Clashing on marriage ideas / possible commitment phobia

[Maddy762]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner 8 years. We have been living together 2.5 years, of which 1 years has been in our first owned home with a mortgage.

I’m about to turn 30, he’s about to turn 33. I want to get married, he isn’t keen. It’s coming to a point where I am prepared to walk away unless we can come to an agreement. He says he would happily never get married, or if he was to get married, his preference would be to elope on our own. I on the other hand, would like a wedding day with family and friends present.

I guess for me both the marriage and the wedding day are important to me. The reason he doesn’t want a wedding day with people there is due to his anxiety and not wanting to feel like everyone is looking at him. I don’t know how to meet in the middle. What seems the best compromise? I have suggested a really small wedding but he isn’t comfortable with this.

I don’t see a compromise here if your idea is still to much for him. I’m sorry.

To me it sounds like he's not afraid of commitment, just doesn't want a big party and the faff of a wedding. Eloping would be the compromise in my eyes, since his preference would be to not get married at all.

This is a blunt question, but what's more important to you - a wedding day or the man you've been with for 8 years and own a home with?

Elope and have a small party with friends and family a week afterwards? Framing it as a party is less intense.

My dh hates centre of attention in 'formal' situations. So I had engagement party without him. Lol. Small register wedding and party framed more like a gig (over 2 floors at a gig venue so he could hide and watch bands and I circulated with friends and family on other floor).

There's compromise that can work. Unless it's just he doesn't want to get married and his reasons are excuses?

What about a private ceremony just you two and then a party afterwards where you invite family and friends- no one watching when you give your vows, perhaps no speeches, he can think of it as a party he’s attending.

DH very much wanted to be married but absolutely didn't want a wedding due to his severe anxiety.

We had 40 people for a casual church do with a buffet, no speeches etc. Afterwards he said "I wish we had invited more people now"

Anyhow it's probably his anxiety in overdrive but a huge part of life together is compromise.

I hope you resolve it

Las Vegas, and then a party when you come home for family and friends where you surprise them with the announcement.

Thanks everyone. I suggested a small thing with strictly just immediate family (parents and siblings) but then HE was saying he would have to invite his cousins and aunts and uncles etc. So it seems he is almost conflicted. I think speeches and vows might be a big issue so I will suggest a party. We aren’t engaged yet and I am wanting to become engaged and that’s why I was wondering after all this time could it be commitment phobia.
The marriage is important to me but I guess I had just always dreamed of planning a big day and it hurts to say goodbye to that and I get upset at the idea of not having my grandparents in their 80s there.

We had no formal seating plan just milled around the tables chatting etc very relaxed but still the "white wedding" but.

Doesn't mean you have to include loads of his extended family...