Way back in 1995 when I met my ex as a 17 year old, the term red flags didn't exsist and I didnt have a real clue about what a good relationship should look like. For years I just thought his behaviour was normal or was something I had done to deserve it.
The biggest red flag from night one was he walked me to a friends house (happened to be male) because my sister was there. He went on and on about that night for the whole relationship that he "left me to go to another blokes house". He meant it, it grated on him from day 1 I had male friends.
He would call me at Uni, and if I wasnt there write me letters about how its difficult for him to see me living my life etc (he was a bit older than me). He would sometimes just show up even thoguh we hadnt arranged for him too (was a 90 minute drive). I still have the letters, I thought he was just madly in love with me, I didnt really consider it jealous and manipulating. Reading them back now I see it in a different way.
He flared for no reason. Once he threw toast at me when I was at Uni because i didnt butter it in all four corners. Seriously I should have bailed then, if anyone did that to me now as a 40 year old, I would never speak to them again. He was like a toddler having a tantrum. A few years ago he shouted and screamed at me while trying to jumpo start our car. Cos it was all my fault of course.
Having a very dysfunctional realtionship with a cold and sour faced mother. Basically he is her in male form.
Not developing any friendships past university years.
Isolating himself as the years went on. Quizzing me if I went out. He would never have stopped me going out aone, but if I didnt tell him enough I was hiding something, if I told him what he thought was too much, I was rubbing in how good the night was, and he got pissed off because he wasnt involved in it.
I think the biggest thing was fearing being honest, because he would always find something to question or go on about. In the end I couldnt be arsed to go oout as much because of the next day.
Sulking and moody in the mornings particularly. Like he was the only one who had to work.Worsening alcohol dependency.
Questioning what I had done all day if I had been off, I could never feel like I could just sit around and do nothing all day, because if he'd been working (even thoguht I worked full time but did 13 hours shifts so had days off) he would get pissed off.
I look at it now and think why did I let it go on for 21 years, although we did have fun at times and I did love him. I dont regret our relationship as we have two gorgeous kids, but he is even more difficult now, and co parenting with him is a nightmare at times!