How do you leave a marriage when you have no money and 3 kids?

[UnfinishedUsernam]

My husband is gradually becoming more and more like a child. He flies off the handle with little provocation, he screams at the kids and behaves petuantly. I'm not working as I'm struggling with Sciatica and in no fit state to work. 2 of my kids have emotional and mental issues. Dd had a melt down at school and her teacher rang me. We've been waiting on a cahms appointment and she is also starting the very long process of getting an adhd/add diagnosis. I feel smothered with it. We managed to get an emergency GP appointment where dd became very withdrawn and shaky. The GP managed to get her an appointment in April rather than October which she was thrilled about. Receiving support from her teacher and GP feels so nice. However dh for some reason is less and less supportive. Earlier on he came home from work to a messy house and kicked off big time. It was recommended that dd take a day or two off school. So we chilled out and spent the day in my bed watching films. It was lovely. But predictably dh brought the mood down. The state of the house and credit card bill the cause (it was 2 dd and ds birthdays this month). When I said to dh I'd been trying to get dd on an even keel and had spent the day just with her she tried defending me. He told her that when she gets her cahms appointment she (and her siblings) will end up in care because she'll talk about cutting herself and threatening to drink bleach and ooh daddy's being mean to me. (Imagine this being said in a pouty and sarcastic baby voice). I'm now getting his famous silent treatment. He says we treat him like a slave and expect him to pay for everything. We damn right we do. It's called being a parent and/Or spouse.
I can't take it anymore. I think my kids might be happier away from him. I love him but feel constantly on edge.
I have nothing though. No savings, no job etc.
I also have no one we could go to. I'm miserable and on sertraline. I take painkillers for my back. I don't know what to do. I want my kids to be happy. I'm failing badly.

What a horrid situation, feel for you op .
I would get this moved to Relationships as many wise people hang out there .
Sorry that I'm not much help but wanted to bump your post 💐

Thanks Windy x

I had 4 dc when I left... Borrowed bond /rent from dgm and found a private rented house.
A neighbour helped me move.
I claimed benefits.

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now.

Thank you Jo.

My husband walked out and left me with 2 pre school children. The finances were a huge mess, it was terrifying. But if you live in England your very lucky as we have the benefit system, its doable it really is.

I have not been in this situation but would you be able to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau at all for advice on what benefits you could claim? Hope it can help you, you can do it

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You will all be happier if you can get yourselves away from him.

His silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. He's also projecting his own self onto you; HE is the one who treats you like a slave and expects everyone else to pay.

You have a choice here re this man, your children do not and what are they learning about relationships here?.

Have you as yet talked to a Solicitor about divorcing him; that would be a way forward for you ultimately. He will simply continue to wear you down and out otherwise. What is there also to love about this man; there is nothing there and I am wondering if you are confusing love here with codependency. His problems and needs are not more important than yours. It may well be too that the root cause of you currently taking anti depressants is he; that could well lift if you free yourself of him.

Would suggest too that you contact the Rights of Women organisation and Womens Aid; both could help you no end here re leaving.

How old are the DC?

What is the housing situation? Rent or mortgage.
Silent treatment isn't good and maybe contributing to your depression. A day off occasionally is fine but actually doing some exercise, going for a walk is proven to help depression.

I found myself in a similar situation to yours a while back and although I can't say what you should do, what I did was write a letter to my partner. I rewrote it about 15 times. I laid my heart bare, I told him how much I loved him and us and our family. But I also told him what I needed from him including kindness, support, sex and a calm and safe feeling house. Including a lot of 'when you say x I think you mean y and it makes me feel z'. This was very eye opening for myself as well.

He read it and reread it over a few days and then opened up. He told me how scared and unloved he felt. He apologised many times over and we had a date night, the first in years.

We are now closer than we were before and happier in being ourselves.

Be strong, and stay focused on what you want for an end goal, whatever that may be.

Don't stay because you think you have to, but don't break up your family until you've tried everything you can think of.

