My parents split up 9 years ago when I was 15. They were/are very different people who married in their teens. My Ddad worked in a fairly demanding job and used this as an excuse to be lazy and not do any house work. He would spend most weekends doing his hobby alone rather than spend time with the family. He would play with me and my brother when we were young but rarely looked after us by himself. I think he just took for granted that my Dmum would never leave him because she was very against divorce.
My Dm was a SAHM but retrained when we were teenagers and got herself a job during school hours. She did all of the house work and pretty much all of the childcare too. She used to try to get my Ddad to help her but whenever he did she would say that it wasn't good enough and they would argue and she would redo his work and she wouldn't let him help again.
My DM always said that she would never divorce my Ddad. However all of a sudden my mum started going out and meeting friends and she was always on her phone. We thought she was regaining her social life and I was pleased for her. But then she announced that she wanted a divorce. At first my Ddad tried to win her back and she wouldn't back down so he agreed to split up. My Ddad moved out and me, my DB and my DM stayed in the house with my dad giving her money for child support and he gives her some money to help cover the bills on the house.
Admittedly I snooped on my DMs phone and saw that she was obviously messaging another man during this time. But when I tried to ask her about it she wouldn't talk about it and just denied everything. My DB and I ended up visiting my dad quite a lot in the first few months after they split as my Ddad was quite lonely by himself. My DM didn't mind and encouraged us to check up on him a bit.
After a few months my DM stopped going out and looking at her phone and started talking about messaging my Ddad again. But my dad had started dating my step-mum.
Since then my DM doesn't seem to have had any other relationships whereas my Ddad has remarried and had two other DCs and my SM is pregnant with their third. My Ddad has also really changed his behaviour around and he and my SM share jobs etc 50/50. My dad admits he wasn't a very good husband/father in the past but he is trying hard to be better now.
My DM has become increasingly jealous of any time we spend with my Ddads family. My and my DB still live with my DM most of the time but my DM doesn't really like us going to my Ddads. I quite often look after my half siblings. I enjoy spending time with them. But my mum is always making bitchy comments about it and saying they are taking advantage. She won't use their names an refers to them as those kids and my SM as that woman.
When I try to talk to my mum about it she won't and says that I'm making it up or trying to start an argument.
Recently its stared to become too much. During half term I was also off work and so I offered to look after my siblings for most of that week. My mum was working most of the week but she wanted me to go to a concert that weekend with her which I was happy to do.
All week my mum made bitchy comments about me taking the kids out and not making enough time for her. So that weekend I made it all about her. We spent the whole weekend in a nice hotel and I bought her loads of treats and I thought that we had a nice time together.
But once we got back my mum was back to making a fuss anytime I was at my dads.
Its my Dsis birthday on the weekend so I have arranged to take her for ice cream after school on Friday to celebrate. When I told my DM yesterday she started moaning about me spending time with them again. In the end I lost my cool and told her to get over it and move on and that its fault she is divorced in the first place and all her moaning just made me want to spend less time with her. She pointed out how much she has done for me over the years and how I should be more loyal to her. She also said that I spend too much time with those kids and not enough time with my actual brother.
I tried to argue back but we were just going round in circles so I walked away to try and calm
I felt awful and apologised this morning but my DM is still upset with me and since I arrived home from work all she has done is make bitchy comments again and complained about me going out on Friday.
I just don't know how to balance everything. I want to spend time with my dads family but I don't want my DM to be upset every time I go over there. My DM does a lot for us and I don't want her to think I'm not grateful but I want to be a part of my dads life as well.