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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living with ex and our 2 kids. No family or friends of my own. Am lonely.

15 replies

lonelyguy · 15/03/2019 13:27

My gf and mother of our 2 kids suddenly said last June that she had changed and no longer loved me. It was a couple of days before our 13 year anniversary. She is 31 and I am 43. She said she had changed and wanted more out of life. She had never wanted tattoos or go on a plane but now did. I have no tattoos and I dont fly so we had that in common from the start of the relationship. She said she had settled down too young. She was 17 when i met her, I was 28. Our kids are 6 and 9. I was distraught. Everyone was shocked. She is quite a bubbly person whereas I am quiet and shy, until I get to know people. I had nowhere to go. Literally. We dont have a lot of money and my job had come to an end. Was in debt so agreed I would stay until out of debt. Approx 6 months maybe. However our landlord then evicted us and to move we ended up in more debt. This was in October. Done the place out with new carpets, blinds , etc as I was hoping to show her that I cared. Then Xmas came and more debt. We agreed shortly after the split than we would keep having sex. Maybe one/twice fortnight. She pinky promised it (her way of keeping a promise). This was fine until 6 weeks ago when she suddenly changed her mind. Said it wasnt right etc. Said she had just been doing it for my benefit. Now no sex. We still share the same bed. Shortly after the split I found out she was messaging a guy, read the messages and only slagging me off & some innuendos. Then my DD noticed that her password on her phone as changed but denied it. She showed me it was the same but the line pattern was different. She denied it. Said it was the same. Made me think I was in the wrong. She came clean a few hours later. Damage was done tho. Trust we had all these years was gone. Since then there was another 2 guys she messaged but when she showed her phone, the messages were deleted. Said it was all innocent. She sits most evenings on her phone in the same room as me. I found out shes messaging a guy whose married (apparently) but I overheard her saying to her mum that she had messaged a guy all day and was quite cheery about it. So is she lying? Same time we made the 1st pinky promise we all done one for her staying single till I move out. She will not show me her phone saying its none of my business. I am approx £7000 in debt and no job. Not in the right mind set to at the moment. Thinking that she could get with someone while Im in work. My dad before he met my mum, had had that happen to him. I have no friends or family, we have moved several areas and as I drive, I take her to her family and friends. We never argued in the 13 years. I do loads around the house as I am house proud so am pulling my weight. She looks back over the relationship now as says I was controlling. She agreed with a lot of things at the time just to make me happy. She felt that she couldnt go out when invited as she felt bad that I was stuck at home. A lot of the time tho it was down to money or short notice. She also said she had been unhappy for 18 months. I had been unemployed for years and when I did start work she found she did not miss me and dreaded me coming home. All changed now from what she said last June. She has a lot of friends who have broken relationships, her parents split up when she was 7. She started part time work 3 weeks ago. Now when she goes its like I have empty nest syndrome. She has turned her friends and family against me as she does not care that I am hurting and lonely. I tell her she makes me feel like pooh but its turned back on me somehow. Ive lost my partner, my best friend, plus all her family and friends. Noone wants to help me. I am all alone.

OP posts:
lonelyguy · 15/03/2019 13:30

Sorry for the ultra long post. I have left a lot of info out so willing to answer any queries. If anyone does reply. Its my 1st time posting here but have read lots of posts previously.

OP posts:
lonelyguy · 15/03/2019 13:45

Also should say that since she lied about her password on her phone I have found myself to be totally mistrusting her completely. She cant keep promises and she had lied for the 1st time (that I know about) and its massively changed me since then. She doesnt see it that way and dismisses how I am feeling and its effect on me and how it constantly plays a part in what she says and does from then and now on.

OP posts:
Kaboomba · 15/03/2019 14:41

Why does it matter that she’s messaging other men? You aren’t together.

Stop sleeping in the same bed as each other. Distance yourself from her. You don’t need to know her phone password, her whereabouts etc.

Work on finding a job to get yourself out of this situation and in to your own home where you can start rebuilding your life focusing on your kids.

As for the debt, I’d recommend speaking to some charities about what you can do, stepchange or similar.

lonelyguy · 15/03/2019 15:03

Hi Kaboomba. Thanks for replying.

Why does it matter that she’s messaging other men? You aren’t together.

I get that but out of decency I wouldnt do the same in her shoes nor would I think it appropriate to go on dates while I am under the same roof. It was her who wanted the end of the relationship. The council are not willing to help me as a single person. So I cant go anywhere apart from sleeping in my car.

I am not saying you are wrong, it just hurts knowing she can move on so quick and doing it right in front of me.

OP posts:
rvby · 15/03/2019 15:09

OP can you reconnect with family?

What's your current work situation?

I appreciate your feelings are hurt but you do need to take control here and begin making plans to leave the shared home. She isnt going to put you before herself, you've split.

Kaboomba · 15/03/2019 15:15

She hasn’t moved on so quickly, it has been nearly 9 months since she told you she wanted to split. You both cannotnput your lives on hold indefinitely, from reading your posts she isn’t rubbing it in your face, not having ransoms in the house or actively dating in front of you.

