What sort of things would make you walk away from a friendship?

[DishingOutDone]

I was just thinking I've not contacted half a dozen friends for a while for specific reasons - some made racist remarks too many times (even one is enough for me but you know, give them the benefit of the doubt). Or with a couple of others they've made so many excuses not to see me and won't even respond to messages - like a friend who said her dad was ill so she couldn't see me for months which is really odd as surely she must have realised pictures of her out at parties, theatre and restaurants with other friends from our group were all over facebook?!

Other example - a friend constantly cancelled at short notice, maybe within 30 minutes of meeting, and then an hour later posted pictures of her with another friend having lunch - this would happen maybe 3 out of every 4 times we arranged to meet. Final example I confided in a friend I was worried about my weight and then later that day she began constantly making really near the knuckle fat jokes - we'd been friends 20 years and she never mentioned it before - and she continued it - as if my confiding in her had somehow set the tone IFYSWIM.

I'm worried about how all this happened to me with six people over the past 3 years; should I be looking to something I am lacking, or would you sack off people like that too? I do have some nice friends and these things aren't issues with them at all! I wonder if it was because I had two bereavements over that period and I have go into a "take no shit" mindset. Am I just being intolerant or have I finally got some self respect?

Hi OP. Given your examples, I think I’d probably walk away too.

I’m going through a similar situation re ‘friends’. I’ve also had two very close bereavements in the past 5 years (mum/sister) and realised who supported me and who didn’t. I am trying to make new friends, and trying to choose more carefully than I have done before. I’ve distanced myself from ‘friends’ now, and have low (or no) expectations of them.

I too question myself, am I not a good friend? Am I not enough? And I don’t really know the answer, I just have to keep plugging away. I’m probably a lot older than you too, that doesn’t help.

I think as we get older we don’t have time for friends who make us feel a bit shit, life gets busy, things change. It isn’t a reflection on you - I would have sacked them off too.

I would definitely sack them off for the reasons you've given.

There's nothing wrong with a take no shit mindset at all, who has time for it really??

"it" being bullshit, drama, flakiness and spite.

I've gone into take no shit mode as I've got older too. I wouldn't worry about it it's natural and you say you have other wonderful friends. As long as it's not got to the point of first strike and you're out I think it's fine. If people repeatedly piss you off time and again I think it's fair enough to call time on the friendship!
I've only ever actively stopped two friendships when people were really rude to me... but theres a few I just stopped putting the effort in with and so tapered off..... you dont owe anyone friendship, it should be a mutually enjoyable and beneficial thing, and if it isnt then it is not a friendship that merits your concern.

I'm really touched by the responses thank you all! Although I wonder if I'd posted in AIBU, would I be having my arse handed to me on a plate?!

But anyway, thank you everyone. I agree with what you have all said, that's exactly it. Oh and having mentioned age, I am mid 50s; I definitely reckon at this age you get to know who your friends are.

I'd get rid for those reasons! In the last couple of years I've let two friendships go- one who was the nicest person in the world when I had a well paid job and was generous but started with insults and "jokes" about my looks etc when I didn't have money any more, and one who thought I was going to be her babysitter/dogsitter/ dogsbody forever and was very surprised when I said no.

I'd get rid for those reasons too- in fact I have, for one of them. A friend who was always cancelling at the last minute and/or using me for various purposes.

I recently ditched a friend for constant low-level bitchiness towards me (the kind where if she was directly accused of it, would open her eyes wide in faux innocence and claim she was 'only messing').

And when my dad died a couple of years ago I ditched a couple who were conspicuous in their absence support-wise, even though I had been there for them consistently during their own troubles previously.

I do think it's an age thing- I turned 50 recently and have had enough of fakeness. I give and expect total loyalty in my friendships and won't settle for less. All this means is I have a core group of excellent friends whom I know would drop anything if I needed them. And they know the same of me too.

Late fifties here OP..so I get where you’re coming from

My best (male) friend has suddenly ghosted me for no obvious reason. I never thought he'd do this and we'd been friends for 8 years. I've tried messaging quite a few times but he's not even reading my messages let alone replying.

I guess unless I get a huge apology and some kind of explanation, that will end the friendship. Although it's kind of out of my hands. Normally though, it would be the person doing something awful or relentlessly slagging off every other friend when with me, or something super cruel like that.

I would probably count the things you've mentioned as super cruel. And yeah I guess I would end friendships over those things.
It hurts, doesn't it?

I don't make a decision to let friends go often (usually there's been more of a gentle drifting apart because we didn't live close by anymore). But some reasons have been:

• Selfishness (sneering at me when I admitted to mental health issues and telling me that they weren't "real" because only she knew what it was like to have poor mental health).
• Cruelty (e.g. repeatedly being vile another friend over his financial circumstances, culminating in humiliating him in public when he asked to pay only for what he'd ordered in an expensive restaurant, in circumstances where he'd ordered a starter and tap water because it was all he could afford and everyone else had had three courses and a lot of wine. Smug rich ex-friend hadn't even earned her money as she lived in one of her parents' properties and they'd got her her job, so she was a hypocrite and oblivious to her own privilege too).
• Anger management issues. I'm too old to walk on eggshells these days so I'll end a friendship if I'm consistently hiding my opinions on trivial stuff to avoid a blow-up.

Your ex-friends sound pretty horrible, OP. Are you maybe just a bit too forgiving and keen to see people's good side? I picked up a fair few emotional vampires in my twenties because I believed that everyone was lovely deep down!

I stopped seeing/talking to someone for continually making me feel bad for not being able to do stuff all the time.

I had a small baby and she wanted things to carry on as normal (going to their house every week, staying up really late and going out) despite knowing what it's like as she had two kids herself. Difference was, as she said herself, she had her kids young and wanted to go out and get drunk and do things, and me being 7-8 years older and a new mum did not want to do that at the time. When I couldn't go out all the time, or didn't want to go round their house for drinks/takeaway because:reflux newborn she would get pissed off and post guilt inducing things to her instagram account. I had pnd and I couldn't cope with it anymore.

Frozen that sounds awful but you know I have seen similar accounts so many times on Mumsnet I think giving birth, getting into family life etc is another time when you know who your friends are .

One of my two friends who died always said to me "never let a little slight destroy a great friendship" - she didn't come up with that its an old saying, but I suppose I could always hear her words when I was putting up with people constantly letting me down or being - well - mean for want of a better word. I'd tell her someone had done something outrageous, what should I do etc., and she'd always say well have a think if you would benefit from keeping that friendship and then weigh it up.

But in the case of the 6 people I've mentioned, I heard those wise words and ten thought nah, sod them.

Life's too short to keep people in it just because. Plus, you can have good friends at different stages of your life - things change and you need different things. If they were actually good friends they'd be adapting with you. If they're not you've got to leave them behind.

Life is too short, as PP have said, to spend with people who just aren't very nice/giving you what you would like from the friendship. As I get older, I have deliberately drifted from shit people e.g. the one who basically got too busy to contact me except when she needed financial advice - when my dad was really ill, I heard nothing from her.

OP I think we just get to know ourselves better...the stuff we maybe tolerated when we were younger we can't tolerate now....and thats ok.I value friendships but not at any cost...stay true to yourself.You just don;t need the drama.