Is he generally good at talking about his feelings? How does he feel about having two dc with MH/EH issues and a disabled wife who can't work? Have you sat down and talked properly about your dc's health conditions and how they are affecting each of you? Does your h do most of the housework, etc. because of your bad back?

Does he feel overwhelmed and feel as if you all rely on him?

I agree there's no excuse for the silent treatment, or for not sitting down and talking about things, but I can see why he'd be annoyed to come home after work and find you in bed watching films, with the house a shit tip.

You could have spent half an hour tidying, etc.

Hi thanks all for the replies. My kids are ds who is 15, he has emotional issues, has threatened suicide and is currently being supported by 42nd street. My dd1 is 13 and is fine. She just gets on with it. Dd2 is 10. She has been referred to cahms. She has tried self harming and threatened suicide. I can understand dh's frustration but hate that he takes it so personally. I don't think he can cope with kids that are so tough to care for. I do love him but think we'd all do better if we weren't in each other's faces all the time. The house is mortgaged and we've been together 16 years (married 15). All bills are paid by him. As I've been in agony with Sciatica and unable to work he has had to take charge of cooking and housework. However he can't keep on top of it and the house is getting messy. The kids are impossible to get to help much. I try to do what I can but at the moment I can't stand for long or bend properly. This will make moving difficult for me. I've explained to dh that things will eventually improve but he just thinks I'm trying to placate him. I have nothing. No money of my own. No savings. All my friends have dropped me over the years. My mum has a small house but she has my two brothers there. I feel stuck.

How long have you had the sciatica? There is treatment out there to help and it is always best to be as active as possible. As you’re married you will have rights as far as the house is concerned, you can start with free legal advice.
I think you can also try and help yourself with your health issues. This will help you deal with everything going on around you.
I have had chronic back issues in the past but I kept going as much as I could and currently have a frozen shoulder which is excruciating but I’m still working and try and have the mentality to get through it. I can’t understand why your husband has to do all the cooking?

Kingfisher I was comforting dd who had been given an emergency GP appointment. Her teacher contacted me to let me know that she broke down in class and was inconsolable. When we got to the GP (,He was on call) he couldn't get a thing out of her. She kept begging to go home. All she wanted was to lie in bed and snuggle up to me. So that's what we did. She was kept off school for 2 days (school and GP recommended it so she could 'decompress'). Dh came home in a rage. He wouldn't listen while I tried explaining the nightmare of a day I'd had. Rather than apologise when he finally hears the full story he calls dd for a chat and as he's her dad and his manner has softened she's pleased and they make up. Why do I get? The silent treatment.
I've always been the one to clean the house and to a high standard. He would do the odd bit here and there but it was my department. Now he sees that my job wasn't easy (I worked full time too). So now there's less money and lots of housework. I'm trapped in a useless body, surviving on painkillers and trying to do physiotherapy.

Fikel I can't stand up for longer than a minute. With physio I'm improving but a long way to go. I help by peeling the veg, soaking the rice etc. I also fold the washing and sit with the kids to read.and help with homework. Something dh has no patience for. On the plus side I applied for PIP and was awarded the basic rate. The assessor commented that she could see I was in agony. I feel so ashamed that my life is like this. Ds told his key worker that he started feeling the way he does when I got ill. That the family went from happy to sad. I'm doing all I can to get better and back on my feet. I take my meds, do my physio and try to be positive.

OP I have sciatica and depression so I know how difficult things can get. It sounds like yours is very severe. Yes we get told to keep mobile but it can be impossible when the pain is paramount. Luckily my dh helps out and doesn't make a big deal of it.

I wonder if you've tried cannabis oil for your back pain? I know someone who swears it's changed his life.

Beer I've also been told to try turmeric. But as dh is Pakistani we eat that a lot. How would I go about getting the oil?

Thanks Sharon. I too am an Adrian Mole fan. In fact I'm making my way through the books on Audible.