I know council won’t do anything for you which is why I think you need to start looking for a job. You said the only reason you aren’t working is because you don’t want to give her the time to go out and date behind you back.

rvby · 15/03/2019 15:19

Yeah it does sound like you're moping at home as a way to control her. The longer you stay unemployed, the more frustrated she must get because you're making it so that she/you can't move out.

It's been ages. She needs to move on. You need to move out.

Get a job, build out a support network of friends or reconnect to old friends and family.

You can't hold her hostage by refusing to work and then mope because she continues to try to properly move on... she has to move on! Your feelings aren't actually that important here

Lozzerbmc · 15/03/2019 15:26

It’s never going to be easy not being together but living under the same roof. She may well be in contact with other guys as you are no longer together and I appreciate thats difficult for you; also she had come to terms with the end of the relationship before you so it seems quicker for her to move on. But she should be respectful and be discrete about it.

I think you would feel so much better to get a job asap; it will give you a focus as well as helping your financial situation.

Focus on the children and making life happy for them and in time you will move on with your life.

lonelyguy · 15/03/2019 18:59

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.

I have had no-one to talk to aside from my ex.

My family are out of my life for good unfortunately.

I have had knock backs all my life but this has really taken it out of me and now at 43 I realise I am on my own.

You are all saying the same things and I now realise how bad and how long its gone on for. I had hoped for months on end we would get back together so pulled out all the stops but nothing worked. They are my family and the rush to get out and be on my own is very daunting. So I have dragged my feet. I had also expected some help off her but we go round and round the same old circles.

We share the same bed as we only have 2 seater sofas to sleep on and I suffer with back problems every now and again. She offered to sleep on them but then I felt bad for her (plus the thought of her telling everyone that she was would have made me feel 10 times worse). I cant win.

OP posts:
CassettesAreCool · 15/03/2019 19:12

OP you sound so sad and lonely and my heart breaks for you. However you really do need to take action. Don't let this break you. Don't let your children see this break you.

Can you get a sofabed instead of the two seater sofa? They are often cheap on eg Gumtree. Then you are at least out of the bedroom. And maybe start spending less time in the same room with her at other times, so you can't see the texting? Then get planning. Consider a flatshare maybe, at least in the short term (though you couldn't have your DC to stay I guess)? But most of all, get a job, any job, to start building your life so that it doesn't revolve solely round your ex. It is your life, and you have to live it. Very best of luck, and a hug too.

lonelyguy · 15/03/2019 19:44

^CassettesAreCool" - Thank you for the post, it means a lot.

I could get a sofabed - I have thought about it - would it be wrong to make her sleep on it tho? Lol.

This has definitely broken me. How could it not? I never strayed, I did house work, I never stopped her from doing things. I dont drink, smoke, do drugs. I thought we were on the same page.

She seems to have built things up over the years and then with social media started to compare herself to other people who had holidays every five minutes or decorated their house.

We moved approx 30 miles away from her friends and family and apart from her mum she hardly had any visitors, so it was me taking her to see them all. I was there for her in her hours of need.

Now I am made out to be the bad person for being here and not coping very well. I know things need to change hence me writing on here about it.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 15/03/2019 20:01

From everything you've said about her phone and having sex occasionally, you seem think you're actually still together. You're not - she's clearly been unhappy for a long time and doesn't want to be with you anymore. She was little more than a child when you met and you just haven't grown together. It happens and it might not be the fault of either of you.

You can't continue to live in this limbo and need an action plan to get out of it. Why can't you get a job? Even a FT NMW job would allow you to get a flatshare or rent a 1 bedroom flat (assuming you don't live somewhere ridiculously expensive).

lonelyguy · 15/03/2019 22:28

MsVestibule*

I have allowed myself to wallow in the mess I am in. I suppose I have felt hard done by and not looking forward to my lonely future. It hit me hard as we done everything together, watched films, like the same music, same humour. Always done things with the kids, days out etc. Its most likely that we just spent so much time together - considering we know some of her friends who like see their partner for less than an hour a day. We ate, slept, breathed each other.

My mind has been all over the place to think about work but it has to be a priority now as its too lonely being at home on my own.

I think you are spot on with a lot of things you've said.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/03/2019 00:17

An 11 year age gap isn't massive ..though it's big enough, but when you get with a child. She was just 17 and I can't help thinking you have other issues, as a 28 year old man getting with a young girl.

We all change, but her being so young and not really experiencing other adult relationships, created a greater risk of that.

She hasn't had the fun times that most teenagers do, because she was with you.

I can imagine she feels like she's missed out on life.

You need to focus on your children, picking yourself up and sorting out your debts.

You need to interact with other people and not isolate yourself. Look for free things to do in your area.
Volunteering is also a good way to meet people.

pissedonatrain · 16/03/2019 00:52

With neither one of you working, where did the money come from?

I think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop acting like you've been hard done by all your life. You're 43 years old and chronically unemployed. That's nobody's fault but your own.

She was just a young girl when you got together and she has changed. I don't think anyone is the same as they were at 17.

Stop moping around and worrying about what she is doing or not doing and get up and go get a job. Stick with it and move out to a flatshare or something. Pay off your debts, pay child maint. You'll feel much better about yourself.

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