6 months pregnant and he went to a girls apartment but denies cheating

[N489]

Hi All,

It is with a heavy heart that I post this for your advice.
My partner and I have had a very tough year together (14 months).
We have the best time together, but when we clash we clash hard.
I have posted a previous post regarding his problems.

I am over 6 months pregnant. We have just moved into a house together in time for the baby. We have been going through a tough patch. And tough patches usually mean excessive drinking.

TUESDAY
He had a staff party to which he spent some time chatting to a girl who began working in December so they have known each other for 3 months but spoke properly this week. He had promised to come home early and not get drunk as I am 6 months pregnant and have work the next day. He did not comply with his promise and stayed out at the staff party so we had a fight when he got in.

WEDNESDAY
He is hungover and finishes work but decides to go to this girls apartment instead of coming home straight away. He has closer friends near his work than this random girl that he has only just spoken to for the first time recently. However he says she messaged him to see if he was ok and he asked to go round to talk. I confronted him and this was what he had to say:

He says he was only there for half an hour then decided he should be at home with me. I had previously found her information online, checked his phone and he had called her at 4:26pm then he had messaged me to tell me he wanted to come home at 5:37pm and that he wanted to discuss things between us. That is over an hour. Not half an hour. He says he was already on his way at 5:37pm and was not when he left. He said they spoke about the work party and partially about his problems at home with me but it came across that that was not the purpose of his visit. It seemed like he was more interested in talking about the party and just generally hanging out with her rather than seeking comfort and advice for our troubled relationship. He denies having sex with her. He denies kissing her. He said he hugged her when they greeted each other. He says she is very good looking but isn't attracted to her and they do not see each other in that way. However he has no evidence of their chat as he deleted it off his phone which seems dodgy to me. He also told me he didn't have her number and didn't call her. Not realising I had her number and asked him to show me his call log to which I found out he called her at 4:26pm. Then he said he doesn't remember doing it and that he was hungover and his head was all over the place.

I genuinely don't understand why he would choose to:

1. Go to a girls apartment who he barely knows
2. Who is very attractive
3. Instead of being at home to sort things out with me
4. For the sake of the baby
5. When he also knows plenty of other friends who he is closer to but chose her
6. Delete his messages off his phone
7. Deny he had her number
8. Deny he called her

When he got home, we had a huge fight because I had written him a letter and he didn't even bother to read it all, or fight for both baby and I. I mentioned me going to stay with a friend and he tried rushing me our and when I didn't. He cried and left. He said he wanted to get as drunk as possible and went to see his friend to watch football then go to a club. He ended up so drunk that he woke up in a taxi with his mate. Got out. Was lost. Followed tram tracks for an hour until he found home. I had come home from a friends as she was not comfortable with me heavily pregnant in an unfamiliar home. I had messaged and rang all night to see where he was but he ignored all my attempts. He was ecstatic when he realised I was home and distraught. However it turned into another sour argument.

THURSDAY
He was painfully hungover and I didn't go to work as I had not slept. Thursday turned into another big argument. By the end of the night we had written an action plan on how to achieve a better relationship (although he was not exactly cooperative) all the while I had no idea he had been to this girls for "half an hour after work". I thought we were gaining progress but my gut told me something else which is why I pursued this feeling and discovered the above.

FRIDAY
Upon confrontation of which he explained the above about the girl (which lasted 4 hours last night), it again turned sour. And led to him ending things, then saying he can fix it, to ending it again etc. Me throwing clothes. Him trying to storm out. Me going for a walk in the rain in my pyjamas at 5am and when I said I didn't want him to see our son, his reaction was 'whatever'. He blames the longevity of the argument, tiredness and burning eyes and was adamant not to talk to me until tomorrow which I admittedly didn't not like and gave him grief about.

It is now the morning. I have had 4 hours sleep and a very active baby kicking me. I don't know what to do. We were meant to have a great day today at a baby show, meet a couple friends who are also pregnant and cook a roast dinner. Now I feel like I don't even want to exist anymore. I don't even know if he is still in the house. But he has changed his passwords so I can no longer see what he is up to.

Is this relationship unsalvageable?
We have had problems for 14 months.
Did he cheat on me?
What is best for baby and me?
What do I do?

It seems you know exact times of events he was with this girl and because his recollection is a little more vague - you don’t believe him .
I don’t think most men would know precisely what time they do anything tbh.
It feels like he is avoiding you as it’s too much confrontation and he knows that coming home is just gonna be another argument - and with a hangover he will want to avoid that .

If I were in your situation I would want some time out from this relationship to focus On my own well-being and the baby .

I know hormones run wild when you’re pregnant but your post makes you sound rather controlling of your boyfriend and this will just keep pushing him away .
Maybe some time apart will allow you both the space to decide what you really want in the future.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Do you really want your child to grow up witnessing this?

Get rid.

You’ve given us just a snapshot of your relationship but it sounds toxic. Basing it on what you’ve said he doesn’t sound very considerate of his pregnant partner, he drinks too much and isn’t respectful of you.

To answer your questions
Salvageable- you can continue but it probably won’t make you happy long term
Cheating - who knows? But you obviously don’t trust him to ask
Best for baby and you - not constant drama of a volatile relationship
What to do - only you can answer that.

