Did he sexually assault me after my miscarriage?

[Sue1989]

Bit of a long one. Please bear with me.

Been married for almost seven years and we have two young children.
Recently I suffered a miscarriage without knowing I was even pregnant. We weren't TTC but had been discussing it.
Thought I was doing okay, but every now and then have really struggled. Both husband and I communicate really well about how we felt about it all and he's been supportive.
Last week I had my first period since the miscarriage and it left me feeling really run down physically and emotionally.
In bed one night during and husband starts feeling me up. I was obviously in no way in the mood and just laid still, pretending to be asleep, hoping he'd get the message. For 15+ minutes he continued to touch me inappropriately. I felt so horrified that tears filled my eyes and I froze. Had no idea what to do. Eventually he stopped and asked if I was awake and if I wanted him to stop. I said that I wish he would and burst into tears. I spent the night on the sofa and we talked about it the next day. He was very upset and sorry about it all. Since then he barely comes near me. He doesn't even cuddle me in bed anymore and sometimes doesn't even kiss me.
My head is messed up from all this. I badly need a little break just to think things over in peace but the kids are my main priority and husband works all the time or is out with friends.
Am I overreacting? Was it assault? Do I stay? Do I leave? I don't want him to be labelled something he isn't over one mistake, but he really made me feel disrespected and devalued. Help.

Unless your dh is normally an abusive prick, it was not a sexual assault. It sounds,like you are feeling very sensitive and he is now feeling crap about himself. Have a chat and move on.

What a shock OP and for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

With regards to your post, to me it sounds like a misunderstanding. Why did you feel that you couldn't say no? Does this stem from something else within your relationship or is it purely because of what you've been through?

Did you perhaps freeze because you was in shock he could even want to do that? Because for many sex is a great way to connect through a difficult time and this helped us when we lost our baby. I'm not saying you should feel up for it too of course! Just that it's not a bad thing that he was.

I would talk to him and get his side on why he is suddenly not coming near you. This doesn't need to build and grow into a bigger issue.

I think he was wrong in his behaviour towards you.

I don’t know about all the others on here saying why didn’t you say no, but usually when DP initiates I respond if I don’t he stops, he doesn’t continue for fifteen minutes while I pretend to be asleep.

It sounds like your husband knew you weren’t up for it but kept trying anyway.

Having said that I don’t think noes the time to make a life changing decision. So long as you don’t feel he will do this again and are safe.

I do think you need to look into counselling as it sounds like you’re traumatised from the miscarriage and could use grief counselling perhaps.

I don’t know about all the others on here saying why didn’t you say no,

Why? Because that's what I'd do, just say no, not tonight etc, communicate what I'm feeling? Rather than let him carry on and have to assume after five minutes it's a no. Similarly, if rather he just communicated a no and not let me continuing trying to initiate something the other way round.

But if you’re partner wasnt responding, would you carry on for fifteen minutes before asking if they were up for it?

If my partner doesn’t respond I immediately ask if he doesn’t want me to continue.

The OP froze and her partner chose to continue touching her before he asked her for consent. He should have asked her at the beginning when she did not respond to his advances.

I understand people do freeze but I think for your husband he thought (wrongly in this case) you were his wife and would be able to tell him if you didn't like it? I'm sure if you were a one night stand he would be looking for verbal affirmation a bit more than a woman he has been married to for 7 years? I am trying to see it from your viewpoint and the fact you feel assaulted it is obviously horrendous and you need to discuss it fully with him. But I have woken my husband up so many times by touching him that I just can't wrap my head around your situation that well? I can honestly say if I was rubbing my husband up and down for 15 mins and he didn't say anything I would assume he was into it and not that he was frozen? If I asked if he liked it and he said he felt assaulted I wouldn't touch him again so I can see your husband's viewpoint, the fact he now doesn't touch you I would assume is more fear that you will feel assaulted again rather than a admission of guilt?

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby and I think you need to see someone about this and hopefully it will help to put other things in place?

@frazzledasarock personally in a seven year marriage if this is how it usually starts ie touching rather than asking consent, then I see no wrong. If ordinarily as OP said she makes I very clear if she does or doesn't want sex, with the indication that it's not an issue, then a simple no st the beginning would suffice. It's all about communication.

What is your relationship like outside you say he is always at work or at home -
Did he think you were awake or asleep

I think it's very odd for your DH not to notice for 15 minutes that you were frozen. I suspect he did notice, but carried on in the hope you would get into it.
In an ideal world, you would want him to check in with you earlier. All you pp saying you're ok with your dh's groping you for 15 minutes without any indication that you're ok with it...really? Do you not move a bit to make it easier, or make an approving, keep going type noise?
To me the freezing part is understandable, victims often report this as a response to an unwanted sexual advance.
I think you need to tell him how you feel and see what his response is. If he is mortified that he got it so wrong, perhaps you can move on from this. If he tries to blame you, then what's to stop him trying again. You need him to understand that anything less than an enthusiastic yes, is a No.

Sorry you are going through this. When I miscarried I was an emotional wreck.

I don't think your husband has sexually abused you at all. My Husband regularly initiates things by doing what your husband did. If I don't want things to go further I would say but considering your emotions you just didn't feel strong enough to say anything. He read your feelings and stopped all contact which is good and he is now scared to do anything incase he upsets you. He's being the perfect husband in my eyes. Maybe sit and talk with him, explain how you feel and say you'd like cuddles with him and if it feels too much then you'll ask him to stop and discuss it more.

Good luck and try not to overthink things.

@ALargeGinPlease yes that’s it exactly.

I’ve never had a partner who stays rigidly silently still whilst I’m trying to turn him on.

I’d presume anyone who remained silent and didn’t move didn’t want it. I wouldn’t need a definite verbal get the fuck off me. I’d stop immediately if they weren’t responding and speak to them.

I really do think the person making the advances should be the one asking not assuming. Especially if partner isn’t responding.

"Initiating" is very different from "fifteen minutes with no response/him thinking the OP is asleep". Initiating isn't assault; 15 minutes is. And it is if the OP feels that way. I'm astonished at the victim-blaming on this thread.

However! OP, you don't have to make any decisions or feel assaulted or not, or get past this or, well, anything. The fact you can talk to your husband about it is great. He might be upset and you're obviously upset, but so long as you keep communicating you'll probably both be OK. Just keep talking and being open and honest and understanding. I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

You have been pregnant, you did not know you were but your body responded with hormones. We all know how they play with your moods. Sorry you are feeling so low. None of us are mind readers though. I hope you will feel better as time passes.

Insensitive - yes
Sexual assault - no
However fact that you are on a forum asking the question about your husband speaks volumes about how negative the marriage is

- but I don’t think it was assault

Why did you freeze with your husband? Sorry, you must know him very well. This isn't a ons or new relationship. I am really struggling how you were, this one time, unable to say no.

Were you wanting to see how long he would continue before he stopped?

You froze for a reason. I think you need to look at what that reason was

And no, I don't think this was sexual assault either.

Totally insensitive of him, but in the context of a normal, non abusive loving relationship I don't think he assaulted you. He stopped when you made it clear you wanted him to, he's not a mind reader, although you'd have thought he'd have taken the hint. I wouldn't think twice if DH tried to initiate things like this with me, although if I didn't want to I'd push his hand away or say no.

Regardless of the technicalities it's made you feel bad and he has some serious making up to do. If your relationship is normally good and he's never made you feel this way before then I would talk things through with him. You're clearly upset, understandably so, and he needs to be clear as to why and understand that it should not happen again. A non response from you to future advances needs to be heeded as 'not tonight thanks'.

I'm sorry for your loss.