Recovering / alcoholic husband

[Anon39]

Please ignore the silly user name I didn’t want my husband to find me asking questions as he stalks my internet, okay I need some help / talk things out
My husband is an alcoholic in denial the last few years have been awful I have been to the police and had him arrested I have been to court and had a non molestation order and he somehow makes me feel guilty like I am over reacting
Please excuse the typos and the lack of coherency in the text but my brain feels scrambled and I am trying to get everything down as I see and remember it
Anyway at court he said he wouldn’t drink anymore which lasted a week and then he changed it and he says he is going shopping but really he is going the pub he thinks because he isn’t drinking in the house it’s ok
I try and explain I am not happy I am not happy with everything I think I want a divorce but please don’t think I am an idiot I am not I have a fully time job my i Tim a successful life in all respects he just knows how to push my buttons
I push him away all the time and I pretend that everything is ok but I don’t want to live like this we have two children
I went to the doctors today to say I need help I feel so anxious and tearful all the time when I got home my husband asked me what had been said and I told him I don’t feel well and he basically said I have stopped drinking you asked for this and you got it and you’re still not happy
Am I being manipulated he makes me feel bad about everything why aren’t I allowed to feel sad I have been through months of abuse (I haven’t wrote about it as this post of long enough)
Has anyone been here where I am ? How can I fix this I don’t want to be upset all the time I don’t want my husband to drink but even if he was sober I don’t think I want to be married to him anymore but he won’t take my thoughts into consideration as far as he is concerned he wants to be married and that’s that

Hello Anon39, I know exactly where you are coming from, it’s so painful, I have bren married to a alcoholic for 32 years although been together 42, it’s gotten worse over the years and we are now separating as I cannot go on anymore, children late 20’s but it’s affected them, I wish I left years ago as I feel guilty as hell. Things won’t change I guarantee it. Please leave, they are selfish and will always put themselves first, always blame you, they never take responsibility. It’s made me very ill but now I’ve made up my mind to separate I’m feeling hope. Addiction is horrendous. I really feel for you. 🌺

You do not need his permission to end this marriage. If you want out because you are at the end of your tether with all the abuse, lies, deception and broken promises, then you tell him so and start the process. From the little you have said about him in this post, it is clear he has no intention of changing his ways and worse still, is throwing it all back on you so you end up with spaghetti brain and going to the GP to seek help for problems that are caused solely by having an alcoholic in your life. Can you get a week or so away, maybe on your own or with good friends, in order to clear your head about the best way forward for you? You have some really great positives here: you know you want out and you have your own means of support. Please don't waste any more time or effort on someone who has made your life a misery for far too long now.

Thank you I love that phrase spaghetti brain that’s exactly what it is like, I know he won’t change I have come to that conclusion but it seems so difficult to extract Myself he never leaves me alone always demanding my attention and affection when I can’t bear him near me he says I can’t hold the past against him but I honestly can’t move forwards from it does that make sense ?
He had two private lap dances at Christmas and I feel sick to my stomach that he has so much control over me
I have booked a holiday with my friend soon when my little boy is away and I am planning on therapy

Exactly what Home says, spot on. It’s so bloody draining. It’s sounds like you know what you have to do and you want to do it. It’s a crap life living with an alcoholic. So please don’t.

Currently your little boy does not have any effective parents attuned and attending to his emotional needs. He will not flourish and he will be emotionally damaged. You won’t see the signs in childhood but his relationships and adulthood will be flawed. Take a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics website to see how it all pans out.

His Dad is an alcoholic so is either pissed, hungover or craving/obsessing for a drink and therefore never positively or proactively engaged with his son.

His mother is preoccupied, consumed with bitterness / rage and physically and mentally exhausted with managing the alcoholic. Her finite emotional energy is prioritised and directed to the alcoholic.

So your son has lost two parents to this. You are the only one who can drop the rope with your DH so that you can give your son at least one parent. Enough time has been wasted and damage done. Your son needs to be your 100% focus to turn this all around.

"...he says I can’t hold the past against him but I honestly can’t move forwards from it does that make sense ?"

It makes perfect sense: he's talking about past events, incidences. Of course they are in the past. It is what they represent which is still very much in the present: lack of respect for you, a lack of care and love and manipulation/abuse. How can you possibly move on in your relationship with him when, fundamentally, nothing has changed?

I would also say that you would be doing yourself a huge favour if you learn to identify and label his behaviours ie to recognise that when he does xyz, this is called "minimising", the effect of which is to try and downplay unacceptable behaviour to make you look like you're the unreasonable/crazy one. There are, unfortunately, many more (look up "gaslighting", that's a fun one). Once you recognise the various tactics that are used to control, abuse and manipulate you, you will have so many light bulb moments and it will all start to fall into place. You will see exactly what you've been dealing with and start to feel mentally much stronger and better equipped to move towards a happier future.

There is a huge amount of information just in these threads alone but also some links at the top of the page here which you could look at to start with. Best of luck