Take care x

Oh dear, you poor thing. I didn’t want to read and run but reach out and send you these
It sounds like you both need some space to think, clear your thoughts and decide if you both truly want to be together.
If you both decide you do, then I’d suggest some counselling ASAP and to set boundaries and expectations with each other. Based on kindness, love, trust and compassion.

Setting aside whether or not he cheated, this just sounds like a toxic relationship with someone who may have a drinking problem. Is that the life you want?

You sound very controlling tbh with demanding when he can and can't drink. It's not good that he drinks but at 6 months pregnant you're far from heavily pregnant. I only asked my DP to not get drunk in the last 4 weeks before I was due and baby was 3 weeks early. Point is, you're unlikely to need him desperately at this point, assuming you want him at the birth. You checking his phone so much is awful and you clearly don't trust him at all. This clearly isn't working, and I hope for the sake of your baby you can split and co parent successfully. If you cannot trust him, it cannot work. I also hate this whole 'fight for me and the baby' attitude. He shouldn't have to fight for you. It should be a relationship you both want and commit to, not having to prove something by 'fighting' for it.

Hi I'm sorry for what your going through as being pregnant is hard
But you haven't been together long in your OP you say 14 months and problems for a year then a post further down its problems 14 months so right from the start
. you then got pregnant quite early in to the relationship and were already having problems
No judgement these things happen and you have to deal with them
This will undoubtedly have put extra pressure on a couple still trying to find out about each other
You sound very young and both struggling to come to terms with the huge changes happening
But to answer your question is your relationship unsalvageable I would say not without some outside help and both of you wanting it too
you have to consider if it's like this now when the baby comes along it's not going to get any easier and if his answer is to drink and chat to other women do you want your child to be brought up in this environment or do you want to cut your losses now and co-parent separately but as amicably as you can

What exactly are you fighting for her? The prize of a shit relationship with someone who has almost certainly been cheating?

I agree with the PP - you are acting like this guy is a prize. He's a liability and you will be much, much better off without him.

Was this a planned pregnancy?. You both seem trapped and unhappy and in honesty you are coming across as controlling, demanding and a bit needy and he's feeling pressured into explaining his every move.

Please leave and start afresh with your little baby. Imagine a small child witnessing everything you just described.

It sounds like he wants it to end so has licence to go off with this other girl.

This relationship has run its course. Have you only been together 14 months, or is it longer and just 14 months you’ve been having problems?

If you've only been together 14months and over that time you've already had problems then this is never going to work, a couple who had a happy relationship and then have problems could recover, but you didn't even have a happy relationship to start with. You both sound immature and I feel sorry a baby will be born into this mess. Your best hope is to split up amicably and maintain a stable home for your child

You're the only one invested in this relationship op..you are trying desperately to force a square peg into a round hole and 'fix' things while he is out getting blind drunk and persuing other women.

This is not a suitable atmosphere in which to raise a child; the relationship between you is too volatile, and I also don't like the sound of his relationship with alcohol.

Do you really need to ask why he goes to her house, deletes the messages and lies about calling her? You know the answer to this don't you??

Forget the words and look at his actions, they tell you everything you need to know.

End the relationship and focus on your child, that's what matters....not trying to force compatibility with some drunkard, douche -bag.

Good luck.

The reality is that some men cannot keep it in the trousers, however some tend to 'wake up' when a baby arrives. You can decide then if he really is a keeper or you have to lose him, however difficult the first years might be.

We have to move fast, just the way men do.......... not cry over Prince Charming (who does not exist).

He is unhappy, you are dictating how he must behave because you are pregnant, he is drinking, you are having tantrums in your pyjamas in the rain and your idea of a great relationship day is going to a baby show together.

No it almost certainly isn't salvageable. Someone has to bloody grow up because you are going to be a mother for the rest of your life and you are living in some sort of pregnant princess Disney fantasy.

I suspect you have no idea who your partner actually is a person - certainly you have not been together long enough to find out. If you want to make a go of this then you need to start finding out who he is, what he wants from his life and his life partner, and whether the two of you actually care enough about each other to make the journey through life together.

This is a bad relationship OP. Full of drama when you should still be in the honeymoon stage. I do have to pull you up on one thing though. You said that in an argument you said that he wouldn't be allowed to see his son. That's a shit thing to do and you shouldn't be using the baby as a weapon.

It does sound quote controlling from your end tbh OP and there seems to be an awful lot of arguements.Why did you tell him he wasn't to see the baby? Plus you mentioned not wanting to exist anymore. You sound very frazzled OP. You need to be taking care of yourself and not walking in the rain early morning time. Have you anyone you can stay with for a few days?

You sound very controlling.

Why did you get pregnant in an already toxic relationship? Having a baby puts even more pressure on an relationship, it rarely brings you closer together.

This relationship is not going to last, you cannot continue fighting like this. It is what it is, focus on your son.

He doesn't sound committed to you and he doesn't seem to care either.

He doesn't come across as trustworthy. Deleting the messages makes him look dodgy.

I would ensure the baby has your surname and take time out of the relationship.

Your relationship is utterly toxic. End it now for good.

You've had problems for the entirety of your relationship. If you weren't pregnant I don't think you would even be together now would you?

It's not working, it's toxic, for both of you. I think you need to prepare to be a single parent, and I think that's the best way forward for all of you including the baby.