Hi all, I am writing this mainly to get my thoughts down, but would appreciate your comments, as well.
I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years, dated 5 before that. Both of us are from avoidant families, so our models for marriage did not include communication, easy affection, effective cooperation, or a sense of mutual enterprise. They did model a lot of emotional shutting off, and in the case of mine at least, piles and piles of recrimination and resentment.
In the beginning, this did not matter so much as we were young, sexy professionals flush with money. Just having so much fun papered over the fact that we really didn't deeply understand each otherour vision for the future, fears, anxieties, etc. But we were comfortable with each other, mainly. My marriage looked great on the surfacehandsome, polite, intelligent husband (lots of women lined up ready to take him off my hands), nice house, good jobs, etc. And I did love him. But if you'd asked me what I wanted from marriage beyond the Disney tableau, I would have been flummoxed.
Now we're not so young (late 40s) and the paint on the tableau is wearing awful thin, so to speak. We moved from my country to my husband's 8 years ago. I stopped working outside the home because it was tough for me to find work as a foreigner in the new country, my children were young and I wanted to make sure they got off on a better footing (feeling safe, loved and free) than I had, but also, I realize in retrospect, because I was depressed from the collapse of the fiction that had been my family of origin (another story), and dissatisfaction with my marriage. In a new country with no friends I was terribly lonely and still heartbroken about my family. I was no fun, I guess. My husband started right off going out late nights with his friends and leaving me at home, which of course just made me lonelier, more heartbroken and angry, as well. When I showed my feelings he accused me of not wanting him to see his friends. I made unsuccessful attempts to get him to spend more time with mescheduling date nights, etc but he remained distant, as if he wanted to limit how much I demanded and "took" from him. Who knows what that was about? Not I! We never had a proper conversation about our feelings. Maybe he was resentful because I wasn't earning and he hated his job, on which we depended.
Anyway, after about a year he lost his job, in no small part I suspect because of his churlish mood (never an outburst, just a granite coldness). He decided to start his own business. It was hard going, but everything in this country is hard going, and he was so much happier and more pleasant to be around that I was patient. I dragged myself back into the workforce bit by bit to supplement our income and finally landed where I am today -- in a job that pays decently, but not enough to support us by itself. In the interim, we maxed out the cards, sold our house and used the proceeds to support us and the business, racked up huge tax debts, all in hope that his business would pay off big enough to wipe all that away. After all, he's intelligent, diligent, handsome, charming (when not churlish) and does quality work. He had tonnes of potential. But we never discussed how far we were willing to mortgage our future to his dream. I certainly didn't want to press him to go back to working a 9-5. I still really loved him. I admired and had faith in him. I cared about his happiness, and I did not want him to go back to the way he'd been before when he'd had a job.
It always seemed like the big break was just around the corner, but it never came and it was taking a toll. He started being away all the time again. We were both unhappy and closed off. He was traveling a lot for work. I suggested that I accompany him on a trip and he seemed resistant. Why? I was baffled. I suspected he was having an affair. I thought I smelled another woman on him. I check his texts and found he was carrying on flirtatious conversations (not x rated) with three women, including one he'd encouraged to come join him on the trip he'd not wanted me on!
We patched things up after that but some of the burnish had rubbed off, and really we had just agreed to let that be bygone, without really digging down into what the issues were. We tried to be closer and things did get better--plenty of pleasant moments, and even joys, but it didn't last. Eventually his business became like an abusive relationship itself and I was dragged along into it. As our worries about money grew, every bid, every proposal became an all consuming quest, every submission a hail Mary pass, every rejection a devastating blow. Rinse, repeat, over and over.
Soon I was on tenterhooks. I was worried all the time about his emotions and reacting to his every change in mood with a kind of panic. He was throwing everything into his work as if from desperation. I was worried he'd have a heart attack. And I was terribly resentful of all he was giving to his work at my expense and the children's. When I brought it up, he said "you guys have no idea how hard I work for this family."
I felt like throwing yourself bodily against a brick wall might be some kind of work, but the payoff's not worth the broken bones. Why was this the tack he was taking? I felt that our avoidance and our lack of insight into our emotions and our dynamic was undermining our ability to cope with the challenges of life, to make healthy choices. We'd never even really had a fight. Even after the texting. We were just waging this long, silent, cold war while desperately hoping things would get better.
I took us to counseling. It became clear that although I'd done a lot of work to discover just how messed up my family of origin had been, he had never faced up to the effects of his. After a few sessions the therapist suggested he go to solo counseling. He said he'd look into it. Then he said he couldn't afford it. I think it's a matter of priority. He's taken out loans to pay his employees while waiting for a contract to pay off, but pays himself near nothing. I work to support us and do most (90%) of the household and kid's stuff and he works himself to death so he can pay other people to support their families. We are depleted, but he saves face. Today I find myself without a penny two weeks after my paycheck comes in. Literally. Today the dogs are going hungry because I can't get dog food. I'm praying tomorrow we don't run out of cooking gas. I'm deeply resentful.
It's been almost 7 years and we're not young anymore and it's clear to me now that the business will never succeed to a point to make us whole--financially or emotionally. I'm terrified about our future and that of our kids. I feel like I'm watching our life crumble inexorably. I see us poor, humiliated and miserable in old age. I asked him what his drop dead date is, he said he doesn't have one. He said he's going to keep going until the last glimmer of hope is gone. I realize now that pouring his soul into his business has made him terribly selfish, like he's sold it to the devil and has got none left for compassion for us.
I love my husband so much (this rant has not covered his qualities), but I struggle to find the joy. Things got better after counseling, but I'm still always expending enormous energy to manage my resentment, my worry and my ambivalence. It's hard for me to let go so I can just appreciate our time together, and I think that makes me cold and makes him feel wretched. Maybe that just makes him turn to work and the hope it represents, like an addicted gambler. When he's home he's always on the phone or computer working. He falls asleep on the couch, usually only comes to bed at 2am long after I fall asleep. We still have sex but I've stopped holding any expectations of it at all, and the frequency and connection of have fallen off. Everybody says he looks run down. I don't have any faith that we have the heart and energy left to make a plan to get out of this rut and really stick to it.
What I'm wondering now is whether we shouldn't just take a break from living with each other. I feel like I've been enabling an addiction he has to a very unhealthy relationship with work and ambition. I'm thinking that if we just take time off to take care each of ourself (and each half time on the kids) we'll at least be shedding the daily burden of our relationship frictions. Without the prop of my money and labor he'll have to face up to time and money suck his job has become and realize how much it's taken out of him. Maybe we can date and enjoy each other's company again--who knows? At least, I'll be able to stop expending all this energy on the relationship and focus on paying off my debts, building a career and avoiding poverty in old age.