Feeling useless and too old to change

[WhatAWomble]

Bit of backstory as I don't want to drip-feed:
Am a single parent - have been all of dd's life
She doesn't see her dad and he has not asked to see her since she was a baby (I have tried twice but despite him pretending he was interested for weeks he managed to get it back to "only if I drop maintenance") - declined. I'm nearly 40 and haven't worked for over 7 years - lucky to be in own home and rent out a property for income. Not rich by any stretch in monthly income at least but obv not massively needing to work, which was the idea when I had dd so I could be "hands on".

Currently i'm really struggling with what I think is depression. I've had anxiety in the past but this feels lethargic and generally more emotional (like i'm about to get my period but I've had it) and basically I keep thinking I have no purpose. Yes I have dd, but really I do the same loop - breakfast/school run/clean/school run/dinner/tv/bed daily. I'm bored and have taken to drinking and smoking and calling friends in the evenings because all dd wants to do is watch YouTube and i've run out of steam fighting her to do something productive. She's not reading as much as she did last year, no interest at all in doing school stuff when she is home (school don't officially set homework - just a suggestions sheet) so there's no push to do anything. She's bought the same reading book back for 2 months and i've given up asking her to change it. Have a meeting with teacher for parent/teacher meeting in a couple of weeks and know she is average. It's fine but it's all part of the "flatness".

I think I want to go back to work but when I think about it deeply I find I get a rising panic and talk myself out of it. My CV is outdated and it looks terrible that i've not worked. I don't even feel I'd be able to dress in the mornings and worry about the stress of not having the house tidy/being on top of the jobs and not seeing dd as much - although to be fair we aren't doing much now when we are together and maybe she'd be better off in breakfast and afterschool club? I hate the idea of a boring office job/admin but realistically doubt i'd get much else. I also don't know if I want the stress of a job I couldn't leave in the workplace.

I never imagined I'd be here at 40 - single for years with no love life at all - no sex for 4 years. No one cares deeply about me other than dd. School mums avoid me because i've never got child care in evenings and can't go out. I swing wildly between wanting to date to knowing I can't commit time to anyone, and don't want emotional rollercoaster going on with dd still young.

I keep thinking i'm going to burst into tears in the playground or somewhere embarrassing and half of the time i've no idea why. Dd has started asking why her dad doesn't care. She's cried in the car x3 this week about it. I've suggested she maybe try contacting him herself as when I've tried he thinks it is me trying to "get" something. She says she just wants me to find her a new daddy. It's heartbreaking and I feel so useless.

Can anyone help? I'm so tired of doing it on my own and feel bad for asking because I'm not working and I know so many people juggle so much more. I feel so useless and selfish.

You will need help finding work, its something that may simply be too hard for you to do by yourself at the moment. If you don't have friends or family who can help, you need to find an employment agency who will help with employer canvassing and other tasks.

Thanks. Yes I applied for an admin job a couple of weeks ago and got an interview but freaked out and sent a message apologising that I had already taken another job.

The thought of an interview and trying to look smart/useful/interested just threw me. It made me realise I don't feel able. I've got a degree and did much more challenging roles years ago!

You sound depressed. It also sounds like since your DD is at school you have lost your central focus. Your daily reason to get up and do things.

A daily job will help this. It doesn’t have to be a big career, it can be something that you want to do for fun! You have said you don’t need the money so what do you like doing? What is your passion?

Maybe some counseling or career/job counseling would be in order as well?

Also, I get part of it. I retired last year due to medical reasons. All of a sudden I have no reason to get up in the morning... For the first time in my life I am at a standstill. It is a very weird feeling. My mental health has gone into the toilet due to this. I don’t feel needed... or useful.

Time to refocus and find yourself. Find something wether it be a day hobby, volunteer position or actual job where you feel productive. Something for you, that makes you feel alive. When that happens, others things will fall into place.

Could you work from home? Virtual assistant?

What are your interests? Can you get out and about with dd at the weekend - park, museums, library?

You do sound depressed. Lonely and isolated too. Maybe a trip to the GP? If you can get into counselling that could improve both your mood and your confidence. You're more likely to feel up to finding a job then, and that will hopefully give you a sense of having a life outside your four walls. Good luck. 40 is still young, you're not on the scrap heap 😉
If you start getting yourself some help now, the next decade could be one of positive change and new friendships/interests.

Sending a hug. You’ve been doing an amazing job bringing up your daughter. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. Life is generally dull for most people if you know what I mean. I think the comment about volunteering is worth thinking about. It might ease you back into a work routine gently. As for socialising, could you invite a friend/ school mum/ neighbour over one night? It could just be for a few nibbles. They could bring their children so no one has to worry about childcare x

I'm not in the same situation but relate to all the feelings.

When the children are small you're very much needed all the time as a sahm. You're always "on." When they get to 7 its not the case anymore . There isnt the daily taking to the park/playing with/palava of each mealtime etc and constant chattering away.

I feel Ive lost my way too. I stiĺl want to be around for my child though. Im not depressed in actively feeling sad but Im hugely lethargic and letting everything slip

Being a single parent must be exhausting, job or no job, not having someone to share the ups and downs with must make a big difference and I can see how you'd be so sensitive to changes in your relationship with dd. It sounds like you've put everything into this but youre both ready for a change.

