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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He tells me to get out every time

18 replies

walle123 · 12/03/2019 04:28

My husband always tells me to get out every time we have an argument. We live in his parents house in the basement. He is their only son. I may have said some things that angered him. I was in a bad mood and feeling depressed. He got laid off almost a year ago and hasn’t found work (he had some interviews). He said I have nothing to worry about as we live with his parents. I work full time in a somewhat stressful job. He has leg surgery coming up. I feel like he doesn’t want me around. We have been on some expensive vacations and he says i’m spoiled because I don’t cook and his mom does. We don’t have any children. I don’t know what to do, it hurts every time he tells me to get out, he apologizes sometimes. I feel like staying late at work all the time but then I don’t get rest.

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 12/03/2019 04:39

Listen to the side of you that wants to stay late at work - it’s your conscience telling you to LTB.

Gaolbird · 12/03/2019 04:40

Why don't you? Sounds like you'd be better off going it alone right now. Can you rent a place yourself based on your wage, or flat share until you've saved a bit? You need to start looking a bit long term - why did you spend money on expensive holidays if you're living in his parents basement? Why don't you cook? Sounds a strange and unsustainable set up which needs change if you are both to appreciate and respect each other long term.

Middlrm · 12/03/2019 04:44

Save your money have a bolt option don’t holiday

Does he cook?? If not is he not spoilt considering he does nothing all day ?

Has he been job hunting?

You have to try to talk or if your past that and don’t want to it may be time to leave ( try talking first as presume you love him ) but if you are saying this in 5/10/15 years time and nothing has changed I would be really sad for you x c

walle123 · 12/03/2019 04:48

Thanks for your reply. He doesn’t ever want to move out. I get it as some families are like that. I have student loans to pay. We have a joint account, he contributes occasionally he said I think he has some money from before but he won’t disclose. He expects me to contribute to our joint account. I feel obligated but I don’t have many savings of my own.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2019 05:06

You don't cook? What does he do all day?

Leave, you won't regret it.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 12/03/2019 05:14

What things did you say that angered him? Your whole set up sounds rather dysfunctional. If you'd sooner be at work than at home then that sounds miserable. Do you love him and does he love you? If he never wants to leave his parents house are you happy to stay?

user1474894224 · 12/03/2019 05:18

You are both spoiled. I take it you are living rent and bill free. You need to start looking for your own accommodation.....if he asks why then explain you can't live like this when every time you have a row he tells you to leave. He's a boy who hasn't grown up. He needs to.

category12 · 12/03/2019 06:14

You have a job, you don't have kids, so just leave. He's a no-hoper, and he's nasty to you, so fuck him off and start again. Life's too short.

Ruru8thestars · 12/03/2019 06:28

Leave but make sure you take your share of the joint account

Arowana · 12/03/2019 06:34

He calls you spoilt for not cooking, when he’s not working and you have a full time job?? Wtf! He’s the spoilt one!

He won’t disclose his financial position to you and yet expects you to support him? He never wants to move out of his parents’ basement flat? He is horrible to you during arguments?

OP, I don’t think this one is a keeper.

NotTheFordType · 12/03/2019 06:41

Holy shitballs, get the fuck out.

Or you will be living with his parents FOREVER.

Surely you don't want that?!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 12/03/2019 06:44

He sounds a spoilt, selfish misery. Time indeed for you to get out, and never look back.

DonnaDarko · 12/03/2019 06:44

He's mean to you, not clear about his finances, wants to live with his parents forever, expects you to do "wife work" after working all day, hasn't found a job in over a year...

I'm confused as to why you're with him, unless his personality has drastically changed or he has some amazing redeeming qualities. You have no kids, I presume you earn enough to be able to rent at least a room; this sounds like a good time to start putting money in savings, and get out of there.

What exactly gets paid from the joint account if you live with his parents? Or his he just spending the money as he sees fit? I think you should reduce the amount you're putting in and save the extra as you're in a precarious position. He or his parents could kick you out at any time so you have no security.

DP and I are not married, and we live with his mum as we need to care for her. I know that I am also in a weak position so I have been working on saving as much as I can and paying off debts, too.

HK20 · 12/03/2019 06:45

I'd get out now! I don't see what kind of a future you'd have with a man who doesn't work for a year, lives in his parents basement, and still expects you to cook his dinner?!

You're better off without him...

ALannisterInDebt · 12/03/2019 07:00

You have a joint account that your salary goes into....and he helps you spend it? Hmm

He lives off you and his parents.

Run like the wind and don't look back!

hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2019 08:48

No kids.
No mortgage to worry about.
This is a complete no-brainer!
THIS will be your life for the next 20-40 years!
Just no.
Life is way too short for this crap.
Please get yourself away and free from this asshole.
You deserve only the best.
Stop putting money into the joint account.
If he wants money he can get a job.

Musti · 12/03/2019 09:36

He treats you like this whilst you're still fairly independent with no real ties, imagine when he has you trapped with children. I'd leave him and start a life on your own and so you get to meet someone who respects you and wants to contribute to your relationship.

abcriskringle · 12/03/2019 16:09

I'd take his advice and get out as fast as you can. This is a terrible set-up.

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