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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

#kissgate - what now?

22 replies

RaspberryKisses · 14/03/2019 22:38

ExDp and I have been seprated now for 8 months, was previously living together with our 3 DC from past relationships, 15, 8, 7 contact at first was regular due to us remaining close as 2 of the DCs attend the same school and have shared lesuire activities.

However over the last 2 months I was practically ghosted, our conversations became brief one word texts, and there was little contact other than the odd awkward 'hi' in the school yard.

That's up until two weeks ago, when i recieved a messages from him asking how i was, and further questions asking how DCs were, which quickly led to 'I miss you' however I cut the conversation brief. I then recieved more mundane messages on the saturday/sunday asking about plans i had for the weekend and week ahead.

However last monday the DCs share football sessions together so we saw eachother and he this time approached me and had a friendly chat. Afterwards I recieved a text asking if myself and DC needed a ride to the competition at the weekend and later a message saying 'you looked great' and after talk about the comp it followed with a message 'i love you' in which i didnt reply to as i was shocked he had said it as this was the first and only time since we split.

we then saw eachother last thursday at karate lesson again which both boys attend in which he offered to drop us home afterwards, on reaching my house DC jumped out of the car and to my surprise my ExP leaned in for a hug then kissed me. I was shocked however (I kissed him back) and it was passionate and lasted quite long, i got out the car and recieved more messages saying how he didnt regret it and that he missed me, etc.

A few messages were exchanged in the days following. But now it has reverted back to what was normal.

Now I'm left feeling confused?

Me and my ExP discussed many times after out split the reasons for splitting and made the decision to break up our family. We both struggled but it was primarily him who didnt think it could work and didnt want to try. And i had got to a point where i had accepted that, I wasn't over it by any means but it certainly didn't hurt as much. I was ok with the little contact.

But now after #kissgate I feel like I'm right back where I began only worse, I miss him even more and find myself wanting him to message me and I keep replaying the kiss over and over. I'm now doubting the split. I feel like an idiot to have allowed myself to be in the position to feel like this again as he has ckearly stated on past occasions the relationship does not work or make him happy and i dont know what to do? As i still have to see him and now I'm feeling more vulnerable and awkward. I even found myself picking the right outfit to drop off DC at karate tonight however we didjt cross paths.

Any advice mumsnetters?

OP posts:
CashewNut11 · 14/03/2019 23:00

I would step back from him massively. He's blowing hot and cold with you - or should that be cold then hot?

It's all on his terms - he's not giving you room to think. Is he really interested in YOU? Is he asking you questions? Is he listening to what you say?

I can't help but think he won't be around for long OP...

Look after yourself OP and set strong boundaries - see how he reacts thenSmile

sunnydays78 · 14/03/2019 23:05

He’s trying to make sure you’re there as a back up. He’s hedging his bets, if things don’t work out for him in his new found freedom he’s checking to see if he can come back. Cut him off don’t entertain him

RaspberryKisses · 14/03/2019 23:19

Cashew - If I'm honest the relationship was hot and cold throughout, but the for me it always felt right.

I agree I know I should as i may end up hurt all over again but I'm still in love with him, I can't imagine my life with anyone else but at least I was at a stage i was managing and moving on and had come to the acceptance of the relationship beind done, Now this has just knocked me sideways.

I think he does listen however im not sure what page he is reading from at the moment?

Was it a test?
Was it because he genuinely misses me?
Does he regret the decision? I dont know but im scared to even ask as i dont want to feel vulnerable...

OP posts:
RaspberryKisses · 14/03/2019 23:20

Sunny - you are probably correct although its hard to swallow.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/03/2019 23:23

There was an identical thread to this on here yesterday. Go back and read the advice and comments that were made, OP! No one's going to say anything different today! Some people got quite exasperated with you!

RaspberryKisses · 14/03/2019 23:26

What was the thread singlenotsingle?

OP posts:
RaspberryKisses · 14/03/2019 23:27

Singlenotsingle - its not my thread? However i would like to read it...

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/03/2019 23:40

Sorry if it wasn't you OP. My ajolopies. It just all sounded identical, in particular the passionate kiss. It was by cr20 and titled "He's left me very confused". Read what people said, especially ShatnersWig.

