Interfering in-laws making me stressed

[Flo2045]

Looking for some advice on how I should deal with this situation.

I have always got on alright with my in-laws but sometimes they just overstep the boundaries and this weekend was the final nail in the coffin!

I am very laid back and don’t really set many guidelines as I believe if someone is looking after my 1year old child I trust them enough, I just like schedule with sleep/ feeding guidelines to be followed.

I’ve asked a few times (politely) for in-laws not to feed finger food on a spoon to my son. First time I said this 10 seconds later I caught mil feeding strawberries on a spoon. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve mentioned it now. I’ve also asked for them not to directly place food in ds mouth and since then I keep getting comments of ‘as long as he eats’. On ds 1st birthday in-laws were round, ds was creating in his high chair and it was clear he wasn’t hungry. 1 min later fil said to mil ‘I don’t care as long as he eats, put it in his mouth with your hand’. I am raging! He clearly said this so I could hear. Partner agrees with me about this being disrespectful and says he will speak to them.

This isn’t the first issue. The day after they kept pestering me to give him a drink before his meal. I said no because he will fill up on water but they still kept asking until I had to be blunt and then they gave me the cold shoulder.

Other incidents include:

• not following nap schedule for 6 months (this only got sorted as I turned visits into supervised ones at my own house). He now sleeps like a dream at theirs (goes one day a week)

-I mentioned something about partner being tired and mil told me I needed to start doing more and to give partner a break-This was like a red rag to a bull and I told her that nobody tells me that I need to do more. -DS crying after falling and putting his arms out for me for mil to swoop in and take him. -I prepared dinner for ds and fil telling me they will feed him and that I should leave the kitchen. Let this slide and checked on ds 10 min later to be told it’s be better if I left because I’m distracting him -turning up unannounced to see ds. -force feeding ds telling me they shovel the spoon in when he’s distracted after I’ve specifically said I’d prefer if he ate ‘non messy foods’ himself and once he stops I know that he’ll be full. -telling me I need to make more effort to contact them to arrange for them to see ds-he goes for a full day once a week.

Tbh it was the birthday incident that has peed me off the most. I intend on saying something next time I see them but would like some advice on how exactly I should do this. Partner thinks the nice approach and explaining why we have made decisions is the best approach and not to mention that they are out of order but I am sick of dancing around them?

You sound a bit precious and not laid back. I can understand that it must be a bit annoying but feeding a child with a spoon isn't tenuous etc . I think you need to chill out a bit and let the grandparents look after him a little bit in their own way. They're not doing anything majorly different and nothing damaging.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff Please would you mind linking to Flip Flop's thread? I've searched but can't find it under that Username?

Thanks xx

I would be annoyed
I am trying to do baby led weaning with my baby as I was spoon fed a lot as a child and as a result, have poor appetite control
I just keep shovelling food in my mouth as I have learned to bypass my satiety cues

So I really try very hard with DS not to over feed him and let him decide

It's hard for my parents as their way of showing love is with food so they keep trying to stuff food in his mouth. So I've been very firm with them and also will never allow unsupervised contact

Because you are completely overstating facts.
Someone 'force feeding' someone is a pretty serious allegation.
Offering a toddler food on a spoon is not being force fed. I don't have to know someone personally to call them out when they are saying ridiculous things on a public forum.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff Never mind I found it! Thankyou, I needed that giggle! Xx

If a child is refusing food by turning his head away and then having a spoon with food put into his mouth I would call that force feeding

At this point it's up to the OP how she wants her child fed

They will probably do all sorts you disapprove of with him, even as he gets older and you will never know. The question is, is it worth the free childcare?

You are very laid back and do not set many guidelines??

