I've lurked on mumsnet for years, kidding myself that my husband was nothing like the abusive partners I read about, that when he shouted and insulted and lashed out it was my fault and if I could just fix xyz then it wouldn't happen again.... and so on and so forth... Anyway the violence got much worse since the birth of our baby four months ago and two weeks ago he grabbed my throat and strangled me while I had the baby at my breast. I realised that I couldn't bring up a child in that environment, called a friend and left. Reported to the police and going to court this week for urgent measures regarding custody (I'm not in the UK so the procedure might sound a bit foreign). I have somewhere to stay with the baby for a couple of months until I find somewhere permanent, money and a good lawyer, so my situation is really not as drastic as many you read about on here.
I have told lots of people, trying to get it out in the open, and everyone has been great. In my head I know I'm doing the right thing, the only thing I can do for my child, but yet I feel so guilty. Does this go away eventually? I've had a couple of run-ins with husband where he's been in tears and he left me a sobbing voicemail (shouldn't have listened but thought it might be someone else) and the sound is haunting me, even though I know I've cried just as much over the years and he would claim my tears were an attempt at emotional blackmail. I see couples with babies out and about and I feel sad that we aren't a happy family. Even though I know in my head we were never going to be, I still feel guilty for being the one to put an end to that possibility. I still imagine having conversations with him, telling him about my day (I wanted to tell him about riding in a police car, which is absurd since the reason I was in the police car was because I was reporting him) or I see a news item I think he should know about. Chatting to my friends I still say 'we did this' or 'we went to xxx'.
The other guilt I feel is at bringing a baby into the world with this man as her father. He had only been violent a few times before baby was born but there were lots of arguments which he always managed to make my fault, and I think I was selfish, kidding myself that a child would make things better. I love my daughter so much, and her smiles are the only reason I don't spend every day in floods of tears, but he is always going to be her father and I hope i can do enough to protect her.
People who've been in my situation before - did you feel like this and did it change? I feel like I should be angry at him for attacking me and for the years of abuse but I'm not. I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week as well, which I hope will help.