Where do I find the courage to move on?

[Fliss45]

Husband and I have been together for 17 years. I've lost all respect for him from his comments and his actions over recent years and no longer want to have sex (I sometimes do just to keep the peace for a few days / weeks). We are like flat mates. We've spoken about splitting up but he is adamant that he loves me and wants us to stay together. His actions and words most of the time tell me differently. I tell him he upsets me (and the kids), as he is grumpy and tries to be controlling so he makes an effort but then slips back into his old ways. He is not really able to change and if I'm honest I don't want him to now - it's too late. It is such hard work and I'm exhausted. I don't want to separate in a stereotypical, I don't want to upset the kids (age 9 and 10) but this morning we were talking about him (nothing to do with this obviously!) and my DD said "mummy - daddy is so mean most of the time, why don't you divorce him." Obviously I have been thinking about it and why I haven't done anything... 1) I only work part time and I am terrified of going it alone financially. 2) He has a lot to lose financially and I think he's going to be very difficult about it and I'm going to have a fight on my hands and I just feel exhausted all the time 3)It's not what I wanted for my kids to come from a divorced home - although appreciate living together is not good either. 4) My dad is terminally ill and has gone downhill with additional complications within the last month and I don't know if this is the right time. 5) Bizarrely part of me feels sorry for him - his Dad deserted him and I feel I'd be doing the same. He also has no friends and we don't have any couple friends any more. I just feel so stuck but also feel desperate that I can't carry on like this (he is constantly pestering me for sex and I'm having to bat him off on a daily basis - it's awful). I just don't know what to do (so i do nothing and the weeks go past). I know I'm not setting a good example about relationships to my children but I just can't seem to do anything - How can I get unstuck ?

The jump to taking action comes from the belief you deserve better. Do you think you deserve a happier life?

Divorce isn't pleasant but there is always an end and most women are happier when separated, as opposed to staying in a bad marriage. There is a court process that whilst not pleasant or ideal does guarantee that there is an end in sight. It may not be entirely fair but you will not walk away with nothing.

We all go through the fear of going it alone, financially you can make it work. Everyone eventually does.
What do you know about finances? Mortgage, house value, pensions and savings? You would be eligible to cms and you can see if any other benefits apply.

The first step however is to decide you will either live with his behaviour and manage the expectations accordingly or decide that you will leave.
I am sure your dad will be supportive, I would want my children to and happy especially if I knew my time might be limited.

There's never a good time. The pain and disruption will be real. In future, when free, you'll and the children will resent every day you delayed starting moving towards the new future.

I split for h back in November. Very similar to you. Married 17 years. Grew apart. He became grumpy and boring. I stayed for ages for the kids and thought I really couldn't afford to be alone BUT 4 months on and I'm coping. My kids are happier. He's at his parents and is very bitter about it all but I'm so much calmer and happier. We haven't sorted details yet re divorce etc. For now he's paying mortgage and that's it. It wasn't easy but I can see a light finally and truly believe I deserve better and so do my kids.

Thank you guys - some really helpful comments for me to think about here. Appreciate your kind words and not judgement x