Such a difficult relationship with my mother

[itsboiledeggsagain]

Every time I see her it takes about a week to get over it, as she is so critical and it makes me really sad and down in the dumps.

Dh is great but it wears us both out chatting about it all. I maintain the relationship for family sake and for my dc to have a relationship with their grandmother but i am starting to rethink it.

How do I make a decision about what to do? Therapy, dh or spilling the back story on here? Are those the options or does anyone have any more.

Fwiw I think that the mn consensus would be NC but it seems so drastic. I'm already LC.

If she is critical of you, why would you want her to have a relationship with your DC? One of two things will happen, she will either be just as critical of them as she is of you, or she will be critical of you to them, and they will start to see you as she sees you. Neither of these option are what you want for your DC. There is nothing magical about a relationship with someone who happens to be a grandparent. If she's a shit mother, then she doesn't deserve to be a grandmother.

Well you are not wrong there.

If she's not enhancing your life, but only making it worse, what's the point?

itsboiledeggsagain - I can relate completely. I feel badly for DH who is so good and patient listening to me, and she's the DC's grandmother. I don't want to slag her off infront of the kids - I have a similar dilemma.

I don't know the answers but I've found the advice given here really helpful trying to pull it apart.

I know that critical thing - it's so draining isn't it? And I end up hating myself because it bothers me so much and I know it shouldn't

Thanks I am pleased to hear it. Yes it is draining. It is definitely the worse relationship in my life and I feel the after shocks from the visit for ages after.

I suppose part of it is trying to work out how my behaviour affects this. We don't have much to say to each other - she is so uninterested in my life that I don't take an interest in her life any more. She mostly used to just complain about my dad so I couldn't bear to ask how she was all the time. But she never really says anything complementary to me and if I think about I don't say much like that to her. We had such a Wierd visit this week and she left early, which was not only exceptionally unhelpful as I asked her for some (emergency childcare help) but also just hurtful. But she has mentioned anxiety before and I wonder if that is at play in which case it is hard to write her off.

Its not you, its your mother.

Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, I daresay you would not have done. Your mother is no different.

Its not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way (her own family did that, what if anything do you know about her own childhood because that would give clues). She may well say anxiety but it may not be the case and in any event its never been addressed. Its being used as an excuse for her overall poor behaviour. My guess too is that she reserves all her emotional bile for you solely. Low contact too often leads to no contact, nothing wrong with that. Its saying no more to being abused.

You do mention your dad albeit very briefly here. Is he in your life at all now or has he since died?.

Do not let your own FOG here (fear, obligation and guilt) further cloud your thinking. I would suggest you further lower all contact levels with her because you're getting nothing positive from this and you are maintaining a relationship with her at all for all the wrong reasons i.e. your DC. Would you talk to your DC in the ways your mother talks to you; hell no.

You do not need her approval now, not that she would ever give this to you anyway and you're probably hoping against hope here that she is going to change and or say sorry to you. Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally altered since that time.

Why would you at all want to subject your DC to her; children do need grandparents yes BUT they have to be emotionally healthy people to be around. She clearly is not. If the other set of grandparents are nice to be around concentrate on them. Do not keep setting yourself on fire to keep your mother warm.

You may want to read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and find a BACP registered therapist (one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment). Interview such people carefully and at length before deciding, they are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits.

Thanks for this. Only saying what I was expecting tbh.

My dad is in a care home in her town. I have previously just visited him but it is really making a point as it is a long way. Other grandparents are in comparison just wonderful in every way. Like they read the dc a story or ask them about their lives.

I have never really confronted her as that is not a family dynamic in my childhood family. Is it worth it? She doesn't take feedback well.

'I have never really confronted her as that is not a family dynamic in my childhood family. Is it worth it? She doesn't take feedback well.'

I think you've answered your own question there OP. I have a similar situation with my mother, I'm still LC with her. I was in therapy for several years and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I can't recommend it enough. The process will help you to realise the impact that your mother's behaviour has on you and to become more aware of your feelings about her. Talking to a professional who is trained to listen without an agenda is so healing