Dh CBA arranging (or even suggesting) things to do. Wwyd?

[Gaolbird]

Dh works away a lot, and in his free time there, will eat out, go drinking, sightsee, go shopping etc at practically every opportunity. Usually with colleagues.

Yet he rarely arranges or suggests things for us to do, esp as a couple. We do have young children, but my parents live close enough to babysit, and have offered many times. Because he's away, we rarely have a proper family holiday, usually I take the DC way with my sister. Dh sometimes joins us for part of it if he's not working away from home. He has only once arranged a few days holiday when I pointed out he'd never done it before. It's usually me who arranges (us) going to see films, or weekend days out with DC, he suggested something the other week (after I'd yet again mentioned his lack of involvement ) and he got arsey because it wasn't something the DC wanted to do, so he got on his high horse about making the effort but noone wanting to.... Whereas I'd try and choose something the DC would actually like to do.
I've mentioned his lack of involvement a number of times, nothing has changed. I was accused at one point of just wanting him to entertain us when he's back, he completely missed the point that I'm 'entertaining' the kids all the time he's away (which is substantial, and includes weekends and holidays) and don't want to be the only one doing it.

What now? It seems it's easy for him while away as he puts little personal effort in and has a fantastic time. But I'm becoming increasingly resentful that he's doing lovely things without us, and not wanting to expend any effort to do nice things with us. I shouldn't be the only one making that
effort, surely? Wwyd?

Honestly, I would be ok with him not planning or suggesting stuff as long as he went along with my plans. Mainly because I like organising days out, holidays, trips and events. This suits me and when he does suggest something I struggle to not shoot it down as I will have already made my mind up about what we should be doing. My DP shows his love, consideration and affection in other ways.

I would hazard a guess that your DH doesn’t organise stuff when working away and doesn’t always enjoy it. I don’t think this is your issue.

It’s probably more the case that he is not engaged or present with your life and that of the children when he is there. Possibly that he has checked out or doesn’t know how to shift emotionally and practically from his life working away into being a husband and a father. The return home can often be a point of conflict in these situations. He is tired and still stressed from work. You and the kids are excited and looking forward to seeing him.

There are techniques that help with this. It can just be shutting down work life before he gets out of the car on a Friday night. Phone goes off, issues are parked and he spends 5 mins clearing his work head so he is present in family life.

Mainly because I like organising days out, holidays, trips and events.
I don't though, it feels like a chore now, which he should be sharing when at home!

I would hazard a guess that your DH doesn’t organise stuff when working away and doesn’t always enjoy it.
No, he absolutely does enjoy it. There's no pressure to go along on those things, and he posts on FB in glowing terms about what he's up to.

Phone goes off, issues are parked and he spends 5 mins clearing his work head so he is present in family life.
That's part of the problem though. Nothing I say makes him more present in family life. He's away at the moment for a few weeks, since Sunday. DD said last night that she hadn't even noticed he'd gone. That's how involved he is. He's home in time for dinner when not working away, so it's not as if he only gets back after DC are in bed. Nothing I have said so far has had a noticeable effect on his interactions or efforts within the family. Yes, he may be stressed at work, I also have stress, and it's not a cop out from being a good, proactive husband and father.

as I will have already made my mind up about what we should be doing

^ gosh and TT

I'm not sure that, in your position, I wouldn't just organise my life and that if my children around my other friends and family and also as a little unit without his input or necessarily taking him into account. You can tell him your plans and, if he's free, he can join in. Post your own pictures on FB.

He sounds semi-checked out and rather self-absorbed and he himself needs to make some positive changes if he is not to become distanced from his own children as well as from you.

"He's away at the moment for a few weeks, since Sunday. DD said last night that she hadn't even noticed he'd gone. That's how involved he is."

I know this doesn't take the burden of organising from you but, realistically, how likely is he become any more involved in his family than he currently is?

Perhaps, however, if he sees you all getting on with your lives in his absence he may begin to see that he is actually missing out on something good with you all and, hopefully, become a bit more involved in a more positive way. Worth a try?

Perhaps, however, if he sees you all getting on with your lives in his absence he may begin to see that he is actually missing out on something good with you all and, hopefully, become a bit more involved in a more positive way. Worth a try?

I've been trying this for years, happy. He'll just sit back and let me, and think all is OK because he's coming along. We've had the same conversations about it for a long time, he'll say he'll make more effort, but I don't see it. I'm tired of running my/DC lives without any input I haven't had to nag for. Tbh, it's making me think he cares more about spending quality time with his exciting colleagues than his own family. I never wanted to be a single parent, but I pretty much feel like one a lot of the time, without the physical aspect of a relationship a lot of the time, but also the mental/emotional support too.

I feel for you I really do. Unfortunately I think some people check out if their marriages when they have children. My STBXH was exactly the same. Perhaps go and do something I your own and let him have children it might make him realise what he is missing out on and put more effor into family days. Xx

Then he's behaving not only selfishly but foolishly too, which he'll find out as his family grow less and less emotionally attached to him over the years. Nobody to blame then but himself. Silly man.

I have part of your problem. In the 20 years that I have been with my DH, pretty much everything we have ever done has been thought of and organised by me. We have 2DDs and it's exhausting trying to think of new ways to keep them entertained. Plus planning every holiday we have ever taken, and all the worry that entails. For us, this is the norm. I do get frustrated by it from time to time. But in the whole, I appreciate that he usually gets on board with what I suggest. He has many great qualities. Just not organising! My husband has definitely not checked out of our marriage, this is just his nature. But he doesn't do stuff with other people either, so that's different. If you have talked about this stuff and it hasn't improved, I guess you need to decide on whether or not you can live this way. Because, from my own experience, he is unlikely to change very much.

Thx 2018. He has it pretty easy wrt things being arranged which he'll tag along with. Would just be nice for him to make an effort sometimes. I do feel as if he's checked out.
Our roof spring a leak while he was away. I sent a photo of the water pouring in at the time. He hasn't asked about it at all. Not at the time, nor when he got back the day afterwards, or even when it rained next. Obviously I'd had it seen to, but he didn't know that (was in a non obvious part of the house). To me, that just shows his lack of involvement, and the extent to which he assumes I'll get all the crap done myself. Would have been nice for him to mention it.

He's detached from family life OP, and doesn't even give a jot that there's a hole in the roof?! Awful.

Get on with your own arrangements for you,and for you and the DC,leave him to it,unless he wants to step up, he can always do that or he can continue to be a taker from his own family