RaspberryKisses · 14/03/2019 23:45

No, it definitely wasn't me this is my first time posying about this issue. Thank you for dorecting me to the post though I'll have a look.

OP posts:
RaspberryKisses · 14/03/2019 23:58

Single.- I have read the post however if im honest didnt find shatners comments helpful to that OP at all, and how het comments relate to me or my post, infact there is nothing identical only that of a 'passionate kiss' however i did read some of the others comments which i found helpful however my post os completely unrelated and differs massively. 0

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 15/03/2019 00:01

Ok, I said I'm sorry. I was a bit hasty. Hopefully reading it helped you a little bit, though.

RaspberryKisses · 15/03/2019 00:14

Its NP. Thank you for signposting to that post single ;) it helped regardless of your original comments intent.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 15/03/2019 03:29

Sounds like his most current shag has binned him off and he's hoping you'll fill the gap in his dance card.

What can you do to spend more time and attention on you and your DC in healthy ways?

Frenchmontana · 15/03/2019 06:29

OP I read the other post. I didn't think it was you. But actually it's very similar to you.

Because it's pretty much a given that in a couple of years......you will be that poster. You think its coincidence that he pretty much cut contact and then when you were doing ok tried to reel you back in.

I am 99% positive his contact dropped because he was seeing someone else. That's obviously not worked out. He saw you and you 'looked good'.

He will do this to you all over again. Leaving you confused, wondering what it means, will it work etc. He knows that he is now taking up alot of brain space for you.

He lived with you. He was your partner and he was determined it wouldn't work. What's changed? all that's changed is that he is feeling lonely.

Yoyo10000 · 15/03/2019 06:59

You need to be very wary. Trying to second guess this won’t end well. He probably fancies a shag for old times sake and by the sounds of it he is well on the way to getting it if he follows it up.

If he blew hot and cold during the relationship then don’t expect any different now.

This episode had set you back in your recovery but if this were me, I would be moving on and not letting it happen again.

altiara · 15/03/2019 07:39

I’d have a think about what exactly do you want from a relationship and whether or not someone who goes from ghosting to I love you and then back again is a person you want to get involved with again. Doesn’t sound like he’s changed from the original relationship either. Just more of the same.
Personally I’d move on and try my best to make sure he couldn’t get inside my head again.

Haffiana · 15/03/2019 10:32

Yep. You are the 'reserve shag' for when he is having issues with whoever he is seeing at the moment. He just wants to make sure that you will come running if he clicks his fingers.

Get very angry with him. Take back control.

P1ainJanine · 15/03/2019 10:43

Sounds like he's keeping you as his backup for when he can't get it somewhere else.

Bin him. It's supposed to be fun in the early stages.

NameChangeNugget · 15/03/2019 13:23

Keeping you onside, as his back up plan

Fedupofthisrubbish · 15/03/2019 15:19

Who cares what he wants? You have to remind yourself in no uncertain terms that he is NOT good enough for you -

He was hot and cold throughout the relationship.
Ghosting you when you'd established a separated mutual amicability.
Pursuing you because he took a notion.
Behaving like it never happened.

He is not good enough. Change his name to 'not good enough' in your contacts.

Kko1986 · 15/03/2019 16:53

It does sound confusing but I would stop the games and just say outright what is going on are you saying you want to be with me. If the answer is yes maybe it can be resolved if it's a not sure then walk away don't let him keep you on a lead tugging you back when ever he feels lonely you deserve better than that

CashewNut11 · 15/03/2019 17:42

Raspberry I've been in this situation and I remember thinking 'maybe this time it can work', 'maybe he really is finally coming to his senses', 'maybe I can help him get to be the person he really wants to be'. Blush Hmm Yes I got the t-shirt, the bed linen and the full canteen set of cutlery, and then I woke up and smelled the coffee...

This isn't about him, it's actually about you learning to realise you really deserve better than this, that you really are entitled to more than this in a relationship.

Learn to step away (again) from the desire for him. He's still the same person - his actions told you who he was before and he's telling you again.

This is your opportunity to step up and care for yourself, put yourself first. It may feel empty and a little lonely at first but that's good because it means you can fill yourself up by doing great things with and for yourself. Learn to treat yourself with respect, consideration and acceptance?

Hold onto yourself and let him go Smile

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