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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he rude or am I boring?

56 replies

cosmomartini · 13/03/2019 20:50

Hello, I feel a bit stupid posting this when people are going through far worse situations but just need advice really
My bf of 4 years is annoying me lately, I work in a GP surgery & it's really busy so when he asks about my day I start to tell him & he'll say 'one second, did you see the trailer for so & so?'
it'll throw me off what I was saying & I lose my train of thought so I'll start again & it's just interruptions until I eventually say forget it then he says 'oh okay then' I'm starting to think maybe I'm just a boring person & I'm not worth listening to.
His personal hygiene is shocking to me as well, he will go days without showering or brushing his teeth - if I did the same I'd be so self conscious as I work in an office but maybe because his a builder & his not in close proximity to anyone he doesn't care. Am I being fussy?

OP posts:
Original poster
cosmomartini · 14/03/2019 01:27

#hollowtalk
I honestly don't know what I'm still doing with him. I have no friends and family live far away so I guess I'm scared to be alone
I've got nothing going for me tbh - I don't drive, no social life & I'm quite introverted I love just hiding away reading my books

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/03/2019 07:06

But you're alone right now!

Being on your own can be wonderful.

notapizzaeater · 14/03/2019 07:08

What would you miss ? He's rude, smelly and not bothered about you.

PurpleWithRed · 14/03/2019 07:20

Well we can’t see any reason for you being with him either. Alone can be lovely, certainly a lot better than sharing a space with a rude smelly person.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/03/2019 07:25

Being alone is far far better than being with someone who doesn't respect or value you.

As an introvert you will probably love it Grin And if you don't, you can shake up your life a bit to get out more. Possibly you don't currently cos you 'have' him.

Not cleaning teeth at least once a day, and bath or shower at least every other day, would be a deal-breaker for me. Going DAYS without is vile.

Cherim90 · 14/03/2019 07:32

No intimacy? Bad hygiene? And he sounds rude to me? If you really want to stay with him I'd sit him down no distractions and voice your concerns and give him a final chance and kick up the ass? :) but never be scared to be alone :) I've gone through some horrible break ups. One was with the father of my daughter but tell u something it was the best thing I ever did! Being alone is strange at first but you end up loving all the free time and your own company, that your standards will become high and you'll only accept someone good enough for you in the future :) someone who adores you and can't get enough of you!

lifebegins50 · 14/03/2019 07:37

How old are you Op?

Honestly being alone could be the best decision for you. Once you get over the fear of it you could thrive.
Learning to drive is no big deal, you can do it..seems you lack confidence in yourself.
Being with a man who doesn't desire or support you will add to that lack of confidence.

NabooThatsWho · 14/03/2019 07:40

Your standards are FAR too low. You deserve so much better than this.

Start building a life for yourself and get away from this useless minger.

lizzzyyliveson · 14/03/2019 07:46

Where do you want to be this time next year? You could move closer to your family or to a town that fits you better. Get a new job somewhere else and then the relationship will have a natural end.

Original poster
cosmomartini · 14/03/2019 21:24

Thank you everyone, I am far too easy going with him - it is unacceptable to be living with someone lime this
I am 24

OP posts:
HappyLife21 · 14/03/2019 21:29

Dear god, he sounds awful! I was going to say you’re too young to settle for this, but to be frank age has nothing to do with it!

funnylittlefloozie · 14/03/2019 21:33

I used to go out with a scaffolder - thats really hard, physical work, and he had a bath every night, and a shower most mornings. Like most normal adults, he brushed his teeth twice a day as well.

Your DH sounds disgusting and rancid, and i really cannot understand what you see in him. Wouldnt it be preferable to live alone? Do you work?

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 14/03/2019 21:41

Oh love! If you're 24 can you honestly see yourself being with him for another 60+ years?!

I have lots of cousins around your age and I'd hope they would find someone who makes them laugh, is kind to them and has similar goals for the future.

Oh and who they fancy the pants off!

Put your happiness first - it's easier to start a new chapter at 24 than it ever will be again!

CantStopMeNow · 14/03/2019 22:04

I don't drive, no social life & I'm quite introverted I love just hiding away reading my books
Same here. I'm 38 and happily single and childfree.
I only date people who make me feel like i look forward more to seeing them than spending time on my own.....though i still need plenty of alone/downtime to recharge from the social hangover.

Seriously, start respecting yourself and raising your standards.

As for his constant interruptions after asking you a question, it's a manipulation/gaslighting tactic used to make it seem as though he's interested in your life (when he actually isn't).
Have you ever confronted him about this?
An ex-bf tried it with me and after a few occasions i asked why he bothered asking if he wasn't going to listen and just interrupt, he gave me the excuses like "oh i had to ask about xyz before i forgot/but i DID let you talk afterwards"
Basically trying to subtly put me down whilst making himself look more important.

