Slightly self absorbed husband

[Renson]

Hi,

I just want to get other people's opinions on this as I feel because sometimes I feel unreasonable for feeling the way I do.

My DH works long hours (leaves at 6, home at 8 most days), he is a runner who runs for at least an hour a day at lunch time. He's also been studying for the last few months so weekends are taken up too.

I work from home mostly and therefore most of childcare falls with me (2 DS's 6&8) which I've been fine with so far.

However, recently I've become a little jaded. I've had a reoccurring slipped disc for the last year as well as other health problems which has really slowed me down.

My disc slipped out again last week when I was due to take the kids swimming. I phoned my husband 2 hours before the swimming lesson to ask him to come home early to take them (early was 6pm). He sounded very annoyed and said he'd try. Long story short, he got to the swimming lesson as it was about to finish and said he got talking to someone and it would have been rude to say he had to leave. He got really angry with me when I said I couldn't rely on him (not the first time something like this has happened).

I've noticed other things since then too. I had to take DS2 to the doctor as he had a severe skin infection and he did not ask how he was. Then yesterday I had to go into school about DS2 because he and his friend are being bullied. Again he didn't ask how I got on, just spent the evening telling me how stressful his day was!

AIBU to expect him to ask about his children and give me a little more help? His response when I say I need more help is "you work from home, you get a lot more free time than me".

Unfortunately this can be the response from SOME men (not all I understand) but my OH says things like this as I’m on mat leave ie you’re at home all day etc (I have a 6 year old, 5 month old and he has an 11 year old who he drops off after school weds and every other friday) but he does help with bathtime when he gets home, and he always asks how our 5 month old is and remembers to ask if I’ve taken my 6 six year old to the doctor (who isn’t his) so I would expect your OH to remember his own children. My OH was a sales manager and has recently started up his own business so has loads to remember along with stress etc, maybe your oh needs to work on his memory.

I work from home mostly and therefore most of childcare falls with me

Umm, no - if you work from home, then you need to spend your time actually working. You can't work and look after children - that is two jobs.

Do you mean that your husband has no respect for you working and thinks it is so unimportant/easy/silly that you can also do childcare at the same time?

I work form hoe and if my DH ever tried that I would swing for him. Thankfully he doesn't and is more likely to come home and put tea on that to interrupt me!

You need a long sit down chat with him. Lay it all on the line, tell him plainly, bluntly how he is acting and how it affects you, your work and the kids. Maybe even have a quick tally sheet showing how much/little he does at home.

If he tries to get angry stop him "How dare you dismiss my feelings in this?" or similar.

Best of luck!

Oh no this is terrible it seems that your right and it is all about him.

Seems he is not pulling his weight. Child rearing is not easy and men should help out end of. Seems to me he acts as if you are a brood mare while he gets his own life. Its not fair for you to have no life either, this is unfair if you ask me. Ive never heard of someone not caring apart from the so called dead beat dads which he appears not to be, but not far off with the compassion.

He sounds like an asshole tbh. Self entitled one at that

Does he share the housework and childcare in the evenings and at weekends?

Sounds like a very selfish man.
Does he have ANY good points?

This is really appalling behaviour, but sadly quite common. He is protecting his job, his hobbies, his career, and his life and letting you take up the slack. It is not fair. You are parents TOGETHER, and he needs to pull his weight a lot more than this. He doesn't just get to make decisions for himself any more. If he wanted to live the life of a single guy, he should never have had children.

I suspect he is now in the pattern of doing what he wants and if you starting asking or expecting his "help" then he may get resentful.

I think any change will be slow as no doubt he has always been like this just that you notice it more.
It is worth trying a sit down chat, along the lines of him being more involved in the children. Ideally he would want to do it for them but it might help his ego if you say it would benefit him & them.
Does he take them to sports at the weekend? Does he make dinners, share housework when he is around?

It might seem pessimistic but I think he is probably living a life that he likes and I have seen it all too often. His justification will be protecting his income for the family but reality is he wants status of his job.

For you once you notice how selfish he is it becomes difficult to unsee it. If you want to stay married try to focus on his positive points..hopefully he has some!

He does have a lot of good points otherwise I wouldn't still be here. He cooks the dinner every night, showers the kids and does a lot of the housework at the weekend (as well as other things too).

It's just the lack of awareness and empathy to things going on outside his little bubble that bothers me.

He usually takes the kids to breakfast club at school in the mornings but I told him I would take the kids to school today, so I asked him to put the bin out on his way out of the house and he got the hump about that because he'd have to move my car to do it! If he didn't do it, it wouldn't get done as I can barely walk at the moment never mind pushing an overflowing bin down the driveway. I just find his attitude very frustrating.