DH erectile dysfunction making me feel awful

[lavenderhedgehog]

Sorry this is a sensitive subject, but cannot ask family or friends.

DH smokes cigarettes about 5 a day and drinks more than the nhs guidelines, he is overweight in the middle the past year (think bereavement has has this effect as he is no longer as busy with caring as he was so he now has a pot belly). He is 42 and I am 32. We have DC one 14 and one 10 and both work but not hugely stressful jobs or a lot of hours.

Gradually over the past couple of years, he doesn't get hard without a lot of effort and manual stimulation. He used to get hard just with foreplay!!

This has co-incincided with me being diagnosed with lupus a couple years ago and losing half of my hair due to the lupus and the steroids to treat it ): ): and also my figure is not what is was when we met especially my stomach, although his isn't either.

I feel unattractive now due to the lupus hair loss and weight gain around the stomach. He is adamant nothing has changed and that he is still attracted to me, but most of the time he struggles to get an erection before sex, we have foreplay for a while and he is just limp. I have to manually or orally stimulate for a while but once it works and is 'in' it's ok, but we have lost the adventure and spontaneousness. He still initiates often, but I just feel that it's pointless (I feel due to the hairloss that I am unattractive and that it's an effort when he is up and down like a yo yo).

This is really destroying our relationship. We love each other, but I feel unwanted and even though he refuses to talk about anything, I'm sure he feels emasculated and not good enough. And I feel not good enough as well due to my hairloss and my unattractive big stomach after having DC, and that he would 'work fine' if he was with a woman who had her hair and not a hideous stomach. I feel so jealous of woman who don't have my issues something awful.

He refuses to discuss or talk about anything and it is tearing us apart. The closeness we enjoyed for many years has gone and I am an insecure wreck due to this, he keeps threatening to leave as well.

I am posting in a last ditch attempt for advice, I love him, I think we love each other very much, but our sex life has changed completely and is causing arguments. Losing my hair due to illness has been really hard for me in all aspects of life, and I cannot separate this from his lack of desire for me, I see it as because of my hairloss and post Babies body.

He has totally shut down and won't talk about it at all.

We are both suffering and no idea how to fix it ): ):

Sorry you have been ill but I get the impression your making this all about you.

It is quite possible your hair loss and weight gain actually has nothing to do with your husbands difficulties. Have you suggested he see a doctor?

You can buy viagra over the counter in the UK. Maybe try that and if it doesn't work go and see the doc

You could be right in that I am making it all about me, but I have had to endure going out and about and going to work with half my hair or wigs, and the impact that has had on my self esteem has been huge ): ): some people comment and stare and I can't help but feel if he was with someone with all their hair, he would be fine in that department ): ):

I have gently suggested he go to the GP, but he refuses, stating he is 'healthy as an ox' and that his family live til their 80s etc. Absolutely refuses to go near a doctor, I suspect because he knows they would tell him to stop smoking cigarettes and drinking about 5-6 bottles of wine a week and eating crap.

He might be up to buying viagra over the counter though, would be good for us, but if it makes him take too long to finish I would get really sore and that would cause it's own problems for my health.

I would bet my house that if he stopped drinking 5 or 6 bottles of wine a week, that his brewer's droop would miraculously cure itself.

Has he had his blood pressure checked ?

Non judgemental about drinking here. We both like a drink but he gets brewers droop and I like a wine to relax before sex as I have low self (body) esteem.
Our solution works for us.
One of us suggests "date night tomorrow".
That means early evening we both shower and dress "nicely" iyswim.
I have a glass or two of wine but he doesn't.
Hey presto!

If he's recently experienced a bereavement in the family, he is probably dealing with that as well as everything else.

I really think you have to encourage him to talk about his problems. If not with you then a professional.

Buy some viagra, and maybe try some more adventurous wigs. Not in a way do you try not to be yourself, but you sort of spice things up a bit. Blond wig, brunette, long, short. Keep your husband guessing who you'll be that night.
Ref your belly, get in line gorgeous lady.......pretty much all of us have chunks and lumps we need to tuck in or stuff in.
Surveys have been done which suggest lots of men prefer a woman with lumps, bumps, warts and all if you know what I mean. Besides, you don't have to get entirely naked. Lots of sexy inexpensive tops, etc you could wear under the covers.
You could always blindfold your dh for fun, then maybe you Could relax. X

I agree with PP, encourage him to get his blood pressure checked out.
My DH left his until his was very high and he was advised that it could have been that which left him with erectile difficulties long term .
Untreated high blood pressure can damage blood vessels across the body .

OP, what's this all about, he keeps threatening to leave as well ?

That's got to be making you feel terribly insecure, on top of everything else.

I really feel for you 💐

He keeps threatening to leave because we are arguing a lot about it. He is denying that there is any problem or that anything is any different than previous years, even though to me it's obvious there has been a huge change in our sex life. He says I am taking my insecurities about my looks out on him, I think it's more that I am angry he won't talk about it and yes I am blaming myself because I have changed physically. I think there is truth on both sides. To be fair we both keep threatening to leave, it's a big mess atm

I don't think he is going to talk about it openly, he squirms at difficult communication. So I am resentful that he won't talk about it, and it's putting me off sex even more.

So sad because most other aspects of our long relationship are good..