It’s the 21st century and I don’t feel children really need their grandparents anymore. Families are bigger, more siblings, more friends at nursery etc. This happened with my DM and her partner except it was the extreme like cutting an awful box fringe in DD’s hair when I’d just grown it out. Allowing her to play in an unclean room where there was dog piss on the sofa and carpets. The dog itself launching at her and drawing blood. I could go on! I’d go low contact if I were you, maybe a visit once or twice a month but never alone if they cannot abide by you. If you don’t take charge they’ll think they can do as they wish forever and that won’t be good for any of you. Hope it works out and you’re less stressed

It all sounds like "six of one, half a dozen of the other". Your OP does not read as if you are laidback to me, quite the opposite in fact, but equally I probably wouldn't like the feeding thing and they clearly don't respect your views on that.

This is obviously how they "parent" and there's little you can do about it if they are unsupervised with your DS. You can't really list instructions to people who are looking after your kid for free. Find alternative childcare for that day. It's really not worth a family drama over.

Sorry Bing Live. I think we are in different time zones. Here's the link anyway for others
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3518675-To-move-and-not-tell-the-in-laws-very-lighthearted?msgid=85406118

OP, referring to my earlier comment. Although I think you have to be clear rather than just "nice", I still think its better for family harmony in the long run to be diplomatic at least at the outset. You need to consciously bombproof the situation. EG they dont need to feed your son while you are present.

You are very clear on what you want in this thread, you have to convey that clearness to the Inlaws. They are probably set in their ways and don't even realise they are being a bit overbearing. You and DP have the right to bring your son up in the way that you both see fit and they need to accept that and understand that over the last 30-40 years or so there have been changes in how people parent.

If you have a prepared answer for some of their comments/actions ie the over feeding and can get them to talk about it rather than having them go off in a huff, that would be better all round. I accept that this will not be easy and you will need the skills of a diplomat, but also be prepared to stand your ground even though there may be strong resistance from them.

well! I dont think I would ever agree that friendships through nursery etc would trump the relationship a child can have with a loving grandparent, 21st century or not.

Ignore the haters on here op. I hear you. What you're saying in a nutshell is you feel your being overridden as a mother. It may be subtle to the outside world but many a daughter in law will sympathise with your plight. Your mil should have the sensitivity to know that you as the child's mother are sensitive to your child's needs and ultimately should respect your decisions (however 'petty' they can be construed as) it sounds as though she's asserting her authority over you and your DC. Don't let her. It'll start out subtle and get more blatant. Limit contact. Don't 'have a word' with her. She'll turn it on you and play the victim next time she does something you've asked her not to. Tell her. Firmly and assertively then politely change conversation. Don't make it a big deal. You'll feel empowered by it. It's easier said than done but it will pay off. If you have to rely on her for childcare-on that one day a week try to blank out your mind as to what she may or may not he doing. You'll have to suck it up to a degree. Don't ask what she's fed him or when he napped if you can help yourself. Then when he gets home for the other 6 days carry on doing what you always do. Good luck.

Also there are people on here who think that offering free childcare means you should tolerate them giving your child a bottle of orange juice laced with crack and the grandparent relationship is sacred even if your grandparents are Fred and Rose West.

really snuggy? so playing 'here comes the choo choo into the tunnel' with a fucking petit filous is likened to giving crack in a bottle of orange juice?

Well it all depends on whether the parents want their child spoon fed or given orange juice full of crack. Why should parents be happy for their choices to be undermined?

i guess its all about compromise and picking your battles, sure, if your child is put in to real danger by its grandparents then that is a different argument, if however a parent gets its knickers in a twist over fairly petty 'rules' being infringed then have the courage of your convictions and pay the £50/60 a day childcare.

Unfortunately as ever, free childcare comes at a price.

It is really frustrating that they are doing listening to you, but as PP have said if you get free childcare this is one of the risks.

Personally I wouldn't use them for childcare but visit when I'm present.

Sorry I think you are overreacting too. My DM and DF didn’t look after DD 100% how I would have liked but I was so grateful that she got to spend time with loving family whilst I worked. If you send them to nursery or a childminder they will still won’t be looked after exactly as you wish. The only way to do that is to look after them yourself.

As pp have said, the only route to ensuring they don't break your rules is not using them for childcare. It really does come down to that. If this is really stressing you, bite the bullet and change your arrangements. You can explain it time and again to them but they're not listening. Actions speak louder than words.