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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can i trust my husband?

24 replies

ptaszek · 13/03/2019 20:58

About a month ago some post came through the door. For some reason my husband picked it up and headed upstairs to his office. I followed him and asked what it was. He was really defensive and showed me - it was a loan payed off for 12k. I asked what it was for and why was is hiding it? He said it didn't matter as it had been paid off and he cant remember what it was for!

I left it but it has been bugging me ever since. Of course i'm now getting paranoid. Up to a month ago he worked away nearly every week. He snaps his phone shut when i'm near so i'm thinking the worst. Or am I being paranoid??

Today I asked him about money again and he blew up saying we'd already discussed it (hardly) and to F off and it was none of my business! Generally our relationship is happy.

What would you think/do?

OP posts:

Bethanyg25 · 13/03/2019 21:25

I’d feel the same as you, that’s a lot of money and in my opinion a figure like that definitely is your business. You don’t just forget what you borrowed 12k for. Could it have been a gambling problem?

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/03/2019 21:31

Financing a hooker 'sugar daddy style or gambling addiction.

reallemonade · 13/03/2019 21:36

Sounds like he's been spending money on someone or something...could he have someone on the side? Or a child?

mamato3lads · 13/03/2019 21:42

Nobody has ever got a loan for £12,000 and then forgotten all about it. What bollocks! He's lying OP, you just need to find out why... x

HollowTalk · 13/03/2019 21:43

I'm really shocked that he talked to you like that. You are married, so technically you've paid £6,000 of that back.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/03/2019 21:45

OP I'm confused, did you mean he has paid off a 12K loan, or he has taken out a 12K loan.

sorry

HollowTalk · 13/03/2019 21:47

It sounded as though the loan had been fully repaid, but he couldn't remember what he'd taken it out for. Or so he said.

SandyY2K · 13/03/2019 21:50

He can't remember what he spent £12k on! He's lying. That much is sure.

You just don't know what it is he's lying about.

It could be a drug addiction.
A gambling habit.
Supporting a secret child
A secret lover
Escorts

He's hiding something and his defensiveness says it all.

category12 · 13/03/2019 21:51

Told you to fuck off and that it was none of your business, eh?
Wow.

Thatnovembernight · 13/03/2019 21:55

Yes he is lying. And things are very wrong when your husband tells you to fuck off instead of having a reasonable chat with you when you’re worried about something. Sorry xx

fannycraddock72 · 13/03/2019 21:56

What’s he usually like with money? Maybe he just got into trouble a few years ago and got a loan to pay it off?

BlackPrism · 13/03/2019 22:32

No one blows up like that for an innocent reason, or even an 'I fucked the car up 5 years ago and paid off the fixing in secret' reason

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/03/2019 22:47

We are a higher income household with no dependents and I would consider that a major expenditure...

Personally, I would be doing my best miss marple

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/03/2019 22:49

Sorry that reads totally wrong it isn’t a stealth boast. what I mean is that is serious $$$$$$ for anyone. It is not a minor debt.
No way is it okay to spend that and then tell you to fuck off when you ask why

Something fishy is afoot....

CatyaPurella · 13/03/2019 23:30

Has he lost his job perhaps?

Glosstwit · 13/03/2019 23:35

He's definitely lying and the phone stuff is worrying too.

notwokeup · 13/03/2019 23:42

Noone forgets what a £12k loan is for!

Honeyroar · 13/03/2019 23:55

I agree, of course he knows what he spent it on. And to blow up at you and start an argument because you try and discuss it... he’s up to something and trying to make you feel guilty.

If I found my husband had taken £12k of loans and not discussed it with me and refused to discuss it when I found out it would be a deal breaker for me.

NameChangeNugget · 14/03/2019 08:00

I get really angry when I read stories about financial mismanagement and the deceit that goes with it.
It’s up there with cheating in my eyes and you have every right to feel the way you do.
His reaction says it all.

Fannybaws52 · 14/03/2019 08:08

Big red flags waving right at you here.

Your marriage isn't what you think. I bet this 12k secret is the tip of the iceberg.

Might be a good idea to go speak to a solicitor now.

LewesHamilton · 14/03/2019 08:35

Been there and it is so difficult and stressful. Sorry you are gong thru this. www.thestreet.com/personal-finance/debt-management/five-signs-of-financial-abuse-in-marriage-14568785

timeisnotaline · 14/03/2019 09:21

Time to split finances , work out a plan and broach it with him. A good precursor to splitting more than money if it turns out you’re not a team.

thepinkp · 14/03/2019 11:14

I'll bet money on this being an overseas investment in either a person or lifestyle.. I've got that t-shirt. Where does he work away?

Honeybee79 · 14/03/2019 11:16

What bollocks, of course he can remember what he took the loan out for, he just doesn't want to tell you.

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