Writing to ex

[falaff]

Hi,
Just want a quick opinion here. My ex was emotionally abusive. I keep running into him and he keeps trying to be friendly. I've told him not to speak to me but he keeps doing it, I think deliberately to some degree. It's upsetting me.

I tried to tell him today to not say hi etc but we just ended up arguing and walking off. He hasn't got the message.

I was going to send him an email reiterating this and I wanted to also tell him how he made me feel in a calm and factual way. I've read mixed reviews about writing letters to exes. I feel like I haven't properly told him how he affected me and I'd like to get it off my chest. I don't want an answer from him.

I am really bad at harbouring things and festering and ruminating, hence thinking about writing. The point of the letter would be closure for myself that I've had my say without being shouted down or argued with; I keep fantisizing about telling him these unsaid things and I can't stand how I haven't communicated this to him fo rmy own sake.

Thoughts?

If he is emotionally abusive, this is his way of continuing to abuse you
You’ve already asked him to stop. He hasn’t. Why do you think a letter will help?

Better to learn to accept what you cannot change and change what you can.
You can change your reaction to him. Don’t let him rent space in your head. See a therapist and move on.

You can say you don't want an answer from him, but you'll get one! I don't think think it's a good idea to write. You'd be giving him the satisfaction of seeing you riled. Just ignore him, and try not to think about it.

By responding to him you're giving him exactly what he wants. He wants to know that he still gets to you.

Thanks. I'm going to see a therapist so hopefully that will help. I'm not sure if I've been assertive enough and want to stand up to him. Basically I want to rephrase what I tried to say today but didn't get across because I find it hard to communicate with him. Hence the letter sent very soon after and just being very clear.

I've written it and left it in unsent and it was therapituc writing at least.

I think one of the reasons why I'm finding it hard is that I never managed to calmly tell him that he's abusive and that I'm glad I left and that he means nothing to me. I want to take the higher ground but whenever we've talked I've just gotten emotional so haven't been able to truly say what I feel. I find that really hard, like I haven't had my chance and had closure. I feel like he just thinks I'm the emotional crazy one when really I'm strong and know exactly what he's done to me, and I want him to know that. I feel like a defiant last word to close it and then blank forever would make me feel a lot better than harbouring this unsaid stuff.

I was going to suggest writing the letter and not sending it as that would be a cathartic exercise.

In the meantime, if you see him coming towards you, pull your phone out, start an imaginary conversation, look him in the eye, nod and walk on.

Writing it would be a good idea to help you but, sending it however would be a terrible idea

In my experience an abuser knows full well they are being abusive.
You need to work on healing yourself first.

For whats its worth I have wrote on a few occasions in the past and to be honest it felt good to get get down all the things I couldn't articulate. As long as you're firm you want nothing more of it then why not send It?
It shocked my exes but they left me alone after.

falaff: I understand wherre you are coming from, I have tried to make my ex see his abusive ways in the hope he will change for the sake of our kids. Two years I have tried.

Its hopeless, they either don't think that their behaviour is abusive, or they refuse to accept it is, and continue anyway. Write the letter, then burn it. Its quite therapeutic, and grey rock when you see him.

I wish I could be more assertive with my ex, I am getting there, we share 2 kids so I have to deal with him, but trying to keep it to a minimal.

He screws with my head, and actually I have learnt the more I try and get him to see the error of his ways the abuse just continues. Good luck and enjoy your freedom.

Don’t write the letter he will be pleased he is still having you think about him. Next time you see him just keep walking , just ignore. By sending him a letter you are opening the lines of communication, don’t do it.

No point trying to reason or put your case to him. Do your best to avoid him. If you run into him you're under obligation to speak to him. Be rude to him. You're allowed to ignore him.

Go to the website baggage reclaim and search for the 'Unsent Letter' guide. It's a BRILLIANT way of writing down everything you feel, every bit of hurt and anger and it really does feel like you've sent it to that person even though you haven't.

Having left an EA relationship myself, I learnt that explaining my reasons for leaving was pointless. Just because I felt a certain way and was hurt by that person, they clearly weren't taking in my hurt or caring - so what would telling that person do? Absolutely nothing.

What you have to do is go grey rock on this person. Ignore them, act like their contact does nothing to you. Fake it until it is actually the case. They do it to get a reaction out of you, and clearly that is working. It's time to change the pattern.

The letter just signifies he can still get to you and you still react to him.

You are not required to respond to his hi. Don’t acknowledge it. You told him to stop and that’s it.

Maybe write but rather than play into his hands by stating how you feel, write
I'm so sorry you're finding it difficult to move on from me, hense your need to have to talk to me at every opportunity. I feel quite rude on those occasions as whenever you see me I'm always very brief, rushing. I'm really busy currently. Hopefully you can find someone to be there for you eventually. Bye

Pants, sorry, pressed send.

That way he's going to feel really self conscious of approaching you. You feel better by knocking him down a peg and next time he sees you he'll hopefully cross to the other side of the road. X

Best advice I was given after leaving my abusive exes was to live well, and block and ignore on all levels.

The letter may help you, but I wouldn't send it. Just more ammunition for him to throw at you.

Next time he approaches you in the street, say 'can't stop, am busy' and keep walking.