In your case i would probably advocate small changes at home, cook dinner together, find a game or shared hobby you both enjoy.. but be very open and talk to each other about how you feel.

for you, have you thought about retraining? there are some great courses in anything from vocational or practical skills to professional or academic qualifications. you can do most of the study at home in your own time (stops your drinking in the evening) and it's less disruptive in the short term than a huge change like 35h pw job. It would give you more confidence and motivation for a longer term career, and you could think about what you want in terms of your work patterns later to decide what you want to study (eg if you do a psychology degree work can be v flexible, likewise if you do a photography course or beauty therapy).

It sounds like dd needs some help at this time too, if you need a few sessions with a good therapist to help you through this then that's also an investment in yourselves in the longer term. Good luck

Volunteer! You have the luxury of not needing to be in paid work and voluntary work can be as much or as little commitment as you want. You could contact several charities or other local organisations and try different roles. You'll get some more up-to-date work experience for your CV, meet new people, acquire prospective referees. Sometimes voluntary work can lead into paid work as well. The application process is likely to be less arduous and stressful but will be good practice. You can try something you've never done before because if you hate it you can walk away.

However, you do sound quite down, if not actually depressed. Both you and your daughter seem to be in a boring rut. You're the adult, so if you want her to do something other than watch You Tube videos then lead by example. Watch them together and talk about what you have watched. Does she see you reading for pleasure? Do you read to her? Do you have a local library? Go on trips at the weekend - swimming, walking, cycling. If she shows any interest in a sport or activity encourage her to join a class and this will widen your circle of acquaintances as well.

Regarding your ex you'll have to manage your daughter's expectations. If she contacts him he may respond but on past form it seems unlikely. Do you have any family nearby who could tell her more about your side of her family and help with childcare so that you could go out with friends?

It's good news that you got an interview, well done.

I think it'll do you good to get back into the workplace. Personally I'd look for something part time since money isn't the main driver.

Thank you everyone. It's so kind of you to reply.

I think being paid might give me the push to actually go out. The trouble with volunteering is if I didn't go I feel I'd be letting everyone down. Being paid is an incentive, especially if I can put it towards a holiday or something.

I used to plan lovely weekends and go out with friends and their kids a lot. Then money got a bit tighter for various reasons and it seemed a bit too expensive to do so much every weekend. I think I need to plan things like that again though. We used to have friends over once a week and have pizza night but which has dwindled into once a month. I feel bad because when they come over I go out to smoke and usually drink more than I should. I'm worried they don't really enjoy coming over any more. I actually worry a lot that I've alienated a lot of friends by not being funny any more and not making enough effort.

I did actually retrain for the last 3 years. Unfortunately I did the typical thing where I chose a course I liked, was rejected from it (was vocational) and then they suggested another course instead. It was so broad that there aren't any jobs for it in the local area - I'd have to commute for nearly 2 hours to get a relevant job. I also feel the tutors didn't like me and I didn't make many friends on my course. It wasn't like a "real" uni experience because I couldn't really socialise. To be honest I came out feeling disappointed and really upset I didn't get what I knew I could have in many of the modules. I feel very worthless when I think of university actually - it was a waste of money and time and made me stressed with dd most of the time, which when I look back makes me sad.

You should go see a GP. You are describing symptoms of depression and anxiety alongside a number of possible causes; drinking too much, hormone imbalance and social isolation.

Depression and anxiety can be treated with medicine which are very effective, although some people have side effects. Medication often helps people find the strength of will and motivation to make lifestyle changes they need in the long term Given your comments that you doubt you could find motivation to volunteer then you might need this support for a period.

But if you do just one thing for now , then I would knock the drinking on the head. It is a depressive, it costs money, it makes you fat and moody.

I think you sound very low at the moment and would really benefit from having work that gets you out of the house and amongst other people that aren’t the school mums.

I’m a single mum to two kids and until last year I had a job that I HATED because it meant I could work from home (I had no other money and limited childcare options so no choice but to do it). When my youngest started school I got a new job. It’s less money but I love it. It made me realise how low being home alone made me. It’s incredibly isolating. I hope you find something x

Firstly OP I would go and see your doctor and have a chat about how you're feeling. If you are indeed depressed then going on anti-depressants (even for a short period of time), could help you to feel less hopeless and a bit more able to cope with the rigours of a job search. Once you've sorted that out (and it could be a case of just a few weeks to start feeling better and more able to cope), then I would start by temping, if you can, and if you're ultimately looking for an admin type job. Temping is a great way to get back into work after a long period away - it's short contracts - holiday cover, etc - and will allow you to dip your toe in the water, sort out childcare, get into the swing of getting up, dressed and going off to work each day, without the commitment of a FT job at first. I've often been offered FT work as a result of temping too, so it could lead to something FT and you'll have had a chance to try that place of work out first.

Hi lovely. It's difficult to start working again after a few years out. I went back to work after a decade of being a sahm. I went to some local free workshops to get me back into it and they really helped. I also did a professional qualification in my field even though I have a degree in it, but it brought me up to speed and now i find I know more than many who've never stopped working in it because of it. I love my job but if you'd asked me a few years ago, I never thought I'd be doing this because I wouldn't have had the confidence.

What is your degree in? Maybe people here can point you in the right direction?

Have sent you a PM