DD and her friendship issues

[OrigamiZoo]

DD aged 10 is having some friendship issues. She had a best friend who moved away when she was 7. She then became friends with two girls A&B who were already best friends and their mums are very good friends. This seemed to work for a long while but of late, it seems she is constantly left out of games. The two girls always choose eachother if they need a partner, they will be at an event and then run off to be together leaving DD on her own. If one can't make it to something, (playdate) DD will get asked instead. A will say to her, B couldn't come. They give eachother expensive birthday gifts in front of DD, and get DD a craft kit (I know this is as much about the mums as anything but it is still upsetting).

One of the girls is a show off about her stuff and the things she can do - from musical instruments she plays to gymnastics and her holidays. They are both currently talking about their new bedrooms due to lofts being done out - DD shares with her sister.

When they leave her out, DD then gets sad, she says why, they try and cheer her up, nothing changes and then the events are repeated.

I have suggested:
She play with other girls in her class but she says there is nobody else in the class she wants to play with.
She write to her former best friend (we are still in touch) and re-establish that relationship
She message her 17 year lovely cousin for advice who she has become close to

We have played the glad game - listing things to be glad about but she was so glum she found it hard to be glad.

I have said that she needs to tell them again how upsetting it is.

I want to speak to the mums concerned but DD thinks if I get involved they won't be friends with her anymore.

I have been here myself so this is all too familiar.

Any thoughts or help, please?

Is she Year 5 or 6?

I would aggressively start play dates and sleep overs with some other friends from school or any activity she does.

So keep the AB friendships but really actively encourage and support other friends.

You can't force A and B to be more friends with your DD that's not fair. Talking to the mothers isn't going to achieve anything..

You need to maybe get her to join clubs and activities whereby she meets new people. When she will be in secondary school she will meet lots of new people as well. I would encourage her to be friends with other people not just a and b

She is in year 5.

She doesn't do so many other group activities (musical rather than sporty) but we are looking at something for Saturday mornings, I will try the playdate option.

Any thoughts on how to handle their actions - they say they are all friends together but clearly it is not working that way. DD is a very kind and tender soul so she is struggling to understand them being what she perceives to be as 'unkind, the running away and leaving her and never choosing her as a partner but then when it is convenient, asking for playdates to step in when one or the other can't attend and moaning about each other to DD! She very much sees them as her best friends.

Don’t teach her that being optional is the way to go - she is much better than that.

She should be congratulated for acknowledging her feelings of rejection and spotting unkind behaviour and should be encouraged to move on to make new friends with nicer girls.

It seems that the girls know what they are doing in reality. Your daughter has told them but they haven’t changed their behaviour so either don’t care enough that they are upsetting her to stop or are forming a bond through it. Not sure what you could say to their Mums that would really change this but a fall out might be in your DD’s best long term interest.

It’s so hard though. Can you encourage other friendships via out of school activities? Can a teacher help identify who she spends time with?

It is parents evening soon so I could have that chat.

Absolutely, @another20. I've been in the same position as her and it is not good for the self esteem!

Invite other girls round, different one every week if you have to. Facilitate other friendships, you will need to really work at this. Have other parents round. . Join guides.

Please build a friendship base for her outside of school. It will help her confidence at school. Continue to encourage her to spend time with other different girls at school. Write a friendship chart - ask her to pick three other girls besides these two who she thinks are nice people and suggest you invite them over (one by one). If she is short on ideas ask her who she sits next to.

I think as well because you have been there yourself that this is cutting deeply for you - honestly - lots of school children are the third wheel in a group of three. Things will change when she hits high school. I tell me children the best way to get a best friend is not to choose someone who already has a best friend.

lots of school children are the third wheel in a group of three. Things will change when she hits high school.

When I was at primary school I was the "sought after" friend. I have no idea why except maybe that I punched the school bully that time and broke his nose

I went to secondary and things completely changed, I was now the outcast. Lots of shit going on at home so think my attitude changed. I would definitely not have accepted going to any type of extra curricular activity so if your DD is resistant please don't push her.

I went through very similar in year 9, it spoiled that whole year and took me a long time to realise it was a form of bullying. I did realise though and put distance between us. I didn't talk to my mum about it, was just utterly miserable and hurt that they would go out of their way to avoid me. I eventually forged another friendship that was my saving grace.

I would talk to school, explain the situation and ask that they encourage her to work alongside other girls (maybe by pairing them up when they get opportunity etc) so a friendship can start more naturally. Maybe try and get her to see it as a form of bullying so she starts putting some distance between them herself. I'm not suggesting they are sitting round discussing ways to make her life difficult but the feelings created by ostracising one person in a group whatever your intentions are the same. Best of luck to your daughter.