DH going for autism spectrum assessment

[Echobelly]

Be interested in opinions of anyone married to a partner on autism spectrum. DH has long wondered whether he is on the spectrum, I’ve never believed he is (I have known a few people on it, done special-needs related work, so fairly informed) but he’s going to an assessment about it shortly. And TBH I just want to discuss it somewhere!

I kind of feel like he’s hoping for a diagnosis because it might explain why he’s lost a few jobs, why he’s not good at managing his anger (though I don’t feel that’s an ASD thing, I think it’s a ‘coming from an explosive anger family’ thing), and he’s said outright he feels a diagnosis might help his parents accept him more because they’ve always seen his unconventionality as an act of rebellion against them when it’s just the way he is, and if there was a ‘reason’ for it, that would make them understand. Which I find sad.

As I said – he’s unconventional, sometimes overfamiliar with people, outwardly very extrovert but feels much shyer internally, finds it hard to remember things he’s been told unless he’s a receptive mood (which seems seldom when he’s not at work), very thorough in certain things (like project work at work) and not in others, says he often gets very absorbed in small sensory details and can’t tune out background noise at home (but not a problem at work AFAIK).

But (and I am aware these are all qualities that can be present in people with ASD too) he deals OK with changes, doesn’t need or even like a schedule, makes lots of eye contact, loves physical contact, fine with noise and crowds, understands humour just fine (I’ve never heard him be all ‘Huh? Why did you say that?’ in response to humour as I’ve heard in conversation with some people on the spectrum).

Personally I think he’s just highly intelligent, a bit weird and raised in a rather dysfunctional family. It’s funny, you always hear about people getting ASD diagnosis but never seen anything about ‘I went for a test and actually I was neurotypical’.

Not sure what you're looking for people to say. Autism is a spectrum, he's not going to tick all the boxes that you may have seen in others.

I'm on the spectrum and I love physical contact, and I get humour. We're all different!

Yeah I know. I'm not really sure what I want people to say. I just want to talk about it somewhere. I guess I'm quite interested in whether anyone's experienced a friend or family member assessed and not found to be on the spectrum and maybe where they went from them? Not suggesting there's anything fishy about assessment, just interested to know.

Sometimes attachment difficulties present in a similar way to ASD.

What you describe sounds very much like ADHD to me - have you thought about that?

He could be ADHD or have attachment issues. Equally, he could be HFA. I am. I don't present typically in lots of ways. But they don't give out diagnosis's willy nilly; I know lots of people who have been told they don't have autism after under going thorough assessments. It's usually very traumatic for them too as they see it as some kind of life raft. It is also more objective to get an assessment from the NHS rather than privately, in my opinion, as a private diagnosis is rather like buying a driving license or a degree rather than actually meeting the criteria for one, if you know what I mean?

Do you think he’d use it as an excuse?

Hard to say. My son is autistic and is fine with all the things you say your husband is fine with. Google triad of impairments as those are the things that lead to an actual asd diagnosis.

I struggled to get my head around ASD when DD was first diagnosed years ago. It as counterintuitive and looked like random collection of strange behaviours that is difficult to make sense of, until we went to the NAS fantastic Help course and it started to make sense. Eventually DH was diagnosed. We have a happy marriage and happy family, with our quirks and ups and downs like all people.

He found it very empowering and validating, it gave him many answers, so keep this in mind.

ASD is still poorly understood and there are many myth, some of them are legacy from early prejudices. So if I may I would say try to steer away from stereotypes and anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and cringy, just trust your first reaction. There is a lot of discrimination and even very active hate groups, try not let them pollute your thinking. And don't take on face value all those statements about 'incapable', 'has no this and that'. Just try to insulate yourself from this. I have 3 AS in my family and between them they bust all those myth. ASD is inborne and life long, so if he has it, he always had it, it is integral part of who he is. He is still the same man you know and love. Don't treat him differently. The dx will give some insight into the internal 'machinery'. DH articulates it as a different algorithm.

My husband got his diagnosis a few years ago, and it's really helped me understand certain things and has helped our marriage become stronger as a result. It's helped him too, previously he had depression as he felt so out of things. Now he understands he's 'wired differently' and had some counselling from an HFA specialist which has helped with easing the symptoms of depression.

I'm on a waiting list for assessment. I've always felt different & never fitted in, I don't really do friends, hate crowds, bright lights, loud noises. It's only been since DS was diagnosed ASD that I've wondered if I was, I've been treated for depression since I was 17 & I honestly think that what doctors have called depression have been traits of ASD.

He had the session - pt1 was a general discussion about his background and concerns, pt2 a long questionnaire of 'how much do you agree with this' type questions. Assessor said his questionnaire answers put him well below threshold of ASD, but she found that interesting in terms of what he said about himself in the first half, so they're going to get together again to probe some more.

DH spoke to a close, old friend (who now lives abroad and has a child on the spectrum) about it, and his friend was 'I know three people on the spectrum and you're not one of them to be honest', which accords with my view. Apparently when assessing they often ask to talk to a childhood friend, presumably as they can shed light on stuff and perhaps get past 'masking' techniques people may have picked up into adulthood.

DH is quite willing for the answer to be know, but, quite sensibly, he'd like ASD discounted before he goes further with therapy in general (he's been having some therapy with his parents and alone recently).

It's interesting to follow this thread. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and your description of your husband is extremely similar to me which is why I mentioned it earlier. I feel that a diagnosis has helped me to understand why I behave in certain ways and therefore helps me challenge certain things. For example, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria linked to the ADHD and this can make me feel almost suicidal at times. But recognising that it is my thoughts making me feel that way, and not the situation (which isn't as bad as my brain makes out) helps me move past some of the pain of it. However, I haven't really committed to meds and it hasn't been a fix. A revelation yes but my life continues as 'normal'.

So pursuing a diagnosis may help your husband understand a few things but it sounds like he is pushing for a diagnosis in the hopes for a magic fix. Understanding has been helpful for me but also brought up more questions and doubts. It has also impacted my working life and relationships, as I've felt the need to inform people, and then have been put down as a result. There's nothing worse than being treated like a naughty child when you're a high functioning adult

At the same time, it's OK to just be different and there isn't always a medical reason for this. People perfer certain things. Normal is a myth and quite frankly pretty boring!

It's funny because my mum says she's had chats with her best friend about how they share being married to very intelligent but emotionally rather difficult men... and she does sometimes say I've married my dad!