have a child) to have a termination. It went wrong, I had to go into hospital...it was horrific.
Fast-forward six months, and I finally snapped and asked him to leave. He did. But since then, it has been a catalogue of drama and stress. I have bailed him out financially to the tune of 2.5k, some from my savings and a loan for the rest. He has paid me bits, but then the next day calls in “desperation” asking for it back. Like a fool, I give it to him.
I have told him several times that it stops here, I don’t think we should be friends any more because I am at the end of my tether, emotionally and financially. He is extremely persuasive and knows exactly what buttons to press. I am sick with anxiety every time my phone goes or there’s a knock at the door (we got a dog while we were a couple, which has tied us together somewhat). So I have sent him an email detailing what he owes and that I don’t want him to contact me or come round any more...this has not been taken well, as you can imagine.
To be honest, he scares me. Not physically — violence is definitely not one of his faults — but his unpredictability, financial demands and inability to talk reasonably puts me on the back foot every time. I don’t really care about getting the money back (have pared my living expenses to the bone so I can just about cover the debt, although I think he will pay me back eventually), I just want some peace.
Any wise words of support would be gratefully appreciated! My family and friends are pretty much unaware of how bad things are — they would go beserk if they knew all the gory details and the amount of money involved. I feel so stupid that I let it get to this point. If anyone else has been in this boat, I’d love to hear how you got out of it.

With thanks in advance x

How much have you leant him? He sounds like a massive liar and conman.

I'm not really sure how a dog ties you together op, it's not a child??

Block his number and write the money off, of he comes to the door don't answer it, and mark the email as spam.

Job done.

Change your phone numbers and your email address and tell someone you trust the details of what has happened. They can then support you. Your friends and family won't judge you - they'll want to help you. Please don't be embarrassed to ask them for support.

Tell him you want no contact and that if he doesn't respect your wishes you'll tell the police he's harassing you. You have to mean it. And do it.

Block his number. Write the money off. Your mental health will thank you for it.

He sounds like a classic sociopath and master manipulator. I bet you are not the first he’s done this to and you won’t be the last. The best thing you can do is mentally write the money off (be honest, you are unlikely to get it all back anyway) and block him on everything you can.

Don’t feel bad about the dog. He doesn’t need to see the dog so long as the dog has you.

I am fairly tight when it comes to money, not mean but I believe people should pay what they owe, but in your case I would write the losses off & cut contact. There is no upside for you in keeping in touch. He is stressing you out, is unlikely to pay you back, is more likely to want to borrow again.
I suspect you are probably one in a long of women he has leeched off.
Block & move on with your life.

Thank you all — I know this is the best course. I’ve already written off the money; have cut every penny of needless expenditure (sky, various subscriptions etc) so I can pay back the debt myself. Tbh it feels like fair punishment for being so weak :(

@wowfudge, embarrassment is exactly what I feel when it comes to telling people. Those close to me welcomed him into our family but were always rather wary of him. My SIL (best friend) knows it all. She thinks he’s a psychopath, for want of a better word.

@ellenborough and @lordamighty, I know very little about his past relationships. He never told me about any serious ones (unmarried and no kids was about all I knew really). But I am aware he has treated “friends” like this, so probably women too. Master manipulator is bang on the money.

I watched Dirty John on Netflix recently and it hit me hard. You wonder how intelligent, independent women can fall for such brazen lies, the suicide threats, the addictions and the emotional blackmail...but it happens. You just don’t think that you would let it happen to you...but it did. Massive lesson learned. Now I just need to be strong and stick to my guns.

Thanks again.

we got a dog while we were a couple, which has tied us together somewhat

You mean he uses the dog as a tool to stay in contact with you when it suits him, in order to manipulate and use you.

The dog's better off without him, just like you.

Oh, you are spot on. He says he misses the dog, never had a pet before and says it makes his day to see him...but I paid for him, trained him, I cover all the vet bills, insurance etc. When I told him it was my dog, I got a right gobful. He has definitely been using this as a means to retain contact and control.
bangs head against wall

Jesus Christ he doesn't have access rights it's a pet not a child...

Cut all contact, its the only way forward. Fuck him and "making his day"

What a parasite

Don't beat yourself up over it. You trusted someone and no reason not you. How could you have known he was loaded wkth debt. He was dishonest and you were trusting. Cut him off and move on.

Don't feel silly. That you trusted him is a testament to you wanting to see the best in people. I was the same with my xh, couldn't see he was a nasty little man who just wanted me for what he could get. He even tried to get money from my (not dead) parents in our divorce. That's because he's a crap person, not me.

Cut him dead, get some domestic abuse counselling. You deserve to feel better about yourself and life. There's definitely life after a man like that.

Block, or at the very least radically minimise, contact firstly and then have a really good think about how you can strengthen your boundaries. Doing the Freedom Programme is probably a good start, it teaches about different kinds of abuse, how to spot manipulation and how to protect yourself and make better choices in the future.

It's definitely time to cut your losses though, you haven't been stupid and you've nothing to feel bad about but your eyes are open now and you'd be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't call time on his bullshit at this point. It's what we learn and take forward from bad relationships that matters, put this one down to experience and move on properly

The dog is yours, don’t accept emotional manipulation. If need be, give it to SIL for awhile and tell him honestly that you couldn’t afford him/her due to the wracked up debts he has caused you. Done, no more manipulations. Get the dog back once he is gone for good.

Tell him in text and email, outside of paying you back money you do not want to hear from him. Further contact you will contact police. If he says he’s going to commit suicide, call the police/ambulance.

Do not accept any further BS from him.

He is using you. He is a user who uses. Just say no!

Just tell him the dog has gone to a friends for a while! Therefore no need to call. You want to get maximum space between you and this guy.

Hopefully you've changed all ur locks OP? Not just taken your keys back - as he may have taken copies.

I hope you manage to get rid of him and his negative influences on your life soon - no doubt he'll take himself off and do the same again with someone else once he realises he's getting absolutely nowhere with you.

I’m so grateful for all your replies x @sixdot, how long did it take before you felt you were free? I honestly feel at the minute that I will never escape this man. It sounds awful but sometimes I wish he would bloody kill himself because that’s the only way I feel this will stop.

He is nigh-on homeless since he left here, which doesn’t help (not long after we split, I came back for lunch and found him in my bed with a can of beer...locks changed!). I do feel sympathy for him, no family etc, but I am not the person to save him, I know that.

@hidingtonothing - yes, I definitely need to do some work on my boundaries and learn to heed the gut instinct that screams red flag. I saw the flags, but by the time I recognised them for what they were, i was too far in to extricate myself. And then I got pregnant :(

I actually am casually seeing a lovely man, started as a friend, then a FWB, and although it’s slow-burning we care about each other a lot. He is aware of the situation and is very supportive; he says the same as you all do — write off the money so you own the situation and take back control.

Honestly, I am agog at how daft I am!

"I am actually seeing a lovely man"

Please don't take this the wrong way but please don't move this one In after 6 months....I'm sure the first one seemed "lovely" In the beginning too.

Haha, I most certainly will not Love living on my own and will not give up my freedom lightly for anyone (no matter how lovely) in the future!

I know exactly what you mean, as im of the same mindset @LMBoston. Amen to freedom! 😀

It's taken time. When he asked for a divorce the abuse had landed me in Psychiatric hospital and I had a huge amount of treatment and support. I met a lovely man who is very gentle and patient, more than anything his love, challenging and blind devotion has helped me.

I'll be honest, I'm only now at a stage where I think about it all and I don't feel much. He's been very difficult about the consent order for the divorce so we're nearly two years down the line, but now it's all done bar selling the house. I do feel like I'm 100% free of him now, and most of the terrified behaviour he'd instilled in me. It's been hard but so worth it.

My life has got immeasurably better in the last two years. I deeply encourage you to get the support that is available and that you absolutely deserve to get away from him. If I can do it you can.

Don't feel sorry for him being homeless. There are ways out of homelessness. I've been there done it but it requires you to be responsible for your mess and work hard to unpick it. If he won't do what he needs to for himself he'll never do anything for you.

Head up high and be proactive. If you put in the effort others will double it to help you but you have to ask!

Thank you, @sixdot — I’m pleased you feel better and have been able to move on. It makes me so angry and sad that so many of the problems are of his own making. Drugs, gambling etc. His life has spiralled out of control (AGAIN) and I can’t shift that nagging feeling that I should be there to pick up the pieces like I was while we were together.

After reading all your replies, I wrote an email detailing exactly what he owes me but stating that I’d rather have my sanity than keep chasing him for his debts. I also asked him not to contact me and told him that he couldn’t come here to see the dog any more because it always ends in pleas for help (usually money) and leaves me shaking. He said I was unbelievably cruel, and the dog is the only thing keeping him going. I tried to compromise and suggested he come to my work to see him (the dog works with me and there’s always lots of people around)...I got simply NO as a response. So I guess that explains a lot.

This has been going on since August and I’m hoping this is the last gasp. He can be very vindictive (a complete bitch, really) if things don’t go his way. Almost childlike. So hopefully, like a child, he’ll eventually give up once he’s getting nothing from me and will move on with his life. How sad that it turned out like this.

So the thing that I was dreading — and the ex assured me wouldn’t happen — has just happened. Fucking bailiff at my house. Luckily I had copies of council tax bills and the email I sent last week, which he took as proof that I live alone. I told him ex was of no fixed abode, but I gave him the phone number...now I’m terrified I’ll get a knock on my door from the ex furious I’ve given his contact number out.
His post still comes here and I was passing it on to him — now I don’t know what to do with it. If I return to sender, that means he won’t see it and can’t sort it...which might mean more knocks on the door :( but I don’t want this at MY house! My credit rating is excellent due to years of scrimping and living within my means, I’ve never had to deal with this shit before.
I don’t even know whether to contact him and tell him they’ve been round. I don’t know what to do for the best.

Re his post: can you get a stamp/write on each letter "return to sender. No longer at this address"?

Can you install something like a Ring doorbell so you can automatically be alerted on who turns up at your door? I understand you can see, from your mobile phone, who is there and you can talk to them remotely or safely behind your locked door. I know you've already changed your locks.

Are you able to check with the credit agencies (eg Experian) to see whether he's taken out any loans out in your name/address?