Lack of lust.

[Kiko39]

DP and I have been together for 6 years, engaged for 1 and getting married next year.
When we began our relationship, as I imagine all relationships began with, there was a lot of sex and we couldn't get enough of each other. We caught pregnant pretty soon, which ended at 16 weeks with a MC.
Since then, our intimate relationship has been so dry that it's almost non-existent.
However, I still can't get enough of him. I'm very touchy-feely and love nothing more than that kind of passionate kissing where you just can't keep your hands off eachother- I don't need it to lead to sex, just that passionate intimacy is all I really need with him. I try and try, but he doesn't respond, and when he does, he doesn't 'perform'.

Now, I get pain during sex so have been to see a gynaecologist, who has told me that there's nothing there to indicate a physical or health related issue, and she thinks it's psychological so has referred the two of us to psychosexual counselling.
We had our first session last week, but he wasn't exactly forthcoming. He told the therapist that he's fine and everything is normal for him, whereas I broke down in tears about how I feel.

I'm struggling at the moment because I feel like it's me. I'm laid up in bed on my day off from work, in tears, feeling really worn down and tired because of it all. He's at work but knows I didn't sleep at all last night, and has said he thinks there's something bothering me but I can't bring myself to repeat it all to him because I don't ever want to make him feel guilty, or force him to be intimate when he doesn't want to be.

What can I do?

I think stick at the therapy. A good therapist will bring out the reasons why. Maybe a lot of it is to do with the mc, and how he saw what pain and distress that caused (you and him) and maybe hes blocking sex becasue of that?

If you feel the need to talk, talk. Are you both committed to the wedding?

Is this lack of physical affection sudden and recent, or has it been going on for a while? If its recent you both might be able to do something about it. If its long term, then it may mean he's no longer in love with you and getting married would be a mistake.

There's got to be a middle ground between not talking about it and making him feel guilty/pressuring him.

If he really believes everything is fine on his side or he isn't willing to engage with the counselling, then it doesn't give you anywhere to go. I would continue with it for some more sessions and if he doesn't start engaging, then you really have to consider your options.

Thanks, Pudding. Our therapist asked about family planning and delved into both our pasts- DP has amazing family and had a great upbringing, but I was abused and in the care system for years so have such a strong desire to have our own family and in all fairness to DP, he was honest and said he doesn't feel like we're both emotionally or financially ready for that, financially predominantly due to the wedding. He's also admitted that he's scared that when we are ready, that we'll MC again and he doesn't want to see me hurt so bad again.
He's really committed to the wedding, as am I. When we first became a couple he didn't really want to get married and the idea of children were a no-no, but over recent years he's really made an effort to make me feel like we're on the right path together. I know it may sound silly but our recent anniversary, he put thought into getting a card that had a wonderful verse that he elaborated on, telling me that there's two things in life that he's certain of, and that's that he wants me, and he wants us. He never wanted a cat, but since having our own home has allowed me to adopt one and he treats him like a baby, its adorable. He also buys me lillies, and learnt that cats are allergic to lillies so buys me pretty flowers and draws little lillies in my card so I get the best of both worlds. Again, it sounds silly but he's so incredibly thoughtful and romantic. But it all goes wrong when it comes to physical intimacy.

Scott, thank you for your response.. that's what's been going through my mind. But, I've always had body confidence issues and struggle with everyday relationships (family, colleagues, friends etc.) due to my upbringing and the fear of being rejected. I've questioned whether it's just me overthinking it. I joked last week about how he mustn't find me attractive anymore, and he was very forthcoming with telling me that I was wrong. He asked me what isn't to love, told me just how much he loves me and really made me feel secure. But he still couldn't be physically intimate. I should probably add that he's on antidepressants, and I know these can decrease your libido. He really does do everything right, and apart from the physical intimacy, I don't feel like there's anything for me to worry about.. you get me? I don't know if I'm just over reacting to this one thing

I'd be concerned that he has shifted his own goalposts in life quite radically for you. (Some people do and it's actually just a process of growing up or whatnot.) But to go from not wanting dc etc to this, is quite a leap, and I'd be worried that he's not being quite honest with himself or you. It may be he is actually OK with it being the price of admission to be with you, genuinely.

It may be he's scared of you getting pregnant again because of the miscarriage and the timing, which may be putting him off sex. In which case, doubling up on contraception, I dunno such as you being on long term contraception and using condoms, might make him feel more confident about it.