Coercive Behaviour

[Ge2503]

Im new to mums net and I just wanted to find somebody who has been through/in a similar situation to me..

Im 13 weeks pregnant. We have had our ups & downs like most relationships and we argue and things are said out of anger and I guess to me, I now see it as "normal argument" when it probably really isn't..

However on Monday I booked us couples therapy to speak about our problems, things in the past that upset us, leave them in the past and move on in our lives before our baby is here.

Today I received a phone call from the therapist telling me she's scared for me and insists if I stay with my partner I call womens aid and the police and inform them if I was to call in the future I will need help immediately. She told me he is controlling and is accusing me of awful things as he is trying to get into my head.

Im not going to write the whole ins and outs of our relationship and all our problems. I am just hoping someone is out there who can help me and advise me and talk about if they have been in a controlling and mentally abusing relationship because I am unsure what to think/feel at the moment.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

If your therapist is scared for you, think about that. Take her advice. Speak to Women's Aid, speak to the police. Take steps to protect yourself now, before your baby arrives. It will be so much harder once that baby is here.

Abusive, controlling people don't change. Your life can only get worse if you stay with him.

Surely that not how a therapist should act. I am pretty sure that even if she is scared for you, this isn't the way to go about it.

What happened in that session that has made her so scared for you.

She could be right and not handling this well. Or she could be completely wrong and shouldn't be in that position

Thank you TougheningUp & Frenchmontana.

My partner has come home from work and I got very upset telling him that the therapist had called me (I don't have anyone else to really speak to apart from him), I said that Im thinking to go away this weekend with the dogs to get some head space (he has his children from his previous marriage this weekend so he can have bonding time with his children) and he straight away says "if you're going away this weekend then I will go away the weekend after". Not sure he understands how serious and upsetting this whole situation is.

A lot was said in the session about how we both feel and I spoke of things he had accused me of in the past etc. things that were bang out of order however I chose to forgive him and move forward however deep down it still hurts. How he had been physical with me. How I suffered with depression and 3 miscarriages we had and so much more, it truly broke my heart Monday but I thought by bringing it to a head we could slowly get stronger again however thinking about it now I feel like a complete and utter mug putting up with half of the crap that I have throughout this relationship..

His first words should have been

"Oh God, are you OK? What happened?" and words of comfort. Not tit for tat/competitive passive aggression.

So while I think it was unprofessional of your therapist to call you, I think she is genuinely worried for you.

How he had been physical with me.

What do you mean? If domestic violence then please leave today. Pregnancy is often a trigger for abusers.

I feel like a complete and utter mug putting up with half of the crap that I have throughout this relationship

Don't waste your time and energy with giving yourself a hard time. Use that time and energy to plan moving out and on with your life.

I know this is an odd question but has he ever told you what happened in his last relationship or have you ever spoke to his previous partner?

Hi GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Ive never heard that pregnancy is often a trigger for abusers. Why is this?

He pushed my head on the over door and slapped my face, we were arguing but I was shocked he done this especially while I was pregnant.

Im so sad that he changed so much in our relationship and even more disappointed in myself for putting up with it so long. He put a recording device in my car last year, he goes down my phone when I'm sleeping and the thing is, I always make excuses for him. I think that he has had a hard time the past few years so he might be feeling bit insecure but as a matter of fact it isn't normal behaviour especially when he has no reason to act the way he does. I tried to get him counselling for a paranoia condition but he went once and never again.

Im grateful the therapist called, she told me that in 24 years of her working she had never felt so uncomfortable and worried for someone so she needed to call me and advise me. Its what I needed, instead of me forgiving constantly and brushing things to a side she really has made me open my eyes and see that I don't deserve this life and I refuse to bring a little baby into this sadness. I will leave and concentrate on my bump & my dogs x

Yeah we've spoken about his previous relationship, he has never been cheated on but he had cheated on his ex a few times with prostitiues... of which he denied for a long time but admits to it now. He says it was a long time ago but its still wrong. How a man can cheat on a women especially when that women has given you a child makes me so angry.

Sending you lots of love because I can imagine this is a very unsettling and stressful time for you. I think in my opinion for what it’s worth, you’d be protecting your child if you walked away and took care of yourself.

thank you Janemay21 xxx

I'm so glad you are going to leave. Your updates about what he did to you, plus previous cheating using prostitutes is appalling.

But please PLEASE so not tell him what your plans are before you are somewhere safe, far away from him. Text him if you have to.

What's your financial situation? Can you go and stay with family or friends in the interim? Definitely use this weekend to make your plans and get paperwork and finances in order.

I repeat, DO NOT TELL HIM until you are gone.

More information about pregnancy being a trigger here:

www.babycentre.co.uk/a563127/domestic-violence-and-abuse

Do not tell him you are thinking of leaving him until you are safely far away from him.

Make sure he can't find this thread if he does check your phone. Log out of Mumsnet, delete your browsing history.

He is horribly abusive and you are in danger. Get out, as soon as you can. Don't worry about taking your stuff with you: just take your money, your essential documents, and get out.

OP please listen to previous posters. I saw a counsellor many years ago to get things straight in my head. My ex was going through my bag, purse, diary, car - everything. He found her card and phoned her. She was so disturbed by his call that she rang me and advised me to keep safe, report him to SS (for neglecting the child who was screaming in the background) & make plans to leave. She had never done that before. Your partner is already ramping up the abuse- it will get worse. Speak to women's aid and put a plan together to get out safely. Protect yourself & your child - leave.

22 years ago I was admitted to a psychiatric ward after my now ex accused me of all sorts of things. He played the long game and painted me as quite dangerous to our baby.

22 years ago the psychiatrist who was assessing me told me that she was worried for me. She gave me a £20 note and told me to hide it and use it as a safety net so I could leave him when I felt safe enough with my baby.

I think you need to listen to your therapist. Give him no more information. Stop forgiving and organise your life without him in the future

Im grateful the therapist called, she told me that in 24 years of her working she had never felt so uncomfortable and worried for someone so she needed to call me and advise me

I'm glad she called you OP. I don't care how unprofessional some may think she is. Thank God for people like that who will intervene when they think someone using imminent danger.

Get out. & Look after yourself.

Thank you all for being so kind, I honestly wasn't sure what to expect when I wrote the post earlier today. I am so grateful to you all.

My finances are okay but joint with my partner. Shortly after we met he suggested opening our own business - I know do the computer side of that and deal with accounts/finances etc. I have also put all of my savings into an investment property with him and I don't have my own place anymore as I gave that up to live with him. Its a shit situation but I know I just need to stay positive.

Thank you all so much ill take all of your advice on board and I won't tell him my plans. All I care about is my baby & my dogs and ill be happy.