The last time he did it i just told him "do NOT interrupt me when i'm answering YOUR question!"
Then he stopped asking me because i'd insist on him listening to me before talking about himself.
I dumped him soon after - literally just told him it was over and refused to listen to his response, just spoke over him with "that's all i wanted to say, now i'm off to watch Eastenders - Lucy's gonna get killed tonight and i can't wait to see who does it"
Put the phone down and ignored all further calls/texts! Grin Grin

Original poster
cosmomartini · 15/03/2019 01:28

I just can't don't understand how he can not WANT to shower after a long day, now I've voiced it I realise it's so grim. He is not allowed in the bed, I said I'm not washing/drying/ironing bed clothes weekly just for you to lay your sweaty bollocks on them you can piss off to the sofa - now that has been happening for months. And yeah I work part time #funnylittlefloozy not a job I love but it pays the bills
I really can't see the next 60+ yrs with him! I want to be happy & to make somebody happy.
#cantstopmenow I'm working on building my confidence. I can't beleive what you said about your ex interrupting you cos 'I'll forget what I was gonna say'
HE SAYS THIS all the time, makes out he is doing me a favour by listening to me, now if he asks I just say my day was fine even if it wasn't. Haha eastenders murder mystery is way more important - did he bother you much after you ended things? x

OP posts:
ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 15/03/2019 07:26

@cosmomartini From someone who has stayed too long in some unhappy relationships before - some of the times I've felt THE most confident and empowered were when I've ended things with people who made me feel shit and walked the fuck away!!

Honestly it's like the day you leave a job you hate or achieve a goal you've wanted or even (for me and maybe you) find a book series you LOVE and can't wait to snuggle into (a lovely clean) bed every night to get the next fix of it.

And trust me if you feel like this and it drags on until he ends it or you start constantly having nasty arguments with each other or he leaves and you feel powerless - THAT would suck.

You aren't happy. You DO have the power to change it. You have decades of life ahead of you. If you write a list of things you'd instinctively love to do in the near and distant future I bet none of them include him right? There's a reason - you aren't happy!

I hope you can summon the strength to walk away. It's worth it!

ShatnersWig · 15/03/2019 08:13

I am 24

On your previous threads about this wanker in January you were 27.

My bf of 4 years

Although on another thread he's been your bf of 2 years.

family live far away

Last time they were "busy"

it's just interruptions until I eventually say forget it

Last time you said he listens to your problems.

Not sure what all this is about OP. There's contradictions all the time and let's be honest - all your previous threads were about the fact that two years ago you caught him sexting a family friend and none of us could understand why you were still with him and said you should have left then, why not leave now. No mention then about all these other bad habits like not brushing his teeth or not showering.

What's going on?

Original poster
cosmomartini · 15/03/2019 10:55

shatnerswig I am sorry for the contradictions but I felt I needed to change some personal facts in case someone on here knows me. Yes he has cheated on me & I hate myself that I am still with him but he threatens his life otherwise - I need to be careful I'd hate to have that guilt on me if he did anything. When I said he listens to my problems...he does EVENTUALLY but only after numerous interruptions & the not showering/ brushing teeth I've noticed the last couple of months

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 15/03/2019 11:40

Move out as soon as you can. If he kills himself it isn't your fault. He won't kill himself anyway, abuser 101. He knows how to manipulate you that's all.

Get out.

OliviaBenson · 15/03/2019 11:57

He's manipulating you into staying with the suicide threats. It's textbook.

Please find a way to leave him, you'll be set free.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 15/03/2019 12:09

@cosmomartini Right, tough love time - what's the plan? Are you happy to spend the rest of your life with him or do you want to start the steps to moving onto a new chapter?

Lots of people have given you thoughtful and considered advice, many from experiences similar to yours, tell us what you are thinking about the future so we can continue to share our experience and maybe provide advice if you'd like it.

Nobody is going to tell you to put up with feeling this way but it doesn't seem you are really keen on taking a proactive step in moving on - of course you don't have to but it may help you to start thinking about the future and what you want from it, rather than being caught up in the day to day situation.

Not trying to be bossy - you don't owe us anything - but we all want you to be happy after reading how shit you're feeling Thanks

stacktherocks · 15/03/2019 12:34

It genuinely blows my mind that anyone could be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t brush their teeth or wash themselves every day. It’s a real strong indication that you have no self respect and think that’s the best you can do. Jesus.

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/03/2019 22:18

@shatnerswig are you CID by any chance? 😂

Op seriously though he stinks, he's a cheat, no sex, an ignorant fuck and manipulative ...What more is it going to take??

People who genuinely want to commit suicide don't tell you, kinda defeats the object

You could read your books in peace minus the stench of festering trash.

Bliss

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/03/2019 22:31

He threatens to kill himself? (Yawn)

Let him get on with it--he sounds way too self-obsessed to actually do it but if he does, one less stinky fucker in the world.

Woman up and dump the loser!

Honeybee79 · 15/03/2019 22:57

Better to be single than be in a relationship like this. He sounds awful. Being single can be liberating and so much fun. You're only 24 - embrace life without him.

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