Thinking of leaving marriage.

[GreenViolinCase]

I've been married for nearly twenty years. We have kids, some with significant issues, and it's not a particularly healthy relationship. He can be quite aggressive and angry, and has a sort of cycle of being sweetness and light, and then suddenly being really unpleasant towards me, and I find myself trying to talk him down and placate him.

I've always struggled with my sexuality, and our relationship is not based on me being sexually attracted to him (Which is something he has always known and been fine with, as long as I do have sex sometimes. He's not got a huge sexual appetite himself, so it's not been a big thing. There is religion involved, or was at the start of the marriage, which is why that decision was made)

But I am really getting to the stage now with my overwhelming not being especially interested in men sexually is beginning to bite. I'm not a lesbian, I'm bi as I do find some men attractive, but it's probably a 80/20 split. Every day I feel like I can't do this any more.

But I'm a child of divorced parents and I swore I'd never put my kids through it. And on top of their current problems, I feel like I'd be the most selfish person in the world if I left. But I'm living a lie, aren't I? I feel like a pretty terrible person as it is.

and been fine with, as long as I do have sex sometimes
Blimey OP - this must be soul destroying. That's awful to read.
Happy divorced parents are far better for the DC than unhappy parents staying together for the DC.
Can you imagine the weight you are putting on their shoulders?
Living an unhappy life for them.
That's a big responsibility for them and something I'm sure, they have not asked for.
How many kids do you have?
Have you looked into separation and what it would look like?
Finances, access, benefits, housing, etc.....
If not then really look at that and see if it could work.
You get one shot at this life.
And living a half life is not the way to do it.

Better to be apart than to be so badly accompanied.

Do not stay merely because of what you told yourself when you own parents got divorced.

Do not live a lie and do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. What do you want to teach your children about relationships (think about what you learnt about those when you were growing up), is this the relationship model you want to be showing them?. Would you want this to become could become their norm too?. They won't say "thanks mum" to you for doing that and could wonder of you why you put him before them. What you're also describing re him is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. That is also why your relationship is really at an end.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?.

4 kids. And yes, what you're both saying is what I would tell a friend who said the same thing. But it's a very mature, well balanced kid who would see their mum leave their dad and know it was for the best. I have a couple who are really troubled, and I have no doubt at all would take a very long time to come to terms with that, however happy I was.

I'm also carrying almost the entire weight of their needs - going to appointments, dealing with the school, staying up for the endless nights full of tears and stress. I'm not sure I've actually got what it takes to add a separation into the mix too. Maybe I